Where Does the Time Go?

Do you ever feel like you are in one of those money machines? You know the ones you stand in and money is flying around you while you try to grab as many of those dollar bills as you can? Except not money...time. Seconds, minutes, days and sometimes whole years? That's me. Standing in that closed up little box, trying like hell to grab some time but I can't see a damn thing because the fan is blowing my hair all around my face and I can't do anything but push it out of the way fruitlessly. Damn it.


The weeks seem to go by quickly. Here it is Saturday again and Little Man is gone with his daddy. It seems like I just got him back. It's like I blink and wham, another week has gone by. I remember when I was little and couldn't wait for Christmas or Summer vacation. When it seemed like FOREVER in between these two markings of time passing and I would hear my parents say "oh my god, it's Christmas again..this year went by so fast." I would be like wtf? Fast? Umm no, it took and eternity to come around. Now I get it. I no longer mark the passing of time with Christmas or Summer vacation. I mark it with the changing of the seasons, which I love, and my children's birthdays, with which I have a love/hate relationship. I try like hell to squeeze as many memories as I can between these markers.


Today is Princess Priss's 3rd birthday. A blink and she 3. When I blink again, will she be 13? 30? Will I have grandchildren? The answer to all of those is, yes. Yes, yes and yes. But today, she is 3 and I will revel in all of her little 3 yr old ways. I will savor the beauty of her innocence. I will love her uncondtionally. I will be her friend. Most of all, I will let her grow up. Let her become the girl she needs to be and eventually the woman she wants to be. I will revel in her battles. Her losses and her victories. Her loves and her heartbreaks. I will allow her imagination to flourish and for her to realize that not all things you dream come to pass. She is the dream I never thought I wanted..now I can't imagine a life without her in it. Thankfully we don't always get what we ask for.

The Beauty of a Little Sleep

Ahhh...the sweet relief of a full night's sleep. Little Man slept through the night. Yes folks, all the way through the night. This kid is almost 7 months old and has yet to sleep all the way through a night for me. He has done so with his dad a few times but never for me. I guess he knows I'm a sucka and will never fail to get him up and give him a bottle. But alas, last night I changed up our schedule a little bit and TADA! a sleep filled night with wonderful, uninterupted dreams. I have been dead set for him to go to bed at 7pm so I can have an hour of one on one time with Princess Priss before she hits the sack (or at least I try to get her to go to sleep) at 8pm so mommy can have, well, me time. Yesterday, when the kids up from daycare, Little Man hadn't had a good nap since 2 so he was very tired and grumpy when we got home. I gave him some milky milk and put him down for a short power nap. 30 minutes later he up and ready to go. I stuck with the usual 5pm dinner and bottle but when we were getting ready to sit down to eat he was back at his high chair grunting and trying to get in it, so I sat him in it and fed him 2 whole jars of fruit. 2 jars, that's right. My boy is a PIG. They were both in bed by 8pm and he was asleep by 8:30 while unbeknownst to me, Princess Priss was chewing on some black market, hijacked out of mommy's purse gum that ended up in her beautiful ass-length hair....fabulous. Anyways, slight schedule change+ more food before bed=full nights sleep. Must do this everyday now. Fuck that 7pm bedtime. I need sleep people.

Onto other news. Princess Priss turns 3 tomorrow. Wow. Where does the time go? It seems like yesterday we were walking, walking, walking to get her out of my body. I was a stuffed sausage ready to explode and felt like aliens were growing inside of me, squishing my organs and going to pop out of my abdomen at any given moment. The moment I saw her face and got to hold her still slippery body in my arms was the one most defining moment in my life. That moment changed my life forever. Love took on a whole new meaning for me and I took off on a journey to a land I knew absolutely nothing about and haven't looked back since. (except maybe to sigh at that wonderful flat tummy and perky boobs I would never truly have again.) Princess Priss has been an amazing companion these last 3 years. With me every step of the way. We have grown up together, she has helped me grow up. (I'm going to attempt writing a post tomorrow to celebrate her entrance into this world and the 3 years she's been here. We'll see how it goes...)

My camara is busted so no new pictures and I'm sad about that because they are both changing so much and I'd like to share some photos with you guys. Hopefully it will be fixed by her party Sunday.....

WTF is THIS? As The World Turns or Something?

Me, the woman who tries like hell to stay away from drama has become completely engulfed in it. This situation has become a he said she said soap chalk full of the requisite tears and screaming accusations. A smorgabord of bullshit. Stress stress and yes, more stress. I am trying like hell to remaim composed and sane throughout this ordeal and focus on my babies and moving on with my life but it's HARD when almost everyday the soon to be ex-huz is baiting me (it feels like baiting to me). We have always, and I mean always fought about money. Mostly the fact that I have never made enough and in his exact words, am a sorry ass cunt. Ahem..yes I did use the C word. His words. Exactly. So, now that we are seperated and he is paying all of his bills and am paying mine, he is constantly bitching about how little money he has and how he can't afford this and can't afford that. It's true that he has recently started a new job that will put him on a more positive (and much happier for him) career track. I'm truly happy that he has decided to do something about his previously unhappy work enviroment. I applaud his effort at making his life better. Only thing is, for a man so wrapped up in money, making less of it is not such a good thing. Hence him demanding more from me. Now you see, if he were to come asking me to pay the phone bill and the auto ins. (which I am of course entitled to pay) I would gladly hand over the couple hundred dollars (wincing at my checkbook and the lack of money in there). Instead he demands in a very patronizing and nasty voice that I pay immediately. Um yeah, my ass shoots money out of it regularly. Give me a few days and I could have thousands for you. Haha! Right...if it were only so easy. I am constantly being reminded of how much he has done for me in the past few years. He is even using the fact that he provided health ins. for us from his employment paying for it weekly. Wait, isn't that what you should do if your employer offers reasonable ins. and you're married and you have kids? Should that be considered a favor I need to pay back? I'm extremely confused. The longer this drags on the nastier it seems to get. Now he is questioning my ability to raise our children, insinuating I am unfit. WTF? I hardly drink, I don't do drugs, I feed them well, cloth them, love and nurture them. They are in no way wanting or needing of things I can give them. They get it all. Everything I have. I am not the one who threw a huge temper tantrum throwing my family out to the curb thus ending our family. Nope, that wasn't me. I can only hope that the law prevails and we will be taken care of and my babies and I can remain together.
This is crushing me.

An Ode to Mr Tight Pants Man

Oh Mr Lycra Wearing Tight Pants Man

Please take them off.

Your crotch bulge is like a signal to outerspace

and you're scaring me

just a little.

Oh little women in the BIG BIG shoes

I wear tight pants like this

to scare little girls like you.

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This is actually about a man that is sometimes standing in the parking lot of my office complex for no apparent reason. I DO believe he does it just to give me the willies.

The Big Debate
Stay at Home Vs Career

There seems to be an ongoing debate about the issue of stay at home mom's vs career mom's. There are a lot of high strung emotions surrounding this issue and plenty of opinions being thrown out from both sides. They all seem to me to be wildly one-sided and too harshly judgemental of the other. Many seem to me to be ignorant and not very well thought out. Certainly not very many of these "opinion throwers" are trying to view things from all perspectives. I've read a lot of articles and interviews from both sides of the debate given by very articulate, educated women. Yet I still am dumbfounded by the apparent ignorance these women give themselves over to when discussing this. I'm usually left with a feeling of anger and I'd like to shake them all by their necks until they see the light. I thought I would use this blog as a sounding board for my own opinions and feelings on this issue. I hope I don't fall under the same category of women I speak of above.

I stayed at home with my daughter for a year and a half when it was decided my family needed more income to survive. The cost of living rising and the cost of taking care of a baby was a lot more than we envisioned it being. We needed two incomes just to pay the bills. It was a hard choice to make and dropping my daughter off at daycare that first day was heartbreaking. It's been a year and a half and it's still heartbreaking. This isn't something I wanted to do and certainly when I thought about having children I thought I would stay home with them. Unfortunately life doesn't always work out the way you think it will and hard choices must be made in order to give your family other things they need. Like food and clothes and a roof over their heads. I feel extremely lucky to have had the time I did to spend with her and to bond with her. I know a lot of women don't have that luxury.

There are quite a few different catagories of mother's. Single mom's that have to work ( I fall in that catagory these days). Career mom's that choose to work because it makes them feel strong and they enjoy their careers. Careers they spent many years at college preparing for. They want to show their children (daughters) how to be strong in the workplace and that they too can have high powered corporate jobs. This is their choice. I see nothing wrong with this as long as the kids always come first. I too want my daughter to know she can excel at any job a man can do. Then there are the mom's that have the money, the ability and desire to stay home.

I know that there are mother's without lots of money that decide to stay home. Families that choose to budget themselves and sacrifice for what they feel is the better of the two choices. More power to ya, I say. And more power to every women who makes a choice for her family and herself regardless of what the opinions of others may be.

Honestly I don't think it's anyone else's fucking business what each individual parent/mother chooses to do with her time, whether it be staying at home or working. Each to their own. I feel that as long as you are making good decisions for your fam it's all gravy folks. It's all gravy. We all have different feelings about what a "mom" should be and I will say that a lot of people out there have ridiculous expectations of themselves and others. (Yay for my runon sentences!) Give it a rest already! Why is it important to you, who lives across the country what I do with myself and my children? They are happy, healthy, well-rounded little people who I know miss me during the day but certainly get all they can of me when we get home. I wish I could spend more time with them but other responsibilities prevail sometimes and I have to put food on the table, ya know?

Anywho...this topic was brought even more to the forefront of my mind recently when a friend of my sister's (both stay at home mom's) saw mw out to lunch with her sans kids...we talked for a few minutes before she piped in saying "we're missing some kids. Where are your babies Summer?" "At daycare, I'm working today." "Oh...at daycare." And she rolled her eyes and preceded to ignore me. Um hello, witchy woman. Who exactly do you think you are? I got PISSED. Saw her a couple weeks later at my sisters and my sis was like "Oh S, you remember, name inserted here." Me: "Oh yeah, you're the one that shunned me bacause I have to work and my kids are in daycare. Yeah. I rememeber you." She got red...red and more red. I am not a doormat. I am a working mom beyotch, and just because you think you are better than me does not mean you can try to humiliate me, shun me, or talk down to me.

Take that.

This Crazy Life

Today is the day. But wait I felt that way yesterday! Wait a minute now...what's going on? Is this confusion permanent? What am I doing here again? Where is my purse? My keys? My shoes, for Gods sake? Where the fuck is my life!?
You know that phrase? Go get a life? Could so totally almost apply here except I have a life. I just put it down somewhere and forgot where, that's all. Really.
Oh yeah, it's right here on the couch where I left it. Unlived. Paused.
I've been on hold since seperating from my hubby. Trying desperately to make sense of this way of being. Waiting for something amazing to happen so I'll feel like my old self. Will that ever happen? I know. I know. I have two children now and the "old self" will never return. I don't mean that one. The crazy, partying, delinquent self. I just mean the free-spirited self. The one that loves to love. That laughs loud and clear. The one that has fun and is fun to be around. Not the stressed out, can't eat, can't sleep version that writes this today. Yeah, that one. I kind of remember her.
Things certainly progress. Time takes it's toll on our beings and we sometimes become that person. The one we never wanted to be. At least I never did. I would see people miserable with their lives and say "I could never be them. I'll never allow myself to be them." Ah ha. Never say never little girl because you never know what life may throw at you or what choices you will make down the road that will greatly impact who will be. Gah...Dead eyes and ghostly half smiles comprise me these days. How fucking fabulous.
I'm trying like hell to keep up with everything going on. My need to be a good mother over rides all other needs. I will force myself through this difficult time for, if no other reason, my beautiful babies. They need me to be witty and charming. They need a mother that can teach them to chin up during life's bumps. Man, I hope I can set a shining example for my little one's. It's hard trying to balance all of this. My little girl, Princess Priss, is taking all of these changes pretty hard. It wasn't enough to give her a new baby brother at 2 1/2. We had to take it one step further and take away the only father she's ever really known, move her in with Noni and Popi into one room with mommy and brother and completely turn her world upside down yet again. What a difficult time this must be for her! She's been acting out a lot and I have been trying to maintain my patience with her. Finding new ways to deal with her emotional outbursts. I just keep having to remind myself why she's acting out like this. It is partly my fault. I only wish I knew how to make her hurt go away. Hopefully soon we'll all be back on track.

The divorce is progressing. we both have attorney's now and even though he wanted to fight me, it looks like he is willing to agree to most of my terms and we should be settling soon. Thank God. This has been so rough. I've been so stressed out that normal everyday function is nearly impossible. I think once this is over and the kids and I have our own home again, I can decompress and she will feel that and maybe feel better herself. We shall see.

Why Divorce Sucks Ass

Arg!!! This is out of control! Who knew (I certainly didn't) that a 5 minute ceremony could result in this kind of cautasrophy? That at the end of only 2 years we would be in this position. Trying like hell to be civil but mostly just failing miserably. That I would, after all my talk about the importance of the covenant of marriage, be filing for divorce. That splitting things up would be so heartrending and treacherous. That the man I chose to be with forever would hate me so much. That we wouldn't be able to give the others the neseccities. The things that make each individual and each relationship so different. How I couldn't see it (or maybe, most likely chose not to see it) is beyond me. I feel like I have failed and in doing so have let so many people down. Most of all my babies.

Today I'm feeling so downtrodden and funky. Like I may cry at any given moment. Hysterics are just a breath away here. It's actually tangible and I can feel it behind my eyes waiting to burst out and scare my co-workers. What a fucking mess.

I retained a lawyer to get some information and to start drawing up the paperwork so we can get this show on the road. I'd like to say this will be over soon and I can move on with my life but I think the ex-whatever is going to fight me on every point. So far he feels that I deserve to get nada out of this. The law states something entirely different but that doesn't mean he will say ok...let's work this out fairly. It only means that after a long and quite possibly nasty court battle I will end up getting what I asked for, possibly more as I am trying to do this without fighting, and he will have spent more time, money and energy than was needed.

I am not a money hungry, gold digger, hoe bag whatever. I only want to be able to provide my kids with a home of our own (we are currently sharing a room. ALL. 3. OF. US.) and some stability. That last thing has been sorely lacking. I don't think I'm asking too much. I do not think I am asking too much. Do you think I am asking too much? Sorry...a song just stuck into my head...I only want what's best for my family. Too bad he can't see it that way.

I just want to melt into the floor at this point. It's too overwhelming to even think about sometimes.

Why? Why? Why?

The Talks that make Thursdays Thirsty

And it goes a liitle something like this:

C: "Mom, what color is the sky?"

Me: "Blue"

C: "No it's not mommy, it's green!"

Me: "Ok, C, it can be green if you want it to be."

C: "No, mommy, it's blue"

Me: "Ok, C, it's blue you're right"

C: "Oh mom, look! It's a bird!"

Me: "Oh how cool! I see the bird, C"

C: "Mom, that's not a bird. It's a duck!"

Me: "Are you sure, C? It looks like a bird to me."

C: "Nope, it's a duck."

Me: "Ok, it's a duck."

C: "No it's not mom, it's a BIRD."

Me: "What ever C, I think you just like to argue with me."

C: "Yes I do."

She has been doing this since 6a.m. so for the sake of my sanity:

Me: "C, could you please not talk for a few minutes?."

C: "Ok"

30 seconds (maybe) passes and she says:

C: "Mommy, I'm being sos so very quiet. Do you see me being so so very quiet?"

Me: "No C, I see the road because I'm driving but I hear you not being so so very quiet."

C: "Now I'm being so so very quiet. I'm not talking at all anymore."

Me: "Oh, if you're not talking, why do I still hear you?"

C: "Mom, I'm being so QUIET! Don't you see me being so so very quiet?"

AHHHHHHHHH!

Shut the hell up already!!!

The Truth About Jack

He has been gone since Saturday evening. Gone with his dad. He was 6 months old on the 5th and I missed his 6 month birthday. He has a cold, is teething more, is crawling faster and growing up a whole weeks worth of big boydom that I am missing out on. What a shitty siuation this has turned out to be. I guess I should be thankful that my soon to be ex-husband is so interested and willing to be such a huge part of his life. I AM happy about that. Just completely sad that the only compromise was one week with me and one with him and so on. I'm distraught over this and can't seem to come to terms with it. I almost hate the soon to be ex for doing this and even the thought of his face at times makes me want to start screaming and never stop. His smug ass face, knowing that he's making me miserable. Thinking about it now makes me want to alternately cry and scream, FUCKER! FUCKER! FUCKER!, over and over again.

I at least get to see Jack when I drop Princess Priss off at daycare but this morning was the first time he's been awake when I've come to see him all week.

I'm so scared he's going to forget who I am. That he won't love me anymore if he's not around me as much. That he'll love daddy more, and I want him to love daddy. I just want him to love me too. I'm sure these fears are groundless. I'm sure he'll always love me. I just miss him so much and my heart is breaking.

I knew that this seperation/divorce would not be easy. They rarely are, right? I knew that ex-(put your own expletives here)husband would try to make me sad and miserable and angry on a regular basis. That one of his great joys in life is watching me squirm and this, THIS, makes me squirm. I'm sure he's loving every millisecond of this.

Maybe I'm being too harsh with him. Too judgemental because of the hard feelings and overwhelming sense of loss, because he caused this rift and put me a position to not want to fix it. Because he has done this so often and has made me hurt so much over the past 3 years. Because I now feel jaded and bruised. I am an infinitely a different person than I was when we started this relationship and most changes are not for the better.

I miss my son. I want him back now. I want to hold him so tightly, so close. I want to smell him and rub his soft head. I want him to fall asleep in my arms. I want him to know how much I love him, how much his life means to me.

My arms ache for him. They actually ache to hold him.

A Post on Things Concerning Vaginas
**Warning to all men: Explicit girl talk follows. If you're bothered by such discussion, DO NOT read on.

My vagina hates me.
It absolutely fucking hates me.
"Why do you say that?", you may ask.
Well...let's see. I have been told that after having kids your periods get better. Not me. It didn't with my first, it actually went back to normal fairly quickly. Still having bad cramps and pshycotic PMS every month. I thought, "hey, after the second one it should be cool!" Yeah right. It's been worse. Much, much worse.
The first one I expected to be bad. It was awful. I was also on my way to Bonaroo, a music festival in Manchester, Tennessee on a farm. Camping. Port-a-lets. Heat. Gross. Bad cramps but quickly dealt with by excessive drinking and partying. Yay! Besides the dirty circumstances, it turned out alright. Like I said drugs and alchohol.
The next month....ooh shit. Cramps so bad I couldn't function. I went to see my lady doctor and she prescribed me some painkillers. Ok, cool, but not a solution. She said the first 2-3 after baby are bad but they should be better by August. This is September and they are not better. In fact I think they may be getting worse. Not good. Not good....
To top it all off, I have a yeast infection as well. Fucking fabulous.
As I said earlier. My vagina hates me.
What have I done oh wonderful vagina? Bringer of my babes into the world? Pleasure hub of my body? Tell me and I will no longer do these things that make you so angry! Tell me! Tell me dammit! Oh the silent treatment, eh? Fuck you. I hate you too.
Also, I now have no insurance so I can't go see the good doctor. I can't afford it.
Suffer I will.
Any advice?

More pictures.

Where have the titles to my posts gone? There is no longer a place to title it. I am UNHAPPY with all that has happened with this blogger beta bullshit. Anyhow.

Life is moving on here at my parents house although with each day that passes I am wishing more and more for my own place for my little family. It's been tough on us all but I think especially tough on my daughter. The whole seperation from my husband and sharing a room with myself and her little brother is taking it's toll. Thank goodness she went to spend a long weekend with her dad. Besides the fact that she needs him around so much more now, it also gives her a chance to have something more like her own space. Even if it is for a short time. Hopefully we'll be moving out soon and we can all have our own room again. Mommy needs some space! It'll all work out though (I'm crossing my fingers here).

More later. I'm feeling emotionally drained.

I love these kids!

Fresh Starts

Ok, this completely sucks. I switched to Blogger Beta and changed my password and now I can't log into my old blog to post. Shitty. So now, since I can't figure out how to fix it, I have created a new blog. You can still access the old on at Woman on the Verge. But this, this is my new blog. Same blog. New blog. Same blog. New blog.

Whatever.

Tired and half drunk now....will post meaningful things at a later date. And new pictures of the wonder rats.

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It's not really 5:30 a.m. It's 10 p.m. so it's OK for me to be half drunk.
**Flashback to days when it was ok to be drunk at 5:30 a.m.**