Wishes, Hopes and Dreams

I have at last acknowledged that my marriage, after so many fights, so many separations and so very many unhappy days and nights, is finally over. There is a part of me saddened by this but really and truly, my overall feeling is relief. An end of misery for both of us....He has been just as unhappy and miserable as me. Finally we both have realized how toxic we are for each other. I'm sure there is someone out there equipped to deal with his issues just as there is someone out there equipped to deal with mine. We just weren't able to deal with each others. Incompatible I guess you could say.

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I've wished so many times for a "partnership". I marriage where I'm not alone 99% of the time. One in which my "partner" helps me make a family, helps me make a home. I don't mean by impregnating me (almost any motherfucker out there could do that) or by just providing the financial means to have a roof over our heads...food to eat, etc. I mean someone who participates in our family. Someone that actually enjoys my company and someone that loves coming home to see the beautiful, smiling faces of my babies instead of running to the garage as fast as possible. Sometimes bypassing coming into the house at all to say hello. I love you. Anything at all. Instead of ignoring us, pretending we don't exist.

I want to eat dinner together, bathe the kids together. Have a date night that doesn't end in a fight. I want to be in love dammit! In love so passionately, so wholly and completely. Not just with that person but with our life together...

There have been countless times I have observed the relationships of my friends and felt jealousy. Envy...Knowing that my husband would never look at me like that. Never seek out my hand just to touch me. Never look in my eyes and simply fall. That I would never look into his eyes and simply...fall. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights wishing for this. Wanting it and needing it so badly.

I have to leave this now. It's too much. Too emotional and too sad.

Blinded by the light...

Or better yet, blinded by my desire for people to do as they say they will do, to be honorable, just and fair.

Listen, I DO realize that a lot of people are not like this and especially should know from past experience with certain people that I should be as guarded and mistrusting as possible. I just SO wanted to be civil. Unfortunately, I'm the only one in this who desires civility.

I don't want my sweet babes to be even more affected by this than they already have been. Even though she understands why, Chloe is still heartbroken by our split. And Jack? Poor baby...he doesn't have the comprehension skills yet to really get it. He's very angry with me and very confused by the circumstances. It kills me to see them both suffering this way, even though I know I'm doing the right thing for all of us. I wish there was a better way....

I can only hope for and work for peace and harmony in our lives. I know it will come....