Hello World...

I think I may be back for good. Back to my trusty ol' blog after a not so brief hiatus. I only hope I can reforge some of the relationships on here that I've left standing without any attention for so long...So in that spirit, Hello again!

It's 6:30am here in the mountains of Alabama and the sun is just starting to creep up behind these gray, heavy snow clouds. Everyone is still asleep except me and Rusty dog. He's always the one to wake up with me and sit close to me while I drink my coffee and contemplate my day, or life....this morning we're looking out at our snow covered yard as we sit by the crackling heater waiting for our people to shake the sleep from their eyes. Honestly, I think he's just waiting for me to cave and feed him a biscuit.

I really enjoy this time of the morning when I'm the only one awake. I can think and dream with the only distraction being a cold, wet nose nudging under my hand and into my lap for some scratches behind the ears and sweet slobbery kisses. I have to admit my life is damn good. I have finally found the peaceful existence I looked so long and so hard for. The place where I don't have to worry...where love is so abundant you can taste it in the air around us. I have found my fairytale. When I take this out to examine it, I am in AWE of the life I get to live now.

I hear people stirring....Rusty has gotten bored of it being just the two of us and he's making his rounds, waking people (and Bella dog) up with big kisses. Time to get up!

I will be back very very soon. I promise.

- Summer

WOW!

Has it really been 6 months since my last post?! What in the hell is that all about? Oh yeah...I've been super busy. This site was initially started as a means to keep in touch with friends and family living far away and evolved into a personal kind of online diary/memory keeper etc...I guess I just grew out of it for a while and on a whim, decided to look at it tonight.

I have so much to say. SO much has happened but I have no clue where to begin...Maybe I'll take some time to think about it and come back later to "blog" about it!

Peace

Gone for so long

It's not that I have had nothing to say, nothing going on...I just haven't felt like saying it, writing it, typing it. Whatever. I've been super busy and even more crazy than usual...haha! So, I'll try to play a little catch up before my mind wanders and I get bored.

The kids? Holy cow! They're frickin huge!! Miss Priss turned 6 on the 30th. SIX!! My baby girl is a sassy assed school aged princess that in her very own words "is so super smart. Wanna know why? Cuz my brain is big. Yep. Wanna know why my brain is big? Cuz I'm super smart." Yeah, her mommy made her that way and can I say how amazingly proud I am of her? She will tell you in a heartbeat that it's waaaay better and waaaay cooler to be smart than pretty. Yup yup. THAT makes my heart swell with pride. Plus she really is super smart.

Jack is beyond incredible. Has a vocabulary that rivals a lot of adults. He uses discombobulated in correct context. Who the hell is this kid? He can take all kinds of things apart and put them back together again. Correctly. I can't even do that. He's nearly 4! and I am blown away almost daily by his sweet spirit and the love he gives me. His big boy independence with his hand touching mine just to be sure it's going to be ok.

Man, I love these kids. I promise promise promise to post some pictures. I have been slacking in that department for a long while now and I'm sure some of you (wait...is anyone even checking my blog anymore?) are itching for a pic fix.

As for me? I'm here. I'm alive. Breathing. Going to school full-time and hanging on for dear life. It's crazy and beautiful, this life.

Life moves along...

at a pace that is so fast and at the same time so slow. I feel like I haven't had the time to breathe lately much less do anything else. Being a single mom is hard work. Two full-time jobs fill my days and nights with so many things to do...but I have to say that even though I'm relentlessly busy, I've never been happier. I absolutely love my job, the only thing that keeps me from truly looking forward to going each day is knowing I will be leaving my little angels. They are growing up so fast! Chloe is 5 1/2 and Jack just turned 3! I have no idea where those years went...they're just...gone. Flown past me.

My divorce will be final the end of May. Thankfully we have settled into a routine and a relationship that is conducive to co-parenting our kids. The anger is gone and we can finally see the person we were once such good friends with and the person we once fell in love with. A HUGE move for us especially considering we have FINALLY realized that no matter the love we may feel for each other, we can never be together as husband and wife. We don't mix well in that setting but we do make amazing friends and parents from different households. It's so sad at times to see him and know that the life I built around him is gone forever. I am so much happier but it has left an empty spot in my heart. We're both moving on, dating new people and striking out into the world as divorcees and single parents. A world so foreign to both of us and hard to swallow sometimes. I think (and know for me) that seeing one another spending time with a new person, filling in the spot we once occupied for one another, is fucking HARD. But for the best. He has become my best friend and I his. The "go-to" for each other and this role is what we were meant for. It just took years to realize that.

The future looks bright with promises of new experiences and happiness. Growing happy children and a life not being spent in unhappiness and misery.

Into the "World of Normal"

I found a job. An 8-5 or later Mon-Fri. I have submitted myself to the world of people that drive during rush hour and get a steady paycheck. No more bar tending, no more waiting tables...I am officially "IN".

I feel really strange about it considering I have always prided myself on walking to a different rhythm. I have had 9-5ers before but just for short periods of time and I never truly enjoyed it. I don't have much of a choice now since I am a single mother and my divorce will hopefully *crossing fingers* be final soon. I have to be the bread winner, the responsible mama. The mama responsible for it all. A daunting realization that has me literally shaking inside.

There are plenty of women, and men, that do this daily....weekly....monthly....yearly. I know it's possible. I also know it's going to be hard as hell.

Ah, I went back on my decree of no more heavy shit here. Oh well.

Change is in the Air

Back a few months ago during the changing of Summer into Fall, I was going through a lot of personal changes. It seemed so perfect for these changes in my life to be taking place at a time when the weather was changing, bringing cooler air and with it a rise in my spirit. Fall is my favorite time of year and it just felt so right to me.

I had no idea then that one huge change would be the harbinger of so many others. All of them very hard but all of them very good. In the midst of change, it can be very difficult to see the bright side. Even when you are the one that instigated it.

I recently decided the tone of this blog has gotten too heavy with my ranting and bitching about things happening these days so I have decided to start a new blog (I am keeping this one just starting the new one for the heavy stuff) to be kept private. A place for me to express my sadness, anger, depression etc.

I hope everyone is well and happy in the New Year. Much love and blessings to you all.

Baby Love

A picture of me just for shits and giggles. 20 some odd lbs lighter.

Jack and Saint Nick

Lovin' butt and Mr. Claus

Lovin' butt doing what she does best, being strange.

My school girl...she's growing up waaay to fast!

Random photos for everyone's enjoyment. Hurrah! I accomplished something on my blog besides bitching. Way to go me!!

Cold Turkey

So, I realize it's been quite a while since I've posted. I've just been in a very weird place personally and going through some changes. Some good. Some not so good...

Back in July I finally went to a Dr for a diagnosis and for some medication/therapy. The act of going alone was enough to bring me some relief and some hope for the future. I started meds first with therapy following a month later. Through these events I came to realize a number of things about my life and decided things needed to change. I left my husband and started working on myself from the inside out.

To make a long story short, I quit taking my medication a few days ago after realizing I was suffering from medication induced anorexia. I've lost more than 20lbs since I started taking them and am now wearing a size 1. Down from an 8 back in July.

Today I started noticing strange electric jolts running down my legs. It wasn't painful or really uncomfortable, just weird. It then started in my arms as well, eventually moving to my lips and my scalp. My brain started feeling very sluggish and the jolts became annoying coming to the point now where I feel like I'm crawling out my skin accompanied by full bodied jolts and extreme agitation.

Looking online, I found out I am having withdrawal symptoms from Zoloft and Vyvanse. Fucking beautiful.

Wishes, Hopes and Dreams

I have at last acknowledged that my marriage, after so many fights, so many separations and so very many unhappy days and nights, is finally over. There is a part of me saddened by this but really and truly, my overall feeling is relief. An end of misery for both of us....He has been just as unhappy and miserable as me. Finally we both have realized how toxic we are for each other. I'm sure there is someone out there equipped to deal with his issues just as there is someone out there equipped to deal with mine. We just weren't able to deal with each others. Incompatible I guess you could say.

***

I've wished so many times for a "partnership". I marriage where I'm not alone 99% of the time. One in which my "partner" helps me make a family, helps me make a home. I don't mean by impregnating me (almost any motherfucker out there could do that) or by just providing the financial means to have a roof over our heads...food to eat, etc. I mean someone who participates in our family. Someone that actually enjoys my company and someone that loves coming home to see the beautiful, smiling faces of my babies instead of running to the garage as fast as possible. Sometimes bypassing coming into the house at all to say hello. I love you. Anything at all. Instead of ignoring us, pretending we don't exist.

I want to eat dinner together, bathe the kids together. Have a date night that doesn't end in a fight. I want to be in love dammit! In love so passionately, so wholly and completely. Not just with that person but with our life together...

There have been countless times I have observed the relationships of my friends and felt jealousy. Envy...Knowing that my husband would never look at me like that. Never seek out my hand just to touch me. Never look in my eyes and simply fall. That I would never look into his eyes and simply...fall. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights wishing for this. Wanting it and needing it so badly.

I have to leave this now. It's too much. Too emotional and too sad.

Blinded by the light...

Or better yet, blinded by my desire for people to do as they say they will do, to be honorable, just and fair.

Listen, I DO realize that a lot of people are not like this and especially should know from past experience with certain people that I should be as guarded and mistrusting as possible. I just SO wanted to be civil. Unfortunately, I'm the only one in this who desires civility.

I don't want my sweet babes to be even more affected by this than they already have been. Even though she understands why, Chloe is still heartbroken by our split. And Jack? Poor baby...he doesn't have the comprehension skills yet to really get it. He's very angry with me and very confused by the circumstances. It kills me to see them both suffering this way, even though I know I'm doing the right thing for all of us. I wish there was a better way....

I can only hope for and work for peace and harmony in our lives. I know it will come....

Seperation Anxiety

So, it's been almost a month since the kids and I moved out of Bayes' house. I won't lie, it has been hard but certainly not as hard as being there with him was. I have seen a definite change for the better in Lil Miss. She has even stated a few times that she feels happier. That's really all the affirmation I need to know I made the right choice.

I know, I know....I have done this before. Left him with every intention of staying gone and ultimately been sucked back in to going to back to him. This time is different. I can't really explain why or what feelings are different this time except that every time in the past I have ad some lingering love/affection for him and hope that we could make it work. I am absolutely void of any of that this time. I knew that there would come a day when enough would simply be enough and my heart and head would reconcile their differences. That time came over a month ago. I had set a plan in motion to make it possible for us to leave but my plan required time. Come to find out, the last thing I had was time. I won't go into the gory details. While it is my story to tell, other people have been and could still be affected by the facts. Maybe some day I will feel comfortable putting it out there but that day is not today.

He has been pretty agreeable to the terms of divorce. Hell, he's been agreeable to the fact that we're getting a divorce at all and that is a huge change from the last time. I truly believe he realizes how unhealthy our relationship had become and how completely unhappy we were making each other. Some people simply don't meld well and it's nobodies fault. It's just a fact. He seems to be so much more at peace without me there. So much happier....

I know the 3 of us are feeling the change and it is so much better.

I will admit that I'm scared shitless to embark on this journey alone. Being a single parent doesn't appeal to me in the slightest but t really won't be much of a change as far as responsibilities go. I did the majority of everything involving parenting and housekeeping while we were together. The only real difference will be the financial aspect. I have to get a job and that means I will most likely have to put J Dog in daycare. Lil Miss's school has extended day but it only extends to 3:30 in the afternoon and any day job I get would most likely stretch well into the evening. I have a conundrum here. I have thought about working at night in a restaurant for now so I can still be home during the day with the babes but everything appears to be fully staffed. It's pretty rotten and very damn stressful.

I know I'm fully capable of doing this on my own. I am strong and smart. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends to support me and help me when I need it. The way they have rallied around the 3 of us in the last couple of months has been so refreshing. I feel incredibley blessed to have such amazing people in our lives.

On a somewhat different note;
Therapy and meds are going well. I actually start extensive pshyco-therapy this week to deal with past sexual abuse and family issues I seem to have buried for so many years. The damage caused by these events runs deep and I have been ignoring the scars for way too long. They have shaped my life and my decisions for far too long. I'm beyond ready to start the process of healing. I'm ready to feel whole and to be able to love the way I know love should be. I want to be capable of making good decisions for us and I haven't been capable of that for as long as I can remember.

I am getting back involved in church and it feels good to be a part of something like that again. It will be a slow, cautious process but i feel that I need that kind of fellowship and an outlet or a place to meet other people that can be uplifting for me and me for them. The babes really enjoy going as well and it gives me an opprtunity to meet other parents with kids the same age as mine. We all need that right now....

Just keep us in your thoughts. Send good juju our way...we for sure need it!

Mommy, I have a question.....

Chloe: Mommy, I have a big question....how do I put this....hmm. Well do you remember when I was borned?
Me: Of course I remember when you were born. That is one thing I am guaranteed to never forget.
Chloe: Um, well, this is going to be a long talk mom. Ok? You know babies...when they're in mommy's tummy's? And they cut the baby out of the mommy's tummy's?

I had to stop her there and explain that only sometimes they "cut the babies out". How graphic and weird is that?

Chloe: Where do, um, the babies go? You know after that?
Me: They come out into the world and to mommy's and daddy's house so we can love them and teach them.
Chloe: Well, what I'm trying to ask is, well, um, where are the babies before they go into your tummy? Where are they? I just don't know where they are first...you know?

At this point I was like, holy shit. I knew I was going to be splainin this soon enough but it was kinda unexpected.

Me: Ok, babe. Well moms have these things called eggs, not like chicken eggs, but super duper tiny little eggs that live in here (I showed her on my body) and dads have these little things that look like super tiny tadpoles. The little tadpoles and the little eggs come together and they make a baby. It starts out really small and it grows and grows for 9 months and when it's all ready...out comes the baby!
Chloe: Wow...I have to think about this. Can we talk about this some more some other time....?

She walks off and it's done. For now.

Just when...

I'm feeling like I can do this something happens and knocks the wind out of me. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Wish he could see what he's doing to me.

Looking Up

Things are definitely getting better! I've been organizing, cleaning, just being overall happier. It's been quite an experience.
There are some things going on in my personal life but I'm trying really hard to not let it affect my overall happiness. I tend to focus on my marriage problems to intensely and allow it to completely ruin me for long periods of time but I have decided I'm not going to let that happen this time. I refuse to let those issues set the tone for my days. If I can't do any more about it than I already am, I just won't hyperfocus on it.

On another note.
It's Chloe's 5th birthday today! Wow! I cannot believe she's 5 already...it's flown by so quickly.

She is the most amazing kid. So sweet and so loving. Becoming such a big girl! Man, it is CRAZY watching her grow up. I feel so blessed!

Happy Birthday baby girl!!

Ahem...

I wrote this extremely long post yesterday about everything that has been going on with me. It actually was quite a bit of history to explain what I'm about to reveal but before I was even half way done I was so emotionally and mentally wiped out that I couldn't finish. Now I'm just not sure I even post it. It's too personal. Too harsh. Simply put, it's just too much to put out there for the internet to see. I thought it might be therapeutic for me to write it all out and tell my story to you but I realized while it did make me feel better to get it down (some of it anyways) I didn't want everyone to know the places I've been.

The short short version is: I've been suffering from depression for a very long time. I've seen numerous therapists with no positive outcome so I had basically given up on any hope of living a "normal" life. Unfortunately, I have become completely incapable of functioning in any aspect of my life and decided it was time to be proactive. When I say incapable, I mean it. I couldn't do anything besides the simple life sustaining needs of my family. Everything else fell apart. Hell, some days I could barely move off of the couch.

I finally made an appointment to see a psychiatrist and went last Wednesday. After a battery of tests and many many questions I was diagnosed as being bi-polar with ADHD and situational depression (I also have high anxiety issues). I was kind of shocked at first (although my mom is convinced I've been ADHD since a young child and has recently been bringing me articles and emailing me stuff about adult ADD/ADHD in women, which DID make a lot of sense) but after doing tons of research and joining an ADD/ADHD forum I can finally see what has been going on all these years. It's like walking into the sunshine for the first time in your life.

I was prescribed Lamictal for mood stabilazation, Vyvanse, a brand new, ADHD medication and Zoloft for depression and anxiety. I had to quit taking the Lamictal for now because 3 drugs were just too much for my system and I was having adverse reactions taking all 3. I was started on 30mg of Vyvanse and 50mg of Zoloft but neither was a high enough dose as I metabolize things very quickly. I went back to see my Dr Monday and she upped the dose of Vyvanse to 60mg and the Zoloft to 100mg. I am experiencing a lot of anxiety with the Vyvanse but only when it's wearing off about 4-5 hours after taking it (it's advertised as being the only ADHD med that lasts 12 hours. Pshh. Bullshit.). She upped the dose thinking a higher dose would last longer and upped the Zoloft to further help with the "come down" anxiety. I did the upped dosages yesterday and still bottomed out at around noon with tons of anxiety. Let me tell you, the anxiety sucks ass. Chest tightness, hard time breathing, headaches. My Dr thinks that it wearing off so early in the day is "all in your head", that's what she said verbatim. I considered that and of course, having the world wide web at my fingertips, I did lots of research. It actually seems to be a big issue with a lot of people. Especially people who have a high tolerance to meds anyways and of course with people who metabolize things fast. I have both of those issues with medications. Always have. It has always at least 4 motrin for me, double the usual strength for any presription pain killer. Hell, I took a bottle of 75 Tylenol PM once and didn't die (not making light of that, I promise....just proving a point). I'm concerned that she isn't going to help with this because she doesn't believe me and every step forward I've made this week will be in vain. There are people on the forum I joined who take afternoon boosters to get them through the afternoon and evening and I think that may be the right path for me because as it stands right now, I'm complete shit by 5 and that's when it gets hectic around here.

I go back to see her next Wednesday and I hope she can be more open minded with me then. I need for her to work with me until we get this right. I do not want to go back to the way it was. Ever again.

After taking the Vyvanse and Zoloft for a full week I can say I DO feel better. My focus is definitely sharper when the Vyvanse is in effect and the Zoloft has helped with some anxiety. I'm interested to see what will happen when we add the Lamictal (mood stabilizer) back into the mix. FYI I am not relying on only the meds to make a change. I realize that the change needs to come from me and I have added some different things to supplement myself physically while the meds supplement me mentally.
1) I am no longer drinking. I actually hace NO desire to drink whatsoever. This is a huge change for me seeing that I did want to drink every day. I thought last night a beer might be good. I opened it, took a few sips and thought "why in the hell did I open this? I don't want/need this!" Which is amazing but I did read that once you get on meds that can work for you self-medicating becomes a thing of the past.
2) Exercising. It helps raise endorphin levels that can make you feel euphoric and we all need some euphoria. Right?
3) Diet changes. I eat pretty healthy anyways but there are certain foods that help with the effectiveness of the meds. I have noticed thought that the ADHD (a stimulant) curbs my appetite a lot and I have to make concerted effort to eat every day. It seems to work best when I eat 5-6 very small meals consisting of protein, carbs and veggies. I've been drinking Slim Fast shakes in the AM for the protein, peanut butter and carrots and stuff.
(Shit, I'm totally rambling! Sorry!)
Last but not least, Structuring my day. Creating a schedule for myself is something I have never really been able to do and the last few days has been pretty easy. It keeps me motivated and moving to look at a list of things to do. I feel so good when I can cross them off. That wasn't even remotely possible last week.
Now I just need to make myself set an exact time for the computer!! It seems these drugs make me hyperfocus on one thing at a time, which is what they are supposed to do so I can accomplish things without my mind racing and getting completely overwhelmed.

Okay enough for now. The post I wanted to be short and sweet has dragged on.

Love to all!

Update

Hello to all! I am alive and well.....well, I am alive.

I realize it's been FOREVER since I've posted anything here. I've been going through a lot of shit and am just starting to feel like I'm going to be okay. I don't feel like going into all of it right now but I will very soon. It's been pretty hardcore for me emotionally and physically but there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel now.

Love to all!

Wish you could see...

how unbelievably adorable my toothless son is right now. He has an empty tic tac container filled with pretzel pieces (that he broke up and put in himself). He has this little box in his pocket and he keeps coming up to me with this earnest, beautiful face telling me I can have ONE more tit tat, mama. As he digs in his pocket with pudgy fingers, opens it up, taps one out and feeds me.

It's stuff like this...the sweet thoughtful gestures they make for me daily that makes it all so worth while. Oh...and his toes are painted dark purple! Hehe!!

Yes I Am

The title to this post has absolutely nothing to do with the body. I just wanted to say that....

It's so fucking hot here! It's too hot to do much of anything outdoors so we're stuck inside entertaining ourselves...it's even too hot to swim. Bella will only stay out long enough to pee and poop. She won't play outside at all. I've tried taking the kids out to play but after 5 minutes I'm drenched in sweat and in need of another shower. Never mind the hordes of mosquitos that attack like the fucking plague! Bug spray makes my skin burn...I don't really feel comfortable covering my kids in it.

Also, my son may be a sadomasochist. (As my brother so lovingly pointed out this afternoon.) Good for him? I may need help in the coming, oh say, 10-15 years to get through the inevitable broken bones and god only knows what else kind of injuries he will sustain!

What the fuck?!

I swear I need to change the name of this blog to Danger In the Life of a Two Year Old.

This week, unfortunately, isn't looking much brighter than last week. Another old friend of mine died in a car accident this past Friday. He crashed into a tree and died upon impact. His car exploded and his body was burnt beyond recognition and there wasn't even a casket at the viewing. I grew up with this guy....Known him for almost 20 years. His girlfriend survived the accident somehow but she has 3rd degree burns on most of her body. They are going to be amputating both legs and an arm if they can get her past the other injuries. She has 3 children. His mom and mine have been really great friends for so long....He took me to prom! Man...

Also, to add to Jack's knocked out tooth ( a week ago today), he was pushing his truck around today, slipped and face planted on it. Apparently his tongue was sticking out and he bit down on it, slicing it open very bad. Very deep. There's nothing you can do for mouth injuries like this. No stitches or anything so we have another week or more of a soft diet and I WILL be losing my mind sometime today or tomorrow. FUCK!!!!!

On the brighter side, his gums are healing nicely. The wound on his gum is no longer pussy and we missed having an infection..yay! His other tooth is still a wee bit loose but it is getting tighter so we may not lose it after all.

Baye has been making fun of me for being so over-protective with him. (I always have been because he's always doing some kind of crazy shit, we've just been able to avoid major major wounds until now. ) Telling me shit like "you're gonna have him in a helmut soon!" "relax, Summer! It's gonna be ok!" "Oh no Jack, mom's getting freaked out again!" I told him after this happened today that if he makes any snide remarks to or around me about me being super protective, I am going to knock the living shit out of his face. I mean it. I'm just not one of those freaky ass mom's that wig about every little thing. I usually don't give much merit to boo boos. My usual motto is, "are you bleeding? A bone pertruding? Large knot on your head...dizzy? Faint? Good. You'll live...shake it off."

God, I'm going fucking crazy.

Tell me if this hurts....

We had an extremely traumatic day here Tuesday. An old old friend of mine passed away Thursday and I attended the funeral Tuesday morning. Funerals are always such sad affairs but when it's for someone so young....it's devastating. My friend Ricky was only 27 yrs old and he left behind a wife and 2 yr old son. I can't imagine being the wife...nor can I imagine being the parent that has to bury a child. No matter that the child is an adult. It's not right.

After the funeral, I went out to my brother's house for a visit. Everything was going great until about 8:30 pm....when Jack was running through the house, tripped and hit his mouth on the lower rung of a massage chair. He knocked one of his top front teeth out. Yes, completely out. It ripped out of the front of his gum. Root and all. Well, the root coming out as well was actually a blessing. The dentist said if it had just broken and left the root in they would have had to put him asleep to surgically remove the root. So my little baby is missing a front tooth at 2 yrs old.

I'm gonna some post some pictures of his toothless grin here in a few days. And tell a better story but I am so emotionally exhausted from this and he hasn't been sleeping because it hurts so I haven't been sleeping....so tired.