You Say You Want the Truth but can You Handle it?

We, in Echt-land, have found ourselves in the crosshairs of step-parenting hell. A subject that no one really seems to tell the truth about but maybe more people should....because easy? It's not. Gut wrenching, heartbreaking, stressful? Yes. Yes and a gazillion more yesses. Oh my God, yes!

The blending of two families is very similar (in my mind) to putting together a 40,000 piece puzzle that has to fit in 1 square foot. A very tiny, very intricate, very very delicate puzzle except with a puzzle you can walk away when you get frustrated and come back when you're ready for some more. With a family, there is no walking away...walking away signifies giving up and I'm not giving up. I do feel as though I am knees and elbows deep most of the time, ass deep often and barely able to keep my head up and out of the politics of the my kid, your kid, this kid, that kid, you, you, you blame game. Fingers accusingly pointing everywhere but inward to our own hearts. You might not like what you see if you start digging around in there....I will tell you that from any viewpoint, it isn't a pretty sight.

I could say that I have a leg up on a lot of people when it comes to blended families since I was raised in one and practice I do have. From the childs perspective not from the parents. I know as a child, it is fucking hard...it's hard to trust, it's hard to believe, it's hard to relax within it and I know it takes years sometimes before you are comfortable with the fact that this other person posing as a parent is here to stay. That they aren't leaving you and it's ok to fall head over heels in love with them. I stand in a different position now. I am the parent and the OTHER person posing as a parent. I am the one that took daddy away in a sense. I am the imposter, the intruder, the evil-doer. The reason, in her mind, that her mom and dad aren't together.

I am also the glue holding everything together. The shaky, unsure hands supporting a very unstable foundation hoping and praying that it doesn't all come crashing down around me. Do I need help? Hell yes I need help but the really ugly truth here is that my husband is of the "what's yours is yours, what's mine is yours but what's yours is definitely NOT mine" mentality. Really cool, huh? Yeah, I think so too. It's really hard to be nice when you can barely look at your love anymore because resentment is so fucking thick you need an electric carving knife to get through it.

So, where do we go and what do we do? No one is going to win this way, least of all our babies. Are we giving up? Hell no but we can't continue wading through this cesspool of anger, disgust and resentment much longer.

Not For the Faint of Heart

When I was pregnant with Chloe, 8 years ago, my mom told me parenting isn't for the faint of heart. At the time I had no clue what she was talking about. In fact, I probably thought something along of lines of, pregnancy isn't for the faint of heart...well mom, you can now do your happy "I told you so" dance because, I GET IT. Ok? I freakin get it.
The newborn days? Exhausting, seemingly endless hours filled with poop and puke and more poop and more puke and no sleep and days without a shower was doable.
The first months of, oh shits and fuck mes', of mobility because hey you thought you had the house baby proofed but, um, you SO had no clue what you were doing? Totally doable.
The terrible two's? Check.
Tyrannical threes? Check
This age? This I'm almost 8 going on 16 age? Holy shit. I'm at a loss here....she has turned into a highly emotional, trigger happy, overly dramatic medium sized demon child that screams at me "you never listen to me!" I really try honey but honestly I don't really understand what you're saying. It sounds like some strange mythical language made up by J.R.R. Tolkien on a serious meth bender. Also my little love? Also? I kind of don't want to listen to you when you're being nasty and insulting me. So yes, you can sit on your bed and write in your diary about how absolutely terrible I am as long as you leave me alone for 10 minutes to reevaluate my life after your latest emotional dagger throwing escapade.
While we're at it, can I ask a question and get an answer without eye rolling and snarls? What exactly happens in the bathroom? Why does it take 30 minutes to brush your teeth? And how does toothpaste end up everywhere? It's confusing and infuriating and it happens EVERYDAY. Everyday.
Listen. I adore my daughter. I really really truly do. I also really really truly wish she would take it easy on me sometimes. It gets exhausting sometimes holding my breath waiting for the next landslide.

A Little Unmotivated

I have been having trouble motivating myself to blog lately. My brain has been completely wrapped up with lists of things to do daily with this pregnancy.....I didn't realize going with a midwife left a lot of the footwork to me. Getting past medical records, setting up bloodwork, sonograms etc....plus she has me eating 2500 calories a day which I have to keep track of for her, writing everything I eat down with calorie and protein amounts. I have to order this special herbal tea and drink a quart a day plus a slew of other vitamins. It's mentally exhausting trying to get everything done. It's impossible to eat as much as she is demanding me to and it's absolutely impossible for me to keep track of it all especially when my life right now revolves around a very unruly, very large dog and a brand new puupy all while trying not to throw up on everything. To say the least, I'm overwhelmed and accomplishing nothing. I'm frustrated and lets face it...I'm simply not equipped to deal with too many things at once. I can't prioritize. I can't organize. So, I get upset and get nothing done. WHEW!! I have however managed to watch a few days of Americas Next Top Model marathons. Not very productive and seeing those anorexic bitches parade around in skinny jeans makes me feel like a fat ass which is just freakin awesome!

On the flip side I'm thinking my belly is cute.

This is a picture I drew for Lil Miss last week. I think it's kind of pretty....

I'm going to go attempt being productive for a while. Here's to hoping I can get something accomplished!!

A List of Things To Make Me Smile

because I deserve to smile today dammit. And because my hormones need to be reminded that the emotions that cause smiling and laughter are ok too...

1) My beds super soft roundness and fluff that swallows me every time I lay down.

2) The sweet sound of Jacks laugh when I give him dozens of air kisses.

3) Chloe singing made up songs all day every day.

4) Coffee in the morning

5) The smell of Phillips skin

6) Being able to smell Phillips skin in the sheets of my fluffy bed hours after he has gotten up.

7) Coffee in the afternoon.

8) Talking to my mom everyday.

9) M&M's

10) Chocolate in general.

11) Most especially chocolate in my coffee.

12) Snuggling with my favorite people.

13) Movies on rainy days.

14) Coffee.....coffee.....coffee

-Summer

TMI

I have to admit to something slightly disturbing but insanely funny....ready?

Anytime I cough, sneeze or even laugh really hard I pee myself just a little so it seems I have started holding my crotch everytime this happens. I realized I do this yesterday when I stopped walking dead in my tracks to "hold" myself while I coughed. I guess that's what giving birth to two kids and being pregnant with your third does to you!

On a different note, I think I'm going to post weekly belly pictures.

Nothing major yet. Just a little roundness that makes me look bloated but I'm pretty sure it won't take long to really see some baby belly. I'm looking forward to having a super round, sexy baby belly!

  

The last couple weeks at a glance....

We've had quite a bit going on the past two weekends. This past weekend Phillips parents and his daughter came up for a visit. We had a surprise party for his grandmas 70th birthday. We also celebrated his birthday and his uncles birthday. We got to meet his brothers new girlfriend and her two kids....his parents get a kick out of how big their family is getting and how fast it's getting there!





We were able to share some exciting news with his side of the family!

That's right everyone! We are having a baby!!

Leilani playing with her daddy-o.

The weekend was a blast!

Chloe, Leilani and Chloes friend Kaylan playing dress-up in my summer dresses.

The weekend before, my parents were here for a visit. I feel so lucky that we are close enough our families can drive up for a weekend trip. Unfortunately I didn;t take any pictures when they were here...I know! I suck!!

In the midst of all this excitement, I am exhausted, cranky, completely exhausted and overwhelmed with thoughts of a new baby coming into our lives....We feel so blessed to be given this gift. As Phillip calls it, our "love child"! I love this man!!

Leilani Love

A year ago, I had my two children and my heart was full. I didn't think I wanted any more kids...I was good, In fact, I was perfect. Complete. Or so I thought. Then I met and fell in love with a man that had a child of his own. Actually I'm pretty sure I fell in love with them both at the same time. You see the first weekend Phillip and I spent together was his weekend with her. I was so wary at first to get involved with a man that had a child. I dated other men with kids and ended up liking the kids so much better than I ever liked their dads and when we inevitably stopped seeing each other, I missed the kids and felt horrible about getting to know them and then having to walk away. I didn't want that to happen again but the pull of Phillip, his magnetism, his effect on me made me throw all caution to the wind. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made...

She was sleeping when he got her to his house that Friday night but when I saw her sweet sleeping face I physically felt my heart expand. I just knew...this little girl was already a part of me. She was meant to be a part of my family just as much as Chloe and Jack were meant to be mine. I had heard about that connection happening with adoptive parents but I was skeptical and then this angel fell into my life. I was in love. I can't really tell you what we did that weekend besides snuggle on the couch with her and read her books. I think I read the same three books dozens of times apiece. She would crawl into my lap with her arms overflowing with books and ask for me to read them again and again. I was more than happy to oblige.

We worked it out so his weekends with her coincided with the weekends I had my two. We decided that having the three of them together felt so right. They got along so well, hell they even looked alike! It was strange and good...Chloe and Jack called her their sister the first weekend they spent together. She called Chloe sissy and Jack her brudder Dack. Our babies...our family.

                                                          I love this picture of her being silly

                                                                         The girls

                                                          Three little loves at Oma & Opas
                                                               (Phillips parents)

                                                            She is just so beautiful!
                                    This was taken before Phillip and I met but I love this picture of her.

                                  This was taken before we met as well I just love the picture though!
                                                         Such a sweet baby girl.

Even before Phillip and I got married, if someone asked us separately or when we were together how many kids we had, we always said three because really and truly she belongs to me and mine belong to him. I'm not trying to take her moms place nor is he trying to take their dads place, those spots are filled but we are extensions of each other and love these little beings with our whole hearts. We are so blessed to have so much love.

Hello World...

I think I may be back for good. Back to my trusty ol' blog after a not so brief hiatus. I only hope I can reforge some of the relationships on here that I've left standing without any attention for so long...So in that spirit, Hello again!

It's 6:30am here in the mountains of Alabama and the sun is just starting to creep up behind these gray, heavy snow clouds. Everyone is still asleep except me and Rusty dog. He's always the one to wake up with me and sit close to me while I drink my coffee and contemplate my day, or life....this morning we're looking out at our snow covered yard as we sit by the crackling heater waiting for our people to shake the sleep from their eyes. Honestly, I think he's just waiting for me to cave and feed him a biscuit.

I really enjoy this time of the morning when I'm the only one awake. I can think and dream with the only distraction being a cold, wet nose nudging under my hand and into my lap for some scratches behind the ears and sweet slobbery kisses. I have to admit my life is damn good. I have finally found the peaceful existence I looked so long and so hard for. The place where I don't have to worry...where love is so abundant you can taste it in the air around us. I have found my fairytale. When I take this out to examine it, I am in AWE of the life I get to live now.

I hear people stirring....Rusty has gotten bored of it being just the two of us and he's making his rounds, waking people (and Bella dog) up with big kisses. Time to get up!

I will be back very very soon. I promise.

- Summer

WOW!

Has it really been 6 months since my last post?! What in the hell is that all about? Oh yeah...I've been super busy. This site was initially started as a means to keep in touch with friends and family living far away and evolved into a personal kind of online diary/memory keeper etc...I guess I just grew out of it for a while and on a whim, decided to look at it tonight.

I have so much to say. SO much has happened but I have no clue where to begin...Maybe I'll take some time to think about it and come back later to "blog" about it!

Peace

Gone for so long

It's not that I have had nothing to say, nothing going on...I just haven't felt like saying it, writing it, typing it. Whatever. I've been super busy and even more crazy than usual...haha! So, I'll try to play a little catch up before my mind wanders and I get bored.

The kids? Holy cow! They're frickin huge!! Miss Priss turned 6 on the 30th. SIX!! My baby girl is a sassy assed school aged princess that in her very own words "is so super smart. Wanna know why? Cuz my brain is big. Yep. Wanna know why my brain is big? Cuz I'm super smart." Yeah, her mommy made her that way and can I say how amazingly proud I am of her? She will tell you in a heartbeat that it's waaaay better and waaaay cooler to be smart than pretty. Yup yup. THAT makes my heart swell with pride. Plus she really is super smart.

Jack is beyond incredible. Has a vocabulary that rivals a lot of adults. He uses discombobulated in correct context. Who the hell is this kid? He can take all kinds of things apart and put them back together again. Correctly. I can't even do that. He's nearly 4! and I am blown away almost daily by his sweet spirit and the love he gives me. His big boy independence with his hand touching mine just to be sure it's going to be ok.

Man, I love these kids. I promise promise promise to post some pictures. I have been slacking in that department for a long while now and I'm sure some of you (wait...is anyone even checking my blog anymore?) are itching for a pic fix.

As for me? I'm here. I'm alive. Breathing. Going to school full-time and hanging on for dear life. It's crazy and beautiful, this life.

Life moves along...

at a pace that is so fast and at the same time so slow. I feel like I haven't had the time to breathe lately much less do anything else. Being a single mom is hard work. Two full-time jobs fill my days and nights with so many things to do...but I have to say that even though I'm relentlessly busy, I've never been happier. I absolutely love my job, the only thing that keeps me from truly looking forward to going each day is knowing I will be leaving my little angels. They are growing up so fast! Chloe is 5 1/2 and Jack just turned 3! I have no idea where those years went...they're just...gone. Flown past me.

My divorce will be final the end of May. Thankfully we have settled into a routine and a relationship that is conducive to co-parenting our kids. The anger is gone and we can finally see the person we were once such good friends with and the person we once fell in love with. A HUGE move for us especially considering we have FINALLY realized that no matter the love we may feel for each other, we can never be together as husband and wife. We don't mix well in that setting but we do make amazing friends and parents from different households. It's so sad at times to see him and know that the life I built around him is gone forever. I am so much happier but it has left an empty spot in my heart. We're both moving on, dating new people and striking out into the world as divorcees and single parents. A world so foreign to both of us and hard to swallow sometimes. I think (and know for me) that seeing one another spending time with a new person, filling in the spot we once occupied for one another, is fucking HARD. But for the best. He has become my best friend and I his. The "go-to" for each other and this role is what we were meant for. It just took years to realize that.

The future looks bright with promises of new experiences and happiness. Growing happy children and a life not being spent in unhappiness and misery.

Into the "World of Normal"

I found a job. An 8-5 or later Mon-Fri. I have submitted myself to the world of people that drive during rush hour and get a steady paycheck. No more bar tending, no more waiting tables...I am officially "IN".

I feel really strange about it considering I have always prided myself on walking to a different rhythm. I have had 9-5ers before but just for short periods of time and I never truly enjoyed it. I don't have much of a choice now since I am a single mother and my divorce will hopefully *crossing fingers* be final soon. I have to be the bread winner, the responsible mama. The mama responsible for it all. A daunting realization that has me literally shaking inside.

There are plenty of women, and men, that do this daily....weekly....monthly....yearly. I know it's possible. I also know it's going to be hard as hell.

Ah, I went back on my decree of no more heavy shit here. Oh well.

Change is in the Air

Back a few months ago during the changing of Summer into Fall, I was going through a lot of personal changes. It seemed so perfect for these changes in my life to be taking place at a time when the weather was changing, bringing cooler air and with it a rise in my spirit. Fall is my favorite time of year and it just felt so right to me.

I had no idea then that one huge change would be the harbinger of so many others. All of them very hard but all of them very good. In the midst of change, it can be very difficult to see the bright side. Even when you are the one that instigated it.

I recently decided the tone of this blog has gotten too heavy with my ranting and bitching about things happening these days so I have decided to start a new blog (I am keeping this one just starting the new one for the heavy stuff) to be kept private. A place for me to express my sadness, anger, depression etc.

I hope everyone is well and happy in the New Year. Much love and blessings to you all.

Baby Love

A picture of me just for shits and giggles. 20 some odd lbs lighter.

Jack and Saint Nick

Lovin' butt and Mr. Claus

Lovin' butt doing what she does best, being strange.

My school girl...she's growing up waaay to fast!

Random photos for everyone's enjoyment. Hurrah! I accomplished something on my blog besides bitching. Way to go me!!

Cold Turkey

So, I realize it's been quite a while since I've posted. I've just been in a very weird place personally and going through some changes. Some good. Some not so good...

Back in July I finally went to a Dr for a diagnosis and for some medication/therapy. The act of going alone was enough to bring me some relief and some hope for the future. I started meds first with therapy following a month later. Through these events I came to realize a number of things about my life and decided things needed to change. I left my husband and started working on myself from the inside out.

To make a long story short, I quit taking my medication a few days ago after realizing I was suffering from medication induced anorexia. I've lost more than 20lbs since I started taking them and am now wearing a size 1. Down from an 8 back in July.

Today I started noticing strange electric jolts running down my legs. It wasn't painful or really uncomfortable, just weird. It then started in my arms as well, eventually moving to my lips and my scalp. My brain started feeling very sluggish and the jolts became annoying coming to the point now where I feel like I'm crawling out my skin accompanied by full bodied jolts and extreme agitation.

Looking online, I found out I am having withdrawal symptoms from Zoloft and Vyvanse. Fucking beautiful.

Wishes, Hopes and Dreams

I have at last acknowledged that my marriage, after so many fights, so many separations and so very many unhappy days and nights, is finally over. There is a part of me saddened by this but really and truly, my overall feeling is relief. An end of misery for both of us....He has been just as unhappy and miserable as me. Finally we both have realized how toxic we are for each other. I'm sure there is someone out there equipped to deal with his issues just as there is someone out there equipped to deal with mine. We just weren't able to deal with each others. Incompatible I guess you could say.

***

I've wished so many times for a "partnership". I marriage where I'm not alone 99% of the time. One in which my "partner" helps me make a family, helps me make a home. I don't mean by impregnating me (almost any motherfucker out there could do that) or by just providing the financial means to have a roof over our heads...food to eat, etc. I mean someone who participates in our family. Someone that actually enjoys my company and someone that loves coming home to see the beautiful, smiling faces of my babies instead of running to the garage as fast as possible. Sometimes bypassing coming into the house at all to say hello. I love you. Anything at all. Instead of ignoring us, pretending we don't exist.

I want to eat dinner together, bathe the kids together. Have a date night that doesn't end in a fight. I want to be in love dammit! In love so passionately, so wholly and completely. Not just with that person but with our life together...

There have been countless times I have observed the relationships of my friends and felt jealousy. Envy...Knowing that my husband would never look at me like that. Never seek out my hand just to touch me. Never look in my eyes and simply fall. That I would never look into his eyes and simply...fall. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights wishing for this. Wanting it and needing it so badly.

I have to leave this now. It's too much. Too emotional and too sad.

Blinded by the light...

Or better yet, blinded by my desire for people to do as they say they will do, to be honorable, just and fair.

Listen, I DO realize that a lot of people are not like this and especially should know from past experience with certain people that I should be as guarded and mistrusting as possible. I just SO wanted to be civil. Unfortunately, I'm the only one in this who desires civility.

I don't want my sweet babes to be even more affected by this than they already have been. Even though she understands why, Chloe is still heartbroken by our split. And Jack? Poor baby...he doesn't have the comprehension skills yet to really get it. He's very angry with me and very confused by the circumstances. It kills me to see them both suffering this way, even though I know I'm doing the right thing for all of us. I wish there was a better way....

I can only hope for and work for peace and harmony in our lives. I know it will come....

Seperation Anxiety

So, it's been almost a month since the kids and I moved out of Bayes' house. I won't lie, it has been hard but certainly not as hard as being there with him was. I have seen a definite change for the better in Lil Miss. She has even stated a few times that she feels happier. That's really all the affirmation I need to know I made the right choice.

I know, I know....I have done this before. Left him with every intention of staying gone and ultimately been sucked back in to going to back to him. This time is different. I can't really explain why or what feelings are different this time except that every time in the past I have ad some lingering love/affection for him and hope that we could make it work. I am absolutely void of any of that this time. I knew that there would come a day when enough would simply be enough and my heart and head would reconcile their differences. That time came over a month ago. I had set a plan in motion to make it possible for us to leave but my plan required time. Come to find out, the last thing I had was time. I won't go into the gory details. While it is my story to tell, other people have been and could still be affected by the facts. Maybe some day I will feel comfortable putting it out there but that day is not today.

He has been pretty agreeable to the terms of divorce. Hell, he's been agreeable to the fact that we're getting a divorce at all and that is a huge change from the last time. I truly believe he realizes how unhealthy our relationship had become and how completely unhappy we were making each other. Some people simply don't meld well and it's nobodies fault. It's just a fact. He seems to be so much more at peace without me there. So much happier....

I know the 3 of us are feeling the change and it is so much better.

I will admit that I'm scared shitless to embark on this journey alone. Being a single parent doesn't appeal to me in the slightest but t really won't be much of a change as far as responsibilities go. I did the majority of everything involving parenting and housekeeping while we were together. The only real difference will be the financial aspect. I have to get a job and that means I will most likely have to put J Dog in daycare. Lil Miss's school has extended day but it only extends to 3:30 in the afternoon and any day job I get would most likely stretch well into the evening. I have a conundrum here. I have thought about working at night in a restaurant for now so I can still be home during the day with the babes but everything appears to be fully staffed. It's pretty rotten and very damn stressful.

I know I'm fully capable of doing this on my own. I am strong and smart. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends to support me and help me when I need it. The way they have rallied around the 3 of us in the last couple of months has been so refreshing. I feel incredibley blessed to have such amazing people in our lives.

On a somewhat different note;
Therapy and meds are going well. I actually start extensive pshyco-therapy this week to deal with past sexual abuse and family issues I seem to have buried for so many years. The damage caused by these events runs deep and I have been ignoring the scars for way too long. They have shaped my life and my decisions for far too long. I'm beyond ready to start the process of healing. I'm ready to feel whole and to be able to love the way I know love should be. I want to be capable of making good decisions for us and I haven't been capable of that for as long as I can remember.

I am getting back involved in church and it feels good to be a part of something like that again. It will be a slow, cautious process but i feel that I need that kind of fellowship and an outlet or a place to meet other people that can be uplifting for me and me for them. The babes really enjoy going as well and it gives me an opprtunity to meet other parents with kids the same age as mine. We all need that right now....

Just keep us in your thoughts. Send good juju our way...we for sure need it!

Mommy, I have a question.....

Chloe: Mommy, I have a big question....how do I put this....hmm. Well do you remember when I was borned?
Me: Of course I remember when you were born. That is one thing I am guaranteed to never forget.
Chloe: Um, well, this is going to be a long talk mom. Ok? You know babies...when they're in mommy's tummy's? And they cut the baby out of the mommy's tummy's?

I had to stop her there and explain that only sometimes they "cut the babies out". How graphic and weird is that?

Chloe: Where do, um, the babies go? You know after that?
Me: They come out into the world and to mommy's and daddy's house so we can love them and teach them.
Chloe: Well, what I'm trying to ask is, well, um, where are the babies before they go into your tummy? Where are they? I just don't know where they are first...you know?

At this point I was like, holy shit. I knew I was going to be splainin this soon enough but it was kinda unexpected.

Me: Ok, babe. Well moms have these things called eggs, not like chicken eggs, but super duper tiny little eggs that live in here (I showed her on my body) and dads have these little things that look like super tiny tadpoles. The little tadpoles and the little eggs come together and they make a baby. It starts out really small and it grows and grows for 9 months and when it's all ready...out comes the baby!
Chloe: Wow...I have to think about this. Can we talk about this some more some other time....?

She walks off and it's done. For now.

Just when...

I'm feeling like I can do this something happens and knocks the wind out of me. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Wish he could see what he's doing to me.