Sunday, December 16, 2007

The Kind of Anxiety that Sours a Stomach

Anyone that has been reading this blog for a long time and anyone who personally knows me, knows of the problems I have had in my marriage in the past. Those that know me are intimately aware of those problems and have been rejoicing for over a year now that things have been so good. You see, over a year ago The Huz and I separated and were well on our way to a divorce. We had lawyers and settlements were inches away as well signing our marriage away to nothingness. We had moments of amicable conversation but not very many and it was a very nasty, very hard time for me. For us both.

The Huz has issues with major depression and once he decided to confront that fact and seek help, he became a completely different person. A different husband and a different father. We decided to call off the divorce and see what happened. We took it slow and steady and made it work. It was bliss. I can't remember a time either one of us was ever this happy in our union. It was almost disgusting....to much mush and squish. I loved it.

Lately things have been getting bad again. It started with a situation that I cannot discuss here. It's not truly my story so I can't out it. I think it would really upset him. The feelings from this continued for me and my hurt was basically ignored. Cast aside and made to feel to me like they were inconsequential. I tried to put it behind me and move on. Then another situation happened, I wrote about it. The concert. Which alone isn't too big a deal but combined with the other....well, let's just say it made me feel worse.

My mom took the kids and I to Disney this weekend for Mickey's Very Merry Christmas. It's a special event in which they open the park from 7-midnight for this event. A day trip to Disney is tiring but a night trip? OMG! Exhausting. We got back to the hotel and in bed by 1:30-2 and didn't sleep very much at all. The kids were restless and we were back up at 7am on the road by 9am to go to a ladies luncheon with the girls from my family. Already being tired and sitting in the car for 2 plus hours does not make for happy kids. Especially when they are then expected to sit in a restaurant for an hour or more. To top this off I started my period which is always really hard for me. I cramp like a motherfucker and nothing truly helps.

Baye wasn't working because power was out in half of Jacksonville and the shop closed. I wasn't going to be home until 2pm so he and some of the guys from work came here and hung out. They apparently got rip roaring drunk. I called when I was on my way home to tell him to be ready to take over the parenting duties because I was feeling shitty. He agreed so when I got there I expected to be able to drop my stuff and head to bed. Notsomuch. He passed out on the couch and when I woke him up upset and questioned him about it, he got really pissed off at me. He said a lot of mean things and I reacted badly. We spent the remainder of the day and night not talking and we didn't talk today before he left for work.

This behavior, this energy, is so much like before and I am so very worried. A few days of a hump is understandable...but 3 weeks is BAD. Bad bad bad. And I am worried.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sucks. I really know how this feels. Sounds like the same stuff my current spouse is doing except we are finishing the deed after going back and forth with the lawyers. Life's easier when you're not fighting. I'm really noticing a difference in my kid too now that we are not constantly disappointing each other. This is some really tough stuff. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck!

-M

insagentny said...

I'm really sorry. I do understand how you feel. It's really hurtful when you feel like they don't want to work things out. I was told after 4 years and buying a house together that we lost the spark. We just got through the holiday's and then he was sick and then I was sick. The feeling of not knowing where you are going to live or what you are going to do and just not having that person in your life is just a sickening. I can't eat, sleep, and constantly think about how much I love him and don't want to let him go. We don't fight and are very compatible and he says he still loves me. He doesn't exactly know why. I think he has some signs of clinical depression but how do you tell someone that? Sorry, I needed to vent. My thoughts are with you and I wish I could take all your pain away because I don't wish this sort of pain on anyone. If you need to talk I'm at insagentny@yahoo.com.