Why Divorce Sucks Ass

Arg!!! This is out of control! Who knew (I certainly didn't) that a 5 minute ceremony could result in this kind of cautasrophy? That at the end of only 2 years we would be in this position. Trying like hell to be civil but mostly just failing miserably. That I would, after all my talk about the importance of the covenant of marriage, be filing for divorce. That splitting things up would be so heartrending and treacherous. That the man I chose to be with forever would hate me so much. That we wouldn't be able to give the others the neseccities. The things that make each individual and each relationship so different. How I couldn't see it (or maybe, most likely chose not to see it) is beyond me. I feel like I have failed and in doing so have let so many people down. Most of all my babies.

Today I'm feeling so downtrodden and funky. Like I may cry at any given moment. Hysterics are just a breath away here. It's actually tangible and I can feel it behind my eyes waiting to burst out and scare my co-workers. What a fucking mess.

I retained a lawyer to get some information and to start drawing up the paperwork so we can get this show on the road. I'd like to say this will be over soon and I can move on with my life but I think the ex-whatever is going to fight me on every point. So far he feels that I deserve to get nada out of this. The law states something entirely different but that doesn't mean he will say ok...let's work this out fairly. It only means that after a long and quite possibly nasty court battle I will end up getting what I asked for, possibly more as I am trying to do this without fighting, and he will have spent more time, money and energy than was needed.

I am not a money hungry, gold digger, hoe bag whatever. I only want to be able to provide my kids with a home of our own (we are currently sharing a room. ALL. 3. OF. US.) and some stability. That last thing has been sorely lacking. I don't think I'm asking too much. I do not think I am asking too much. Do you think I am asking too much? Sorry...a song just stuck into my head...I only want what's best for my family. Too bad he can't see it that way.

I just want to melt into the floor at this point. It's too overwhelming to even think about sometimes.

Why? Why? Why?