Seperation Anxiety

So, it's been almost a month since the kids and I moved out of Bayes' house. I won't lie, it has been hard but certainly not as hard as being there with him was. I have seen a definite change for the better in Lil Miss. She has even stated a few times that she feels happier. That's really all the affirmation I need to know I made the right choice.

I know, I know....I have done this before. Left him with every intention of staying gone and ultimately been sucked back in to going to back to him. This time is different. I can't really explain why or what feelings are different this time except that every time in the past I have ad some lingering love/affection for him and hope that we could make it work. I am absolutely void of any of that this time. I knew that there would come a day when enough would simply be enough and my heart and head would reconcile their differences. That time came over a month ago. I had set a plan in motion to make it possible for us to leave but my plan required time. Come to find out, the last thing I had was time. I won't go into the gory details. While it is my story to tell, other people have been and could still be affected by the facts. Maybe some day I will feel comfortable putting it out there but that day is not today.

He has been pretty agreeable to the terms of divorce. Hell, he's been agreeable to the fact that we're getting a divorce at all and that is a huge change from the last time. I truly believe he realizes how unhealthy our relationship had become and how completely unhappy we were making each other. Some people simply don't meld well and it's nobodies fault. It's just a fact. He seems to be so much more at peace without me there. So much happier....

I know the 3 of us are feeling the change and it is so much better.

I will admit that I'm scared shitless to embark on this journey alone. Being a single parent doesn't appeal to me in the slightest but t really won't be much of a change as far as responsibilities go. I did the majority of everything involving parenting and housekeeping while we were together. The only real difference will be the financial aspect. I have to get a job and that means I will most likely have to put J Dog in daycare. Lil Miss's school has extended day but it only extends to 3:30 in the afternoon and any day job I get would most likely stretch well into the evening. I have a conundrum here. I have thought about working at night in a restaurant for now so I can still be home during the day with the babes but everything appears to be fully staffed. It's pretty rotten and very damn stressful.

I know I'm fully capable of doing this on my own. I am strong and smart. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends to support me and help me when I need it. The way they have rallied around the 3 of us in the last couple of months has been so refreshing. I feel incredibley blessed to have such amazing people in our lives.

On a somewhat different note;
Therapy and meds are going well. I actually start extensive pshyco-therapy this week to deal with past sexual abuse and family issues I seem to have buried for so many years. The damage caused by these events runs deep and I have been ignoring the scars for way too long. They have shaped my life and my decisions for far too long. I'm beyond ready to start the process of healing. I'm ready to feel whole and to be able to love the way I know love should be. I want to be capable of making good decisions for us and I haven't been capable of that for as long as I can remember.

I am getting back involved in church and it feels good to be a part of something like that again. It will be a slow, cautious process but i feel that I need that kind of fellowship and an outlet or a place to meet other people that can be uplifting for me and me for them. The babes really enjoy going as well and it gives me an opprtunity to meet other parents with kids the same age as mine. We all need that right now....

Just keep us in your thoughts. Send good juju our way...we for sure need it!

Mommy, I have a question.....

Chloe: Mommy, I have a big question....how do I put this....hmm. Well do you remember when I was borned?
Me: Of course I remember when you were born. That is one thing I am guaranteed to never forget.
Chloe: Um, well, this is going to be a long talk mom. Ok? You know babies...when they're in mommy's tummy's? And they cut the baby out of the mommy's tummy's?

I had to stop her there and explain that only sometimes they "cut the babies out". How graphic and weird is that?

Chloe: Where do, um, the babies go? You know after that?
Me: They come out into the world and to mommy's and daddy's house so we can love them and teach them.
Chloe: Well, what I'm trying to ask is, well, um, where are the babies before they go into your tummy? Where are they? I just don't know where they are first...you know?

At this point I was like, holy shit. I knew I was going to be splainin this soon enough but it was kinda unexpected.

Me: Ok, babe. Well moms have these things called eggs, not like chicken eggs, but super duper tiny little eggs that live in here (I showed her on my body) and dads have these little things that look like super tiny tadpoles. The little tadpoles and the little eggs come together and they make a baby. It starts out really small and it grows and grows for 9 months and when it's all ready...out comes the baby!
Chloe: Wow...I have to think about this. Can we talk about this some more some other time....?

She walks off and it's done. For now.