you need to be reminded to remember. I, as a mother of two very active children, need to be reminded. To be told, "hey! Stop for a minute, enjoy this moment. Capture it. Remember it. This will only happen once." They're right. It does. All of these amazing things my kids say and do....they will eventually be folded away into a distant, but safe, part of my brain. They won't be memories that surface often. Maybe not for years and thinking about that, makes me feel like crying. It makes me want to hold on so tightly to everything they do, from the sweet whispers good morning to the hours long questioning I get daily. Jack's pudgy hand in mine as I lead him to his room for nap. Him knowing where he's going, not liking it but grasping my hand and following me anyways. Sometimes leading the way. Chloe's enthusiasm for playing Princess Housekeeping. "I am the princess, mommy and you are the queen. I can make you a snack then we can dance. Will you dance with me mommy?" Her belief that I am the most beautiful, special person in the entire world. "Mommy, can I tell you sumptin.....? You are so special, the best mommy ever and you make the best chicken. I love you." I never realized how those words would make me feel. How they could be so stop you in your tracks words. So strong and so special.
There are certainly times when it gets hard. When they are both acting like wild beasts, crying, no, screaming, throwing tantrums, throwing food, fighting with each other that I find myself wishing they were older. Wishing to just survive this, but I am reminded that even though it's tough now, it will still be tough when they are eight and thirteen and even twenty-five. That I signed up for a lifetime of tough but also a lifetime of the most amazing moments. Moments and memories that will be to me like an newspaper clipping found at the bottom of a keepsake box, wrinkled and faded but still so poignant. So special to me.
What seems absolutely crazy to me is that after a long day with them, I am wishing like hell for bedtime. For that chance to unwind and have a glass of wine. Once they are down and sleeping, dreaming of chocolate and swimming pools, I miss them. I want to go wake them up and kiss them one more time. Hold them close to me and apologize for wanting time to myself. For not enjoying every second with them. I know it's really impossible to do that. To enjoy every second, every moment and every smile but I want like hell to remember all of it.
I have come to truly understand the meaning of bittersweet.