Thursday, December 20, 2007
Update
Things are much better.....going without medication is a no no. Bleh to the dependency on anti-depressants.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The Kind of Anxiety that Sours a Stomach
Anyone that has been reading this blog for a long time and anyone who personally knows me, knows of the problems I have had in my marriage in the past. Those that know me are intimately aware of those problems and have been rejoicing for over a year now that things have been so good. You see, over a year ago The Huz and I separated and were well on our way to a divorce. We had lawyers and settlements were inches away as well signing our marriage away to nothingness. We had moments of amicable conversation but not very many and it was a very nasty, very hard time for me. For us both.
The Huz has issues with major depression and once he decided to confront that fact and seek help, he became a completely different person. A different husband and a different father. We decided to call off the divorce and see what happened. We took it slow and steady and made it work. It was bliss. I can't remember a time either one of us was ever this happy in our union. It was almost disgusting....to much mush and squish. I loved it.
Lately things have been getting bad again. It started with a situation that I cannot discuss here. It's not truly my story so I can't out it. I think it would really upset him. The feelings from this continued for me and my hurt was basically ignored. Cast aside and made to feel to me like they were inconsequential. I tried to put it behind me and move on. Then another situation happened, I wrote about it. The concert. Which alone isn't too big a deal but combined with the other....well, let's just say it made me feel worse.
My mom took the kids and I to Disney this weekend for Mickey's Very Merry Christmas. It's a special event in which they open the park from 7-midnight for this event. A day trip to Disney is tiring but a night trip? OMG! Exhausting. We got back to the hotel and in bed by 1:30-2 and didn't sleep very much at all. The kids were restless and we were back up at 7am on the road by 9am to go to a ladies luncheon with the girls from my family. Already being tired and sitting in the car for 2 plus hours does not make for happy kids. Especially when they are then expected to sit in a restaurant for an hour or more. To top this off I started my period which is always really hard for me. I cramp like a motherfucker and nothing truly helps.
Baye wasn't working because power was out in half of Jacksonville and the shop closed. I wasn't going to be home until 2pm so he and some of the guys from work came here and hung out. They apparently got rip roaring drunk. I called when I was on my way home to tell him to be ready to take over the parenting duties because I was feeling shitty. He agreed so when I got there I expected to be able to drop my stuff and head to bed. Notsomuch. He passed out on the couch and when I woke him up upset and questioned him about it, he got really pissed off at me. He said a lot of mean things and I reacted badly. We spent the remainder of the day and night not talking and we didn't talk today before he left for work.
This behavior, this energy, is so much like before and I am so very worried. A few days of a hump is understandable...but 3 weeks is BAD. Bad bad bad. And I am worried.
The Huz has issues with major depression and once he decided to confront that fact and seek help, he became a completely different person. A different husband and a different father. We decided to call off the divorce and see what happened. We took it slow and steady and made it work. It was bliss. I can't remember a time either one of us was ever this happy in our union. It was almost disgusting....to much mush and squish. I loved it.
Lately things have been getting bad again. It started with a situation that I cannot discuss here. It's not truly my story so I can't out it. I think it would really upset him. The feelings from this continued for me and my hurt was basically ignored. Cast aside and made to feel to me like they were inconsequential. I tried to put it behind me and move on. Then another situation happened, I wrote about it. The concert. Which alone isn't too big a deal but combined with the other....well, let's just say it made me feel worse.
My mom took the kids and I to Disney this weekend for Mickey's Very Merry Christmas. It's a special event in which they open the park from 7-midnight for this event. A day trip to Disney is tiring but a night trip? OMG! Exhausting. We got back to the hotel and in bed by 1:30-2 and didn't sleep very much at all. The kids were restless and we were back up at 7am on the road by 9am to go to a ladies luncheon with the girls from my family. Already being tired and sitting in the car for 2 plus hours does not make for happy kids. Especially when they are then expected to sit in a restaurant for an hour or more. To top this off I started my period which is always really hard for me. I cramp like a motherfucker and nothing truly helps.
Baye wasn't working because power was out in half of Jacksonville and the shop closed. I wasn't going to be home until 2pm so he and some of the guys from work came here and hung out. They apparently got rip roaring drunk. I called when I was on my way home to tell him to be ready to take over the parenting duties because I was feeling shitty. He agreed so when I got there I expected to be able to drop my stuff and head to bed. Notsomuch. He passed out on the couch and when I woke him up upset and questioned him about it, he got really pissed off at me. He said a lot of mean things and I reacted badly. We spent the remainder of the day and night not talking and we didn't talk today before he left for work.
This behavior, this energy, is so much like before and I am so very worried. A few days of a hump is understandable...but 3 weeks is BAD. Bad bad bad. And I am worried.
Friday, December 14, 2007
WalMart Haters of the World, Unite!
One question about this corporation looms largest for me.
How in the hell did it become such a huge, multi-billion dollar corporation with the quality of employees they seem to consistently hire?
Ok...some more questions.
Why do they always only have 2-3 lanes open for a super store FULL of customers?
I have yet to go to one and wait in line less than 10 minutes. Usually the lines are 10 or more people deep with carts full to the brim with groceries. And. And. AND. The cashiers are S L O W.
Like molasses s l o w. Cold molasses. Can I repeat s l o w? Shit!! It is a very trying experience with two kids getting super impatient, screaming at the top of lungs and one that can't really be tied down anymore because she's just too big for the carts and she has to touch every single fucking thing in the crack aisle otherwise known as a checkout lane. Whew!
I hadn't been inside a WalMart for well over a year because of these same complaints but today it was the easiest (not in hindsight) place to stop for a few quick things. I will never ever never ever never ever go back.
That's not even mentioning the people who shop there. One lady stepped on my child and looked at me as if to say wtf? Watch your kid...hey lady. Why don't you watch where the fuck you're going? Another example. We were walking down an aisle big enough for two carts to easily pass one another and Chloe was walking next to the cart. Two women turned into the aisle coming our way so I asked C to walk in front of me and help me push so those nice ladies can go by. They were walking side by side and didn't so much as adjust anything to make the passing happen. They stayed side by side and I had to shove my cart up against a display so we didn't get mowed down. As they passed (of course I can't just keep my mouth shut) I said VERY loudly, THANKS FOR MOVING!! I got a lot of huffing and puffing in return.
This place should be called RudeMart. StoopidMart. CommunistMart.
I'll just call it FuckyouMart.
How in the hell did it become such a huge, multi-billion dollar corporation with the quality of employees they seem to consistently hire?
Ok...some more questions.
Why do they always only have 2-3 lanes open for a super store FULL of customers?
I have yet to go to one and wait in line less than 10 minutes. Usually the lines are 10 or more people deep with carts full to the brim with groceries. And. And. AND. The cashiers are S L O W.
Like molasses s l o w. Cold molasses. Can I repeat s l o w? Shit!! It is a very trying experience with two kids getting super impatient, screaming at the top of lungs and one that can't really be tied down anymore because she's just too big for the carts and she has to touch every single fucking thing in the crack aisle otherwise known as a checkout lane. Whew!
I hadn't been inside a WalMart for well over a year because of these same complaints but today it was the easiest (not in hindsight) place to stop for a few quick things. I will never ever never ever never ever go back.
That's not even mentioning the people who shop there. One lady stepped on my child and looked at me as if to say wtf? Watch your kid...hey lady. Why don't you watch where the fuck you're going? Another example. We were walking down an aisle big enough for two carts to easily pass one another and Chloe was walking next to the cart. Two women turned into the aisle coming our way so I asked C to walk in front of me and help me push so those nice ladies can go by. They were walking side by side and didn't so much as adjust anything to make the passing happen. They stayed side by side and I had to shove my cart up against a display so we didn't get mowed down. As they passed (of course I can't just keep my mouth shut) I said VERY loudly, THANKS FOR MOVING!! I got a lot of huffing and puffing in return.
This place should be called RudeMart. StoopidMart. CommunistMart.
I'll just call it FuckyouMart.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Oh My Goodness Gracious!
The funnies just don't stop around here...
My daughter's new favorite "pretend" game is "pretending" to give herself and all other in our house new names and to "pretend" we are neighbors or whatever.
So far we have captain names.
C: Capt Cardiss
Me: Capt DryButt
Leah (my sister): Capt Lalalalola
Neighbor names
C: Maria, Janda, amongst other very strange sounding names with no vowels and some with no consonants.
Me: whatever name I choose which usually is "this again? I don't wanna plaaaay!"
Housekeeping names:
C: see above
Me: see above
Jack (newly inducted into the new name game) was just dubbed: Cha Cha Cha Chia!
My daughter's new favorite "pretend" game is "pretending" to give herself and all other in our house new names and to "pretend" we are neighbors or whatever.
So far we have captain names.
C: Capt Cardiss
Me: Capt DryButt
Leah (my sister): Capt Lalalalola
Neighbor names
C: Maria, Janda, amongst other very strange sounding names with no vowels and some with no consonants.
Me: whatever name I choose which usually is "this again? I don't wanna plaaaay!"
Housekeeping names:
C: see above
Me: see above
Jack (newly inducted into the new name game) was just dubbed: Cha Cha Cha Chia!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Eh...Whatever
So, I was all set Friday to do something. Anything. I originally had plans with a few girlfriends to do dinner, chick flicks and a sleepover which I was super excited about. Quality girl time is hard to come by these days and food and wine mixed with my favorite girls was just what I needed. Then Delaney called about the Blind Melon show and I was so torn! I so needed girl time but I also really wanted to go to the show. So did my huz...the hussy. Guess who went out? Guess who stayed home with the kids?
Yep. I stayed home.
Yep. I stayed home.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Music for the Soul
Blind Melon - Mouthful of Cavities
I have been in love with this band for quite awhile and have always wished I had had the opportunity to see them live before the lead singer, Shannon Hoon, overdosed. Their music is so powerful and the lyrics are just amazing. So strong and fearless. When I listen to any of their albums I am immediately transported to a self-reflective state of mind. One in which so many of my thoughts and feelings are being sang to me. Explained to me from a perspective I need but could never reach on my own.
I got a call today from my good friend Delaney that they will be playing in Tallahassee tomorrow night (with a new lead singer, of course...all other band members will be present). I'm feeling very split about this. While I would love to see them, I know it won't be the same without Shannon. His voice lent so much to the music and lyrics. Melded it all together.
Anyways..here's a clip from one of my favorite songs by them.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Layers
It seems strange to me when a loved one dies that it feels like you are peeling off a layer of your life. Not taking them off and tossing them but folding them gently and placing them in a box for safe keeping along side your old photos and concert tickets.
My mom, my aunt, my cousins and myself cleaned out my Grandmas apartment today. Her life put into plastic bags and rubbermaid containers. Her clothes taken to be given to an older family member and her memories scattered between those of us there. There is something so raw, so hurtful about what we did today. The final straw in our hearts and minds. The final act of admitting she is not coming back. Her laugh no longer heard. Her smile never to grace us again.
What we have left lives in our hearts and minds. In our old shoe boxes stored in drawers and under our beds. While sad it is the future for us all. The layers of our lives peeled away.
My mom, my aunt, my cousins and myself cleaned out my Grandmas apartment today. Her life put into plastic bags and rubbermaid containers. Her clothes taken to be given to an older family member and her memories scattered between those of us there. There is something so raw, so hurtful about what we did today. The final straw in our hearts and minds. The final act of admitting she is not coming back. Her laugh no longer heard. Her smile never to grace us again.
What we have left lives in our hearts and minds. In our old shoe boxes stored in drawers and under our beds. While sad it is the future for us all. The layers of our lives peeled away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)