Gone for so long

It's not that I have had nothing to say, nothing going on...I just haven't felt like saying it, writing it, typing it. Whatever. I've been super busy and even more crazy than usual...haha! So, I'll try to play a little catch up before my mind wanders and I get bored.

The kids? Holy cow! They're frickin huge!! Miss Priss turned 6 on the 30th. SIX!! My baby girl is a sassy assed school aged princess that in her very own words "is so super smart. Wanna know why? Cuz my brain is big. Yep. Wanna know why my brain is big? Cuz I'm super smart." Yeah, her mommy made her that way and can I say how amazingly proud I am of her? She will tell you in a heartbeat that it's waaaay better and waaaay cooler to be smart than pretty. Yup yup. THAT makes my heart swell with pride. Plus she really is super smart.

Jack is beyond incredible. Has a vocabulary that rivals a lot of adults. He uses discombobulated in correct context. Who the hell is this kid? He can take all kinds of things apart and put them back together again. Correctly. I can't even do that. He's nearly 4! and I am blown away almost daily by his sweet spirit and the love he gives me. His big boy independence with his hand touching mine just to be sure it's going to be ok.

Man, I love these kids. I promise promise promise to post some pictures. I have been slacking in that department for a long while now and I'm sure some of you (wait...is anyone even checking my blog anymore?) are itching for a pic fix.

As for me? I'm here. I'm alive. Breathing. Going to school full-time and hanging on for dear life. It's crazy and beautiful, this life.

Life moves along...

at a pace that is so fast and at the same time so slow. I feel like I haven't had the time to breathe lately much less do anything else. Being a single mom is hard work. Two full-time jobs fill my days and nights with so many things to do...but I have to say that even though I'm relentlessly busy, I've never been happier. I absolutely love my job, the only thing that keeps me from truly looking forward to going each day is knowing I will be leaving my little angels. They are growing up so fast! Chloe is 5 1/2 and Jack just turned 3! I have no idea where those years went...they're just...gone. Flown past me.

My divorce will be final the end of May. Thankfully we have settled into a routine and a relationship that is conducive to co-parenting our kids. The anger is gone and we can finally see the person we were once such good friends with and the person we once fell in love with. A HUGE move for us especially considering we have FINALLY realized that no matter the love we may feel for each other, we can never be together as husband and wife. We don't mix well in that setting but we do make amazing friends and parents from different households. It's so sad at times to see him and know that the life I built around him is gone forever. I am so much happier but it has left an empty spot in my heart. We're both moving on, dating new people and striking out into the world as divorcees and single parents. A world so foreign to both of us and hard to swallow sometimes. I think (and know for me) that seeing one another spending time with a new person, filling in the spot we once occupied for one another, is fucking HARD. But for the best. He has become my best friend and I his. The "go-to" for each other and this role is what we were meant for. It just took years to realize that.

The future looks bright with promises of new experiences and happiness. Growing happy children and a life not being spent in unhappiness and misery.

Into the "World of Normal"

I found a job. An 8-5 or later Mon-Fri. I have submitted myself to the world of people that drive during rush hour and get a steady paycheck. No more bar tending, no more waiting tables...I am officially "IN".

I feel really strange about it considering I have always prided myself on walking to a different rhythm. I have had 9-5ers before but just for short periods of time and I never truly enjoyed it. I don't have much of a choice now since I am a single mother and my divorce will hopefully *crossing fingers* be final soon. I have to be the bread winner, the responsible mama. The mama responsible for it all. A daunting realization that has me literally shaking inside.

There are plenty of women, and men, that do this daily....weekly....monthly....yearly. I know it's possible. I also know it's going to be hard as hell.

Ah, I went back on my decree of no more heavy shit here. Oh well.

Change is in the Air

Back a few months ago during the changing of Summer into Fall, I was going through a lot of personal changes. It seemed so perfect for these changes in my life to be taking place at a time when the weather was changing, bringing cooler air and with it a rise in my spirit. Fall is my favorite time of year and it just felt so right to me.

I had no idea then that one huge change would be the harbinger of so many others. All of them very hard but all of them very good. In the midst of change, it can be very difficult to see the bright side. Even when you are the one that instigated it.

I recently decided the tone of this blog has gotten too heavy with my ranting and bitching about things happening these days so I have decided to start a new blog (I am keeping this one just starting the new one for the heavy stuff) to be kept private. A place for me to express my sadness, anger, depression etc.

I hope everyone is well and happy in the New Year. Much love and blessings to you all.

Baby Love

A picture of me just for shits and giggles. 20 some odd lbs lighter.

Jack and Saint Nick

Lovin' butt and Mr. Claus

Lovin' butt doing what she does best, being strange.

My school girl...she's growing up waaay to fast!

Random photos for everyone's enjoyment. Hurrah! I accomplished something on my blog besides bitching. Way to go me!!

Cold Turkey

So, I realize it's been quite a while since I've posted. I've just been in a very weird place personally and going through some changes. Some good. Some not so good...

Back in July I finally went to a Dr for a diagnosis and for some medication/therapy. The act of going alone was enough to bring me some relief and some hope for the future. I started meds first with therapy following a month later. Through these events I came to realize a number of things about my life and decided things needed to change. I left my husband and started working on myself from the inside out.

To make a long story short, I quit taking my medication a few days ago after realizing I was suffering from medication induced anorexia. I've lost more than 20lbs since I started taking them and am now wearing a size 1. Down from an 8 back in July.

Today I started noticing strange electric jolts running down my legs. It wasn't painful or really uncomfortable, just weird. It then started in my arms as well, eventually moving to my lips and my scalp. My brain started feeling very sluggish and the jolts became annoying coming to the point now where I feel like I'm crawling out my skin accompanied by full bodied jolts and extreme agitation.

Looking online, I found out I am having withdrawal symptoms from Zoloft and Vyvanse. Fucking beautiful.

Wishes, Hopes and Dreams

I have at last acknowledged that my marriage, after so many fights, so many separations and so very many unhappy days and nights, is finally over. There is a part of me saddened by this but really and truly, my overall feeling is relief. An end of misery for both of us....He has been just as unhappy and miserable as me. Finally we both have realized how toxic we are for each other. I'm sure there is someone out there equipped to deal with his issues just as there is someone out there equipped to deal with mine. We just weren't able to deal with each others. Incompatible I guess you could say.

***

I've wished so many times for a "partnership". I marriage where I'm not alone 99% of the time. One in which my "partner" helps me make a family, helps me make a home. I don't mean by impregnating me (almost any motherfucker out there could do that) or by just providing the financial means to have a roof over our heads...food to eat, etc. I mean someone who participates in our family. Someone that actually enjoys my company and someone that loves coming home to see the beautiful, smiling faces of my babies instead of running to the garage as fast as possible. Sometimes bypassing coming into the house at all to say hello. I love you. Anything at all. Instead of ignoring us, pretending we don't exist.

I want to eat dinner together, bathe the kids together. Have a date night that doesn't end in a fight. I want to be in love dammit! In love so passionately, so wholly and completely. Not just with that person but with our life together...

There have been countless times I have observed the relationships of my friends and felt jealousy. Envy...Knowing that my husband would never look at me like that. Never seek out my hand just to touch me. Never look in my eyes and simply fall. That I would never look into his eyes and simply...fall. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights wishing for this. Wanting it and needing it so badly.

I have to leave this now. It's too much. Too emotional and too sad.