Sunday, September 17, 2006

This Crazy Life

Today is the day. But wait I felt that way yesterday! Wait a minute now...what's going on? Is this confusion permanent? What am I doing here again? Where is my purse? My keys? My shoes, for Gods sake? Where the fuck is my life!?
You know that phrase? Go get a life? Could so totally almost apply here except I have a life. I just put it down somewhere and forgot where, that's all. Really.
Oh yeah, it's right here on the couch where I left it. Unlived. Paused.
I've been on hold since seperating from my hubby. Trying desperately to make sense of this way of being. Waiting for something amazing to happen so I'll feel like my old self. Will that ever happen? I know. I know. I have two children now and the "old self" will never return. I don't mean that one. The crazy, partying, delinquent self. I just mean the free-spirited self. The one that loves to love. That laughs loud and clear. The one that has fun and is fun to be around. Not the stressed out, can't eat, can't sleep version that writes this today. Yeah, that one. I kind of remember her.
Things certainly progress. Time takes it's toll on our beings and we sometimes become that person. The one we never wanted to be. At least I never did. I would see people miserable with their lives and say "I could never be them. I'll never allow myself to be them." Ah ha. Never say never little girl because you never know what life may throw at you or what choices you will make down the road that will greatly impact who will be. Gah...Dead eyes and ghostly half smiles comprise me these days. How fucking fabulous.
I'm trying like hell to keep up with everything going on. My need to be a good mother over rides all other needs. I will force myself through this difficult time for, if no other reason, my beautiful babies. They need me to be witty and charming. They need a mother that can teach them to chin up during life's bumps. Man, I hope I can set a shining example for my little one's. It's hard trying to balance all of this. My little girl, Princess Priss, is taking all of these changes pretty hard. It wasn't enough to give her a new baby brother at 2 1/2. We had to take it one step further and take away the only father she's ever really known, move her in with Noni and Popi into one room with mommy and brother and completely turn her world upside down yet again. What a difficult time this must be for her! She's been acting out a lot and I have been trying to maintain my patience with her. Finding new ways to deal with her emotional outbursts. I just keep having to remind myself why she's acting out like this. It is partly my fault. I only wish I knew how to make her hurt go away. Hopefully soon we'll all be back on track.

The divorce is progressing. we both have attorney's now and even though he wanted to fight me, it looks like he is willing to agree to most of my terms and we should be settling soon. Thank God. This has been so rough. I've been so stressed out that normal everyday function is nearly impossible. I think once this is over and the kids and I have our own home again, I can decompress and she will feel that and maybe feel better herself. We shall see.

1 comment:


Wow. WOW. I'm sending you hugs dot com and will be thinking of you and your family.