Thursday, September 07, 2006

The Truth About Jack
He has been gone since Saturday evening. Gone with his dad. He was 6 months old on the 5th and I missed his 6 month birthday. He has a cold, is teething more, is crawling faster and growing up a whole weeks worth of big boydom that I am missing out on. What a shitty siuation this has turned out to be. I guess I should be thankful that my soon to be ex-husband is so interested and willing to be such a huge part of his life. I AM happy about that. Just completely sad that the only compromise was one week with me and one with him and so on. I'm distraught over this and can't seem to come to terms with it. I almost hate the soon to be ex for doing this and even the thought of his face at times makes me want to start screaming and never stop. His smug ass face, knowing that he's making me miserable. Thinking about it now makes me want to alternately cry and scream, FUCKER! FUCKER! FUCKER!, over and over again.
I at least get to see Jack when I drop Princess Priss off at daycare but this morning was the first time he's been awake when I've come to see him all week.
I'm so scared he's going to forget who I am. That he won't love me anymore if he's not around me as much. That he'll love daddy more, and I want him to love daddy. I just want him to love me too. I'm sure these fears are groundless. I'm sure he'll always love me. I just miss him so much and my heart is breaking.
I knew that this seperation/divorce would not be easy. They rarely are, right? I knew that ex-(put your own expletives here)husband would try to make me sad and miserable and angry on a regular basis. That one of his great joys in life is watching me squirm and this, THIS, makes me squirm. I'm sure he's loving every millisecond of this.
Maybe I'm being too harsh with him. Too judgemental because of the hard feelings and overwhelming sense of loss, because he caused this rift and put me a position to not want to fix it. Because he has done this so often and has made me hurt so much over the past 3 years. Because I now feel jaded and bruised. I am an infinitely a different person than I was when we started this relationship and most changes are not for the better.
I miss my son. I want him back now. I want to hold him so tightly, so close. I want to smell him and rub his soft head. I want him to fall asleep in my arms. I want him to know how much I love him, how much his life means to me.
My arms ache for him. They actually ache to hold him.

1 comment:

melissa_in_jax said...

Damn it woman, you made me cry!!!
Situations like this are reason one billion and one that I know I can't have kids.
As for feeling jaded and bruised... I know all to well what you mean.
((comforting hugs))
See you soon.