Wednesday, June 01, 2011

You Say You Want the Truth but can You Handle it?

We, in Echt-land, have found ourselves in the crosshairs of step-parenting hell. A subject that no one really seems to tell the truth about but maybe more people should....because easy? It's not. Gut wrenching, heartbreaking, stressful? Yes. Yes and a gazillion more yesses. Oh my God, yes!

The blending of two families is very similar (in my mind) to putting together a 40,000 piece puzzle that has to fit in 1 square foot. A very tiny, very intricate, very very delicate puzzle except with a puzzle you can walk away when you get frustrated and come back when you're ready for some more. With a family, there is no walking away...walking away signifies giving up and I'm not giving up. I do feel as though I am knees and elbows deep most of the time, ass deep often and barely able to keep my head up and out of the politics of the my kid, your kid, this kid, that kid, you, you, you blame game. Fingers accusingly pointing everywhere but inward to our own hearts. You might not like what you see if you start digging around in there....I will tell you that from any viewpoint, it isn't a pretty sight.

I could say that I have a leg up on a lot of people when it comes to blended families since I was raised in one and practice I do have. From the childs perspective not from the parents. I know as a child, it is fucking's hard to trust, it's hard to believe, it's hard to relax within it and I know it takes years sometimes before you are comfortable with the fact that this other person posing as a parent is here to stay. That they aren't leaving you and it's ok to fall head over heels in love with them. I stand in a different position now. I am the parent and the OTHER person posing as a parent. I am the one that took daddy away in a sense. I am the imposter, the intruder, the evil-doer. The reason, in her mind, that her mom and dad aren't together.

I am also the glue holding everything together. The shaky, unsure hands supporting a very unstable foundation hoping and praying that it doesn't all come crashing down around me. Do I need help? Hell yes I need help but the really ugly truth here is that my husband is of the "what's yours is yours, what's mine is yours but what's yours is definitely NOT mine" mentality. Really cool, huh? Yeah, I think so too. It's really hard to be nice when you can barely look at your love anymore because resentment is so fucking thick you need an electric carving knife to get through it.

So, where do we go and what do we do? No one is going to win this way, least of all our babies. Are we giving up? Hell no but we can't continue wading through this cesspool of anger, disgust and resentment much longer.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Not For the Faint of Heart

When I was pregnant with Chloe, 8 years ago, my mom told me parenting isn't for the faint of heart. At the time I had no clue what she was talking about. In fact, I probably thought something along of lines of, pregnancy isn't for the faint of heart...well mom, you can now do your happy "I told you so" dance because, I GET IT. Ok? I freakin get it.
The newborn days? Exhausting, seemingly endless hours filled with poop and puke and more poop and more puke and no sleep and days without a shower was doable.
The first months of, oh shits and fuck mes', of mobility because hey you thought you had the house baby proofed but, um, you SO had no clue what you were doing? Totally doable.
The terrible two's? Check.
Tyrannical threes? Check
This age? This I'm almost 8 going on 16 age? Holy shit. I'm at a loss here....she has turned into a highly emotional, trigger happy, overly dramatic medium sized demon child that screams at me "you never listen to me!" I really try honey but honestly I don't really understand what you're saying. It sounds like some strange mythical language made up by J.R.R. Tolkien on a serious meth bender. Also my little love? Also? I kind of don't want to listen to you when you're being nasty and insulting me. So yes, you can sit on your bed and write in your diary about how absolutely terrible I am as long as you leave me alone for 10 minutes to reevaluate my life after your latest emotional dagger throwing escapade.
While we're at it, can I ask a question and get an answer without eye rolling and snarls? What exactly happens in the bathroom? Why does it take 30 minutes to brush your teeth? And how does toothpaste end up everywhere? It's confusing and infuriating and it happens EVERYDAY. Everyday.
Listen. I adore my daughter. I really really truly do. I also really really truly wish she would take it easy on me sometimes. It gets exhausting sometimes holding my breath waiting for the next landslide.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

A Little Unmotivated

I have been having trouble motivating myself to blog lately. My brain has been completely wrapped up with lists of things to do daily with this pregnancy.....I didn't realize going with a midwife left a lot of the footwork to me. Getting past medical records, setting up bloodwork, sonograms she has me eating 2500 calories a day which I have to keep track of for her, writing everything I eat down with calorie and protein amounts. I have to order this special herbal tea and drink a quart a day plus a slew of other vitamins. It's mentally exhausting trying to get everything done. It's impossible to eat as much as she is demanding me to and it's absolutely impossible for me to keep track of it all especially when my life right now revolves around a very unruly, very large dog and a brand new puupy all while trying not to throw up on everything. To say the least, I'm overwhelmed and accomplishing nothing. I'm frustrated and lets face it...I'm simply not equipped to deal with too many things at once. I can't prioritize. I can't organize. So, I get upset and get nothing done. WHEW!! I have however managed to watch a few days of Americas Next Top Model marathons. Not very productive and seeing those anorexic bitches parade around in skinny jeans makes me feel like a fat ass which is just freakin awesome!

On the flip side I'm thinking my belly is cute.

This is a picture I drew for Lil Miss last week. I think it's kind of pretty....

I'm going to go attempt being productive for a while. Here's to hoping I can get something accomplished!!

Monday, January 31, 2011

A List of Things To Make Me Smile

because I deserve to smile today dammit. And because my hormones need to be reminded that the emotions that cause smiling and laughter are ok too...

1) My beds super soft roundness and fluff that swallows me every time I lay down.

2) The sweet sound of Jacks laugh when I give him dozens of air kisses.

3) Chloe singing made up songs all day every day.

4) Coffee in the morning

5) The smell of Phillips skin

6) Being able to smell Phillips skin in the sheets of my fluffy bed hours after he has gotten up.

7) Coffee in the afternoon.

8) Talking to my mom everyday.

9) M&M's

10) Chocolate in general.

11) Most especially chocolate in my coffee.

12) Snuggling with my favorite people.

13) Movies on rainy days.



Thursday, January 27, 2011


I have to admit to something slightly disturbing but insanely funny....ready?

Anytime I cough, sneeze or even laugh really hard I pee myself just a little so it seems I have started holding my crotch everytime this happens. I realized I do this yesterday when I stopped walking dead in my tracks to "hold" myself while I coughed. I guess that's what giving birth to two kids and being pregnant with your third does to you!

On a different note, I think I'm going to post weekly belly pictures.

Nothing major yet. Just a little roundness that makes me look bloated but I'm pretty sure it won't take long to really see some baby belly. I'm looking forward to having a super round, sexy baby belly!

Monday, January 24, 2011

The last couple weeks at a glance....

We've had quite a bit going on the past two weekends. This past weekend Phillips parents and his daughter came up for a visit. We had a surprise party for his grandmas 70th birthday. We also celebrated his birthday and his uncles birthday. We got to meet his brothers new girlfriend and her two kids....his parents get a kick out of how big their family is getting and how fast it's getting there!

We were able to share some exciting news with his side of the family!

That's right everyone! We are having a baby!!

Leilani playing with her daddy-o.
The weekend was a blast!

Chloe, Leilani and Chloes friend Kaylan playing dress-up in my summer dresses.

The weekend before, my parents were here for a visit. I feel so lucky that we are close enough our families can drive up for a weekend trip. Unfortunately I didn;t take any pictures when they were here...I know! I suck!!

In the midst of all this excitement, I am exhausted, cranky, completely exhausted and overwhelmed with thoughts of a new baby coming into our lives....We feel so blessed to be given this gift. As Phillip calls it, our "love child"! I love this man!!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Leilani Love

A year ago, I had my two children and my heart was full. I didn't think I wanted any more kids...I was good, In fact, I was perfect. Complete. Or so I thought. Then I met and fell in love with a man that had a child of his own. Actually I'm pretty sure I fell in love with them both at the same time. You see the first weekend Phillip and I spent together was his weekend with her. I was so wary at first to get involved with a man that had a child. I dated other men with kids and ended up liking the kids so much better than I ever liked their dads and when we inevitably stopped seeing each other, I missed the kids and felt horrible about getting to know them and then having to walk away. I didn't want that to happen again but the pull of Phillip, his magnetism, his effect on me made me throw all caution to the wind. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made...

She was sleeping when he got her to his house that Friday night but when I saw her sweet sleeping face I physically felt my heart expand. I just knew...this little girl was already a part of me. She was meant to be a part of my family just as much as Chloe and Jack were meant to be mine. I had heard about that connection happening with adoptive parents but I was skeptical and then this angel fell into my life. I was in love. I can't really tell you what we did that weekend besides snuggle on the couch with her and read her books. I think I read the same three books dozens of times apiece. She would crawl into my lap with her arms overflowing with books and ask for me to read them again and again. I was more than happy to oblige.

We worked it out so his weekends with her coincided with the weekends I had my two. We decided that having the three of them together felt so right. They got along so well, hell they even looked alike! It was strange and good...Chloe and Jack called her their sister the first weekend they spent together. She called Chloe sissy and Jack her brudder Dack. Our babies...our family.

                                                          I love this picture of her being silly

                                                                         The girls

                                                          Three little loves at Oma & Opas
                                                               (Phillips parents)
                                                            She is just so beautiful!
                                    This was taken before Phillip and I met but I love this picture of her.
                                  This was taken before we met as well I just love the picture though!
                                                         Such a sweet baby girl.

Even before Phillip and I got married, if someone asked us separately or when we were together how many kids we had, we always said three because really and truly she belongs to me and mine belong to him. I'm not trying to take her moms place nor is he trying to take their dads place, those spots are filled but we are extensions of each other and love these little beings with our whole hearts. We are so blessed to have so much love.