The Lowdown on the Showdown

It's been an interesting week here at casa de la petit dictators. Getting settled in as a stay-at-home mom. Getting a schedule and trying to make peace with the fact that 80% of my conversations will from now on be with two people under 3 feet tall. It's been wonderful being here with them and I'll be honest...it's also been hard. Usually by 5-6 o'clock, I am exhausted and ready for a break. The Mr. has been working 6 days a week and with him having only one day off, I have only one day off, so.....needless to say. ARG!!

Onto other things. We are leaving(the kids and I) for Miami tomorrow afternoon for 6 days...yay! Vacation! I am so looking forward to this trip, for the time away and the good food I'm sure to eat. The beautiful people I can ogle at the beach and the relaxation of my sister-in-laws house. Not looking forward to a six hour drive with two kids by myself, but hey. It will be worth it.

Ok. Now the Lowdown. Over two years ago I started a case with the state for child support against Chloe's dad. It took a year for anything to happen and when I say anything, that is exactly what I mean. A full year to process the application and send out financial affidavits. Another full year to process those and finally two months ago I received and proposed final order. Saying that with his income he should be paying me X amount of dollars each month, with tens of thousands owed in back support and he must carry insurance on her. He has been paying me less than half of what the state says he should pay. He has never carried insurance on her. He has only given extra help twice when things were tough. I have asked numerous times. We have had MANY conversations about child support and I have tried very hard to make him aware of what any judge would rule if we went to court. I'm a reasonable person and don't want to take him to cleaners but he has never heeded my warnings and now he has major sticker shock. Sorry? Oh well? I told you so? In any case we have a hearing in front of a judge in August to determine the outcome and the set support. A final order will FINALLY be put in place after two long years of this business. I'm so ready for it to be over.

My biggest fear with this is that the relationship I have worked so very hard to build with him is going to come crashing down. Money is a nasty business and the issue of child support probably the nastiest of any of it. I have made life so easy for him over the last four years and have bent over backwards trying to push him in the right direction towards a better relationship with his daughter at the sacrifice of myself. So many things I've wanted to say to him and have kept my mouth shut in order to keep around for her. Last night his girlfriend dropped Chloe off at home and we stayed up until 12:30 am talking about everything that has been going on. She has been a single mother since 19 and has had a rough go of it with her daughter's dad. She tells Scott constantly how good he has it with me and if it were her, she would have been making his life hell. She reminds him that he has never walked a day in my shoes and all of the complaining he does about me is bullshit. That his saying I can bitchy is ridiculous, I have every right to be bitchier. To be meaner. To be downright hateful for all of the fucked up things he has put me through. You know what I say to that? You can take this little amount of bitch I give you and shove it up your ass. There is so much more bitch where that came from and you are lucky I haven't let it out. I could make his life miserable so easily and have chosen not to for the sake of my little girl. So...fuck off.

**Sorry for the tangent, just irritated after talking to her about this last night**

I refuse to be the bad guy in this. I will not be. I have tried too hard for too long to make this work to let anything screw it up. Even him. He says he has no desire for this situation to get ugly. He wants something set in stone as much as I do. But is it possible? Can we make it to the finish line of this without it becoming a disaster? God, I hope so.

On a lighter note: Yesterday we were swimming with my girlfriend Sara, talking about the trip to Miami and how excited we are.
Sara to Chloe: So, you're going to visit your Auntie in Miami?
C: No we're going to my mommy's Ami.
I guess my talking about MIami translated to her meant me saying My Ami. As in mine. The mommy's. How freakin adorable!

Sometimes......

you need to be reminded to remember. I, as a mother of two very active children, need to be reminded. To be told, "hey! Stop for a minute, enjoy this moment. Capture it. Remember it. This will only happen once." They're right. It does. All of these amazing things my kids say and do....they will eventually be folded away into a distant, but safe, part of my brain. They won't be memories that surface often. Maybe not for years and thinking about that, makes me feel like crying. It makes me want to hold on so tightly to everything they do, from the sweet whispers good morning to the hours long questioning I get daily. Jack's pudgy hand in mine as I lead him to his room for nap. Him knowing where he's going, not liking it but grasping my hand and following me anyways. Sometimes leading the way. Chloe's enthusiasm for playing Princess Housekeeping. "I am the princess, mommy and you are the queen. I can make you a snack then we can dance. Will you dance with me mommy?" Her belief that I am the most beautiful, special person in the entire world. "Mommy, can I tell you sumptin.....? You are so special, the best mommy ever and you make the best chicken. I love you." I never realized how those words would make me feel. How they could be so stop you in your tracks words. So strong and so special.

There are certainly times when it gets hard. When they are both acting like wild beasts, crying, no, screaming, throwing tantrums, throwing food, fighting with each other that I find myself wishing they were older. Wishing to just survive this, but I am reminded that even though it's tough now, it will still be tough when they are eight and thirteen and even twenty-five. That I signed up for a lifetime of tough but also a lifetime of the most amazing moments. Moments and memories that will be to me like an newspaper clipping found at the bottom of a keepsake box, wrinkled and faded but still so poignant. So special to me.

What seems absolutely crazy to me is that after a long day with them, I am wishing like hell for bedtime. For that chance to unwind and have a glass of wine. Once they are down and sleeping, dreaming of chocolate and swimming pools, I miss them. I want to go wake them up and kiss them one more time. Hold them close to me and apologize for wanting time to myself. For not enjoying every second with them. I know it's really impossible to do that. To enjoy every second, every moment and every smile but I want like hell to remember all of it.

I have come to truly understand the meaning of bittersweet.

Slight change of plans....

Well, it looks like I may not be going to Boston in August after all. I have been working at a restaurant, waiting tables for a number of months now and after a short time there they put me in as the daytime shift leader. Basically being in charge of making sure things run smoothly during the day, bossing people around, etc, etc. Anyone who has worked in the service industry knows that in order to make the cash you have to close lunches or work nights and since I won't work until 4am because of my kids I needed to close lunches. Blah blah blah....Unfortunately at this place, even closing lunch wasn't cutting it, so I informed the management that unless something changed they would need to look for a new daytime shift bitch. They decided to give me a raise making almost 7/hr plus tips. The regular pay for servers is about 3.50/hr. So, I decided to stay on to see if that made it worthwhile. They never gave me my raise. I waited 3 weeks for it to show up on my paychecks and it never happened. So, screw them. I was essentially working to pay for daycare. Certainly nothing more considering the fact that I couldn't even afford to pay the daycare most weeks. (Hello $280/wk for two kids!) Too much stress and no way to alleviate it. So I quit. I am once again a stay-at-home mommy. Great in a way. I have wanted to stay home with them since I had to go back to work but financial stress made it impossible. That's just the way things go sometimes I guess. Thankfully things are looking up and we can afford for me to be home without too much stress and worry over money. We will just have to see how this plays out over the next few months.

The gist of that long ass story was that no more job + no more daycare = noone to watch the kids during the day while I am in Boston living it up with my girls. I'm very sad about that but very excited to be spending so much quality time with my babies. Also, this will make going to school so much easier. I can focus a certain amount of time (nap time) during the day to online classes and the ones I actually need to go in for, the college offers free childcare for students. Fabulous!

I will posting some new pictures of the kids as soon as we get the main computer up and running. It's almost impossible to upload from the laptop so ....soon. I promise. You guys won't believe how freaking big they're getting!