Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Unnecessarily Necessary

I have been dealing with depression for so long, I can't really remember a time I wasn't depressed. I mean, there have certainly been intervals of time I haven't dealt with it but it has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I've actually gone months, even years without being "depressed" but it always come back with a vengeance. Lately, it's been sleeping in my bed with me all day every day.

The really horrible thing about it, is that this time it's manifesting itself in different ways. All of the old ways but some new ones as well and it sucks. Badly. I usually try to deal with it without taking any medication and am successful most times but sometimes....I need it and I absolutely hate being dependent on drugs to make me feel good and normal. I keep a prescription of Wellbutrin handy for these occasions and will take it for a few months until things settle down and then I stop. I'm good and happy and go on with my life.

This time, it's not working. I've been taking the drugs for about two months now and they aren't really working. I keep "forgetting" to take them and once I've "forgotten" enough times when I do remember, I look at the bottle, groan and tell myself I'll take it later. I think we all know later never comes and I continue on my downward spiral. What's more, this seems to happening to me more and more lately. It was only back in October that I went completely nuts and shaved my head. I got better and moved on. Now, less than a year later I'm dealing with it again.

If I was worrying about just myself it wouldn't be such a problem but I'm taking care of two amazing kids (that I can't stand to be around these days), a husband (whom I am so pissed off at all of the time for nothing) and a household (which requires so much of my time and attention to keep up and running). Nothing gets taken care of and everyone suffers for my suffering. Besides my inability to do anything, I am so fucking irritable this time around I can't stand being around myself most of the time! It's gotten out of control and I'm afraid I need to go see a doctor to change meds and get some relief.

Studies show that if you suffer from some form of depression, your children are 2x as likely to suffer. I've also recently been told that ADD and ADHD are the symptoms of manic depression. It manifests itself as ADD/ADHD in children and most times turns in bipolar manic depression in adults. Cheery right? If I suffer and if Baye suffers, what hope is there for Jack? What hope is there for Chloe if she is so much like me? It's a shitty situation...


the weirdgirl said...

For what it's worth, depression runs in my immediate and extended family; my mom has been on and off anti-depressants for years and we think my dad might be slightly bipolar (but undiagnosed - he just drinks instead), and I have NOT inherited depression. That doesn't mean I don't get depressed about situations occasionally, but I don't get the clinical depression that affects the rest of my family. And of my two ADHD brothers one definitely does not get depressed. My other brother does sometimes but he's a musician. Don't feel like your depression has assigned your kids to the same thing.

And there is nothing wrong with taking medication! Or getting new meds. Personally, I think they're a godsend (as long as you get the ones that work for you). I've had too many friends who tried to "tough it out" through the depression or anxiety or mania and were just miserable. If you had migraines all the time, you'd take meds wouldn't you? It's the same thing.

I'm glad you posted about this. Please know that we're here for you. Take care. And go to the doctor!

Woman on the Verge said...

Thanks Weird Girl! Any support and advice is welcome.