Woman on the Verge

You Say You Want the Truth but can You Handle it?

2011-06-01T07:46:00.000-05:00

We, in Echt-land, have found ourselves in the crosshairs of step-parenting hell. A subject that no one really seems to tell the truth about but maybe more people should....because easy? It's not. Gut wrenching, heartbreaking, stressful? Yes. Yes and a gazillion more yesses. Oh my God, yes!

The blending of two families is very similar (in my mind) to putting together a 40,000 piece puzzle that has to fit in 1 square foot. A very tiny, very intricate, very very delicate puzzle except with a puzzle you can walk away when you get frustrated and come back when you're ready for some more. With a family, there is no walking away...walking away signifies giving up and I'm not giving up. I do feel as though I am knees and elbows deep most of the time, ass deep often and barely able to keep my head up and out of the politics of the my kid, your kid, this kid, that kid, you, you, you blame game. Fingers accusingly pointing everywhere but inward to our own hearts. You might not like what you see if you start digging around in there....I will tell you that from any viewpoint, it isn't a pretty sight.

I could say that I have a leg up on a lot of people when it comes to blended families since I was raised in one and practice I do have. From the childs perspective not from the parents. I know as a child, it is fucking hard...it's hard to trust, it's hard to believe, it's hard to relax within it and I know it takes years sometimes before you are comfortable with the fact that this other person posing as a parent is here to stay. That they aren't leaving you and it's ok to fall head over heels in love with them. I stand in a different position now. I am the parent and the OTHER person posing as a parent. I am the one that took daddy away in a sense. I am the imposter, the intruder, the evil-doer. The reason, in her mind, that her mom and dad aren't together.

I am also the glue holding everything together. The shaky, unsure hands supporting a very unstable foundation hoping and praying that it doesn't all come crashing down around me. Do I need help? Hell yes I need help but the really ugly truth here is that my husband is of the "what's yours is yours, what's mine is yours but what's yours is definitely NOT mine" mentality. Really cool, huh? Yeah, I think so too. It's really hard to be nice when you can barely look at your love anymore because resentment is so fucking thick you need an electric carving knife to get through it.

So, where do we go and what do we do? No one is going to win this way, least of all our babies. Are we giving up? Hell no but we can't continue wading through this cesspool of anger, disgust and resentment much longer.

Not For the Faint of Heart

2011-04-25T17:16:00.000-05:00

When I was pregnant with Chloe, 8 years ago, my mom told me parenting isn't for the faint of heart. At the time I had no clue what she was talking about. In fact, I probably thought something along of lines of, pregnancy isn't for the faint of heart...well mom, you can now do your happy "I told you so" dance because, I GET IT. Ok? I freakin get it.
The newborn days? Exhausting, seemingly endless hours filled with poop and puke and more poop and more puke and no sleep and days without a shower was doable.
The first months of, oh shits and fuck mes', of mobility because hey you thought you had the house baby proofed but, um, you SO had no clue what you were doing? Totally doable.
The terrible two's? Check.
Tyrannical threes? Check
This age? This I'm almost 8 going on 16 age? Holy shit. I'm at a loss here....she has turned into a highly emotional, trigger happy, overly dramatic medium sized demon child that screams at me "you never listen to me!" I really try honey but honestly I don't really understand what you're saying. It sounds like some strange mythical language made up by J.R.R. Tolkien on a serious meth bender. Also my little love? Also? I kind of don't want to listen to you when you're being nasty and insulting me. So yes, you can sit on your bed and write in your diary about how absolutely terrible I am as long as you leave me alone for 10 minutes to reevaluate my life after your latest emotional dagger throwing escapade.
While we're at it, can I ask a question and get an answer without eye rolling and snarls? What exactly happens in the bathroom? Why does it take 30 minutes to brush your teeth? And how does toothpaste end up everywhere? It's confusing and infuriating and it happens EVERYDAY. Everyday.
Listen. I adore my daughter. I really really truly do. I also really really truly wish she would take it easy on me sometimes. It gets exhausting sometimes holding my breath waiting for the next landslide.

A Little Unmotivated

2011-02-09T12:05:00.000-05:00

I have been having trouble motivating myself to blog lately. My brain has been completely wrapped up with lists of things to do daily with this pregnancy.....I didn't realize going with a midwife left a lot of the footwork to me. Getting past medical records, setting up bloodwork, sonograms etc....plus she has me eating 2500 calories a day which I have to keep track of for her, writing everything I eat down with calorie and protein amounts. I have to order this special herbal tea and drink a quart a day plus a slew of other vitamins. It's mentally exhausting trying to get everything done. It's impossible to eat as much as she is demanding me to and it's absolutely impossible for me to keep track of it all especially when my life right now revolves around a very unruly, very large dog and a brand new puupy all while trying not to throw up on everything. To say the least, I'm overwhelmed and accomplishing nothing. I'm frustrated and lets face it...I'm simply not equipped to deal with too many things at once. I can't prioritize. I can't organize. So, I get upset and get nothing done. WHEW!! I have however managed to watch a few days of Americas Next Top Model marathons. Not very productive and seeing those anorexic bitches parade around in skinny jeans makes me feel like a fat ass which is just freakin awesome!

On the flip side I'm thinking my belly is cute.

This is a picture I drew for Lil Miss last week. I think it's kind of pretty....

I'm going to go attempt being productive for a while. Here's to hoping I can get something accomplished!!

A List of Things To Make Me Smile

2011-01-31T12:45:00.000-05:00

because I deserve to smile today dammit. And because my hormones need to be reminded that the emotions that cause smiling and laughter are ok too...

1) My beds super soft roundness and fluff that swallows me every time I lay down.

2) The sweet sound of Jacks laugh when I give him dozens of air kisses.

3) Chloe singing made up songs all day every day.

4) Coffee in the morning

5) The smell of Phillips skin

6) Being able to smell Phillips skin in the sheets of my fluffy bed hours after he has gotten up.

7) Coffee in the afternoon.

8) Talking to my mom everyday.

9) M&M's

10) Chocolate in general.

11) Most especially chocolate in my coffee.

12) Snuggling with my favorite people.

13) Movies on rainy days.

14) Coffee.....coffee.....coffee

-Summer

TMI

2011-01-27T14:37:00.000-05:00

I have to admit to something slightly disturbing but insanely funny....ready?

Anytime I cough, sneeze or even laugh really hard I pee myself just a little so it seems I have started holding my crotch everytime this happens. I realized I do this yesterday when I stopped walking dead in my tracks to "hold" myself while I coughed. I guess that's what giving birth to two kids and being pregnant with your third does to you!

On a different note, I think I'm going to post weekly belly pictures.

Nothing major yet. Just a little roundness that makes me look bloated but I'm pretty sure it won't take long to really see some baby belly. I'm looking forward to having a super round, sexy baby belly!

The last couple weeks at a glance....

2011-01-24T11:40:00.001-05:00

We've had quite a bit going on the past two weekends. This past weekend Phillips parents and his daughter came up for a visit. We had a surprise party for his grandmas 70th birthday. We also celebrated his birthday and his uncles birthday. We got to meet his brothers new girlfriend and her two kids....his parents get a kick out of how big their family is getting and how fast it's getting there!

We were able to share some exciting news with his side of the family!

That's right everyone! We are having a baby!!

Leilani playing with her daddy-o.

The weekend was a blast!

Chloe, Leilani and Chloes friend Kaylan playing dress-up in my summer dresses.

The weekend before, my parents were here for a visit. I feel so lucky that we are close enough our families can drive up for a weekend trip. Unfortunately I didn;t take any pictures when they were here...I know! I suck!!

In the midst of all this excitement, I am exhausted, cranky, completely exhausted and overwhelmed with thoughts of a new baby coming into our lives....We feel so blessed to be given this gift. As Phillip calls it, our "love child"! I love this man!!

Leilani Love

2011-01-13T10:09:00.000-05:00

A year ago, I had my two children and my heart was full. I didn't think I wanted any more kids...I was good, In fact, I was perfect. Complete. Or so I thought. Then I met and fell in love with a man that had a child of his own. Actually I'm pretty sure I fell in love with them both at the same time. You see the first weekend Phillip and I spent together was his weekend with her. I was so wary at first to get involved with a man that had a child. I dated other men with kids and ended up liking the kids so much better than I ever liked their dads and when we inevitably stopped seeing each other, I missed the kids and felt horrible about getting to know them and then having to walk away. I didn't want that to happen again but the pull of Phillip, his magnetism, his effect on me made me throw all caution to the wind. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made...

She was sleeping when he got her to his house that Friday night but when I saw her sweet sleeping face I physically felt my heart expand. I just knew...this little girl was already a part of me. She was meant to be a part of my family just as much as Chloe and Jack were meant to be mine. I had heard about that connection happening with adoptive parents but I was skeptical and then this angel fell into my life. I was in love. I can't really tell you what we did that weekend besides snuggle on the couch with her and read her books. I think I read the same three books dozens of times apiece. She would crawl into my lap with her arms overflowing with books and ask for me to read them again and again. I was more than happy to oblige.

We worked it out so his weekends with her coincided with the weekends I had my two. We decided that having the three of them together felt so right. They got along so well, hell they even looked alike! It was strange and good...Chloe and Jack called her their sister the first weekend they spent together. She called Chloe sissy and Jack her brudder Dack. Our babies...our family.

I love this picture of her being silly

The girls

Three little loves at Oma & Opas
(Phillips parents)

She is just so beautiful!
This was taken before Phillip and I met but I love this picture of her.

This was taken before we met as well I just love the picture though!
Such a sweet baby girl.

Even before Phillip and I got married, if someone asked us separately or when we were together how many kids we had, we always said three because really and truly she belongs to me and mine belong to him. I'm not trying to take her moms place nor is he trying to take their dads place, those spots are filled but we are extensions of each other and love these little beings with our whole hearts. We are so blessed to have so much love.

Hello World...

2011-01-10T07:59:00.000-05:00

I think I may be back for good. Back to my trusty ol' blog after a not so brief hiatus. I only hope I can reforge some of the relationships on here that I've left standing without any attention for so long...So in that spirit, Hello again!

It's 6:30am here in the mountains of Alabama and the sun is just starting to creep up behind these gray, heavy snow clouds. Everyone is still asleep except me and Rusty dog. He's always the one to wake up with me and sit close to me while I drink my coffee and contemplate my day, or life....this morning we're looking out at our snow covered yard as we sit by the crackling heater waiting for our people to shake the sleep from their eyes. Honestly, I think he's just waiting for me to cave and feed him a biscuit.

I really enjoy this time of the morning when I'm the only one awake. I can think and dream with the only distraction being a cold, wet nose nudging under my hand and into my lap for some scratches behind the ears and sweet slobbery kisses. I have to admit my life is damn good. I have finally found the peaceful existence I looked so long and so hard for. The place where I don't have to worry...where love is so abundant you can taste it in the air around us. I have found my fairytale. When I take this out to examine it, I am in AWE of the life I get to live now.

I hear people stirring....Rusty has gotten bored of it being just the two of us and he's making his rounds, waking people (and Bella dog) up with big kisses. Time to get up!

I will be back very very soon. I promise.

- Summer

WOW!

2010-04-23T22:28:00.002-05:00

Has it really been 6 months since my last post?! What in the hell is that all about? Oh yeah...I've been super busy. This site was initially started as a means to keep in touch with friends and family living far away and evolved into a personal kind of online diary/memory keeper etc...I guess I just grew out of it for a while and on a whim, decided to look at it tonight.

I have so much to say. SO much has happened but I have no clue where to begin...Maybe I'll take some time to think about it and come back later to "blog" about it!

Peace

Gone for so long

2009-10-10T14:38:00.002-05:00

It's not that I have had nothing to say, nothing going on...I just haven't felt like saying it, writing it, typing it. Whatever. I've been super busy and even more crazy than usual...haha! So, I'll try to play a little catch up before my mind wanders and I get bored.

The kids? Holy cow! They're frickin huge!! Miss Priss turned 6 on the 30th. SIX!! My baby girl is a sassy assed school aged princess that in her very own words "is so super smart. Wanna know why? Cuz my brain is big. Yep. Wanna know why my brain is big? Cuz I'm super smart." Yeah, her mommy made her that way and can I say how amazingly proud I am of her? She will tell you in a heartbeat that it's waaaay better and waaaay cooler to be smart than pretty. Yup yup. THAT makes my heart swell with pride. Plus she really is super smart.

Jack is beyond incredible. Has a vocabulary that rivals a lot of adults. He uses discombobulated in correct context. Who the hell is this kid? He can take all kinds of things apart and put them back together again. Correctly. I can't even do that. He's nearly 4! and I am blown away almost daily by his sweet spirit and the love he gives me. His big boy independence with his hand touching mine just to be sure it's going to be ok.

Man, I love these kids. I promise promise promise to post some pictures. I have been slacking in that department for a long while now and I'm sure some of you (wait...is anyone even checking my blog anymore?) are itching for a pic fix.

As for me? I'm here. I'm alive. Breathing. Going to school full-time and hanging on for dear life. It's crazy and beautiful, this life.

Life moves along...

2009-03-20T10:22:00.002-05:00

at a pace that is so fast and at the same time so slow. I feel like I haven't had the time to breathe lately much less do anything else. Being a single mom is hard work. Two full-time jobs fill my days and nights with so many things to do...but I have to say that even though I'm relentlessly busy, I've never been happier. I absolutely love my job, the only thing that keeps me from truly looking forward to going each day is knowing I will be leaving my little angels. They are growing up so fast! Chloe is 5 1/2 and Jack just turned 3! I have no idea where those years went...they're just...gone. Flown past me.

My divorce will be final the end of May. Thankfully we have settled into a routine and a relationship that is conducive to co-parenting our kids. The anger is gone and we can finally see the person we were once such good friends with and the person we once fell in love with. A HUGE move for us especially considering we have FINALLY realized that no matter the love we may feel for each other, we can never be together as husband and wife. We don't mix well in that setting but we do make amazing friends and parents from different households. It's so sad at times to see him and know that the life I built around him is gone forever. I am so much happier but it has left an empty spot in my heart. We're both moving on, dating new people and striking out into the world as divorcees and single parents. A world so foreign to both of us and hard to swallow sometimes. I think (and know for me) that seeing one another spending time with a new person, filling in the spot we once occupied for one another, is fucking HARD. But for the best. He has become my best friend and I his. The "go-to" for each other and this role is what we were meant for. It just took years to realize that.

The future looks bright with promises of new experiences and happiness. Growing happy children and a life not being spent in unhappiness and misery.

Into the "World of Normal"

2009-01-15T09:18:00.002-05:00

I found a job. An 8-5 or later Mon-Fri. I have submitted myself to the world of people that drive during rush hour and get a steady paycheck. No more bar tending, no more waiting tables...I am officially "IN".

I feel really strange about it considering I have always prided myself on walking to a different rhythm. I have had 9-5ers before but just for short periods of time and I never truly enjoyed it. I don't have much of a choice now since I am a single mother and my divorce will hopefully *crossing fingers* be final soon. I have to be the bread winner, the responsible mama. The mama responsible for it all. A daunting realization that has me literally shaking inside.

There are plenty of women, and men, that do this daily....weekly....monthly....yearly. I know it's possible. I also know it's going to be hard as hell.

Ah, I went back on my decree of no more heavy shit here. Oh well.

Change is in the Air

2009-01-12T09:17:00.002-05:00

Back a few months ago during the changing of Summer into Fall, I was going through a lot of personal changes. It seemed so perfect for these changes in my life to be taking place at a time when the weather was changing, bringing cooler air and with it a rise in my spirit. Fall is my favorite time of year and it just felt so right to me.

I had no idea then that one huge change would be the harbinger of so many others. All of them very hard but all of them very good. In the midst of change, it can be very difficult to see the bright side. Even when you are the one that instigated it.

I recently decided the tone of this blog has gotten too heavy with my ranting and bitching about things happening these days so I have decided to start a new blog (I am keeping this one just starting the new one for the heavy stuff) to be kept private. A place for me to express my sadness, anger, depression etc.

I hope everyone is well and happy in the New Year. Much love and blessings to you all.

Baby Love

2008-12-30T20:14:00.004-05:00

A picture of me just for shits and giggles. 20 some odd lbs lighter.

Jack and Saint Nick

Lovin' butt and Mr. Claus

Lovin' butt doing what she does best, being strange.

My school girl...she's growing up waaay to fast!

Random photos for everyone's enjoyment. Hurrah! I accomplished something on my blog besides bitching. Way to go me!!

Cold Turkey

2008-12-26T18:26:00.002-05:00

So, I realize it's been quite a while since I've posted. I've just been in a very weird place personally and going through some changes. Some good. Some not so good...

Back in July I finally went to a Dr for a diagnosis and for some medication/therapy. The act of going alone was enough to bring me some relief and some hope for the future. I started meds first with therapy following a month later. Through these events I came to realize a number of things about my life and decided things needed to change. I left my husband and started working on myself from the inside out.

To make a long story short, I quit taking my medication a few days ago after realizing I was suffering from medication induced anorexia. I've lost more than 20lbs since I started taking them and am now wearing a size 1. Down from an 8 back in July.

Today I started noticing strange electric jolts running down my legs. It wasn't painful or really uncomfortable, just weird. It then started in my arms as well, eventually moving to my lips and my scalp. My brain started feeling very sluggish and the jolts became annoying coming to the point now where I feel like I'm crawling out my skin accompanied by full bodied jolts and extreme agitation.

Looking online, I found out I am having withdrawal symptoms from Zoloft and Vyvanse. Fucking beautiful.

Wishes, Hopes and Dreams

2008-11-21T18:09:00.002-05:00

I have at last acknowledged that my marriage, after so many fights, so many separations and so very many unhappy days and nights, is finally over. There is a part of me saddened by this but really and truly, my overall feeling is relief. An end of misery for both of us....He has been just as unhappy and miserable as me. Finally we both have realized how toxic we are for each other. I'm sure there is someone out there equipped to deal with his issues just as there is someone out there equipped to deal with mine. We just weren't able to deal with each others. Incompatible I guess you could say.

***

I've wished so many times for a "partnership". I marriage where I'm not alone 99% of the time. One in which my "partner" helps me make a family, helps me make a home. I don't mean by impregnating me (almost any motherfucker out there could do that) or by just providing the financial means to have a roof over our heads...food to eat, etc. I mean someone who participates in our family. Someone that actually enjoys my company and someone that loves coming home to see the beautiful, smiling faces of my babies instead of running to the garage as fast as possible. Sometimes bypassing coming into the house at all to say hello. I love you. Anything at all. Instead of ignoring us, pretending we don't exist.

I want to eat dinner together, bathe the kids together. Have a date night that doesn't end in a fight. I want to be in love dammit! In love so passionately, so wholly and completely. Not just with that person but with our life together...

There have been countless times I have observed the relationships of my friends and felt jealousy. Envy...Knowing that my husband would never look at me like that. Never seek out my hand just to touch me. Never look in my eyes and simply fall. That I would never look into his eyes and simply...fall. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights wishing for this. Wanting it and needing it so badly.

I have to leave this now. It's too much. Too emotional and too sad.

Blinded by the light...

2008-11-06T15:42:00.002-05:00

Or better yet, blinded by my desire for people to do as they say they will do, to be honorable, just and fair.

Listen, I DO realize that a lot of people are not like this and especially should know from past experience with certain people that I should be as guarded and mistrusting as possible. I just SO wanted to be civil. Unfortunately, I'm the only one in this who desires civility.

I don't want my sweet babes to be even more affected by this than they already have been. Even though she understands why, Chloe is still heartbroken by our split. And Jack? Poor baby...he doesn't have the comprehension skills yet to really get it. He's very angry with me and very confused by the circumstances. It kills me to see them both suffering this way, even though I know I'm doing the right thing for all of us. I wish there was a better way....

I can only hope for and work for peace and harmony in our lives. I know it will come....

Seperation Anxiety

2008-10-27T08:22:00.002-05:00

So, it's been almost a month since the kids and I moved out of Bayes' house. I won't lie, it has been hard but certainly not as hard as being there with him was. I have seen a definite change for the better in Lil Miss. She has even stated a few times that she feels happier. That's really all the affirmation I need to know I made the right choice.

I know, I know....I have done this before. Left him with every intention of staying gone and ultimately been sucked back in to going to back to him. This time is different. I can't really explain why or what feelings are different this time except that every time in the past I have ad some lingering love/affection for him and hope that we could make it work. I am absolutely void of any of that this time. I knew that there would come a day when enough would simply be enough and my heart and head would reconcile their differences. That time came over a month ago. I had set a plan in motion to make it possible for us to leave but my plan required time. Come to find out, the last thing I had was time. I won't go into the gory details. While it is my story to tell, other people have been and could still be affected by the facts. Maybe some day I will feel comfortable putting it out there but that day is not today.

He has been pretty agreeable to the terms of divorce. Hell, he's been agreeable to the fact that we're getting a divorce at all and that is a huge change from the last time. I truly believe he realizes how unhealthy our relationship had become and how completely unhappy we were making each other. Some people simply don't meld well and it's nobodies fault. It's just a fact. He seems to be so much more at peace without me there. So much happier....

I know the 3 of us are feeling the change and it is so much better.

I will admit that I'm scared shitless to embark on this journey alone. Being a single parent doesn't appeal to me in the slightest but t really won't be much of a change as far as responsibilities go. I did the majority of everything involving parenting and housekeeping while we were together. The only real difference will be the financial aspect. I have to get a job and that means I will most likely have to put J Dog in daycare. Lil Miss's school has extended day but it only extends to 3:30 in the afternoon and any day job I get would most likely stretch well into the evening. I have a conundrum here. I have thought about working at night in a restaurant for now so I can still be home during the day with the babes but everything appears to be fully staffed. It's pretty rotten and very damn stressful.

I know I'm fully capable of doing this on my own. I am strong and smart. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends to support me and help me when I need it. The way they have rallied around the 3 of us in the last couple of months has been so refreshing. I feel incredibley blessed to have such amazing people in our lives.

On a somewhat different note;
Therapy and meds are going well. I actually start extensive pshyco-therapy this week to deal with past sexual abuse and family issues I seem to have buried for so many years. The damage caused by these events runs deep and I have been ignoring the scars for way too long. They have shaped my life and my decisions for far too long. I'm beyond ready to start the process of healing. I'm ready to feel whole and to be able to love the way I know love should be. I want to be capable of making good decisions for us and I haven't been capable of that for as long as I can remember.

I am getting back involved in church and it feels good to be a part of something like that again. It will be a slow, cautious process but i feel that I need that kind of fellowship and an outlet or a place to meet other people that can be uplifting for me and me for them. The babes really enjoy going as well and it gives me an opprtunity to meet other parents with kids the same age as mine. We all need that right now....

Just keep us in your thoughts. Send good juju our way...we for sure need it!

Mommy, I have a question.....

2008-10-04T16:17:00.002-05:00

Chloe: Mommy, I have a big question....how do I put this....hmm. Well do you remember when I was borned?
Me: Of course I remember when you were born. That is one thing I am guaranteed to never forget.
Chloe: Um, well, this is going to be a long talk mom. Ok? You know babies...when they're in mommy's tummy's? And they cut the baby out of the mommy's tummy's?

I had to stop her there and explain that only sometimes they "cut the babies out". How graphic and weird is that?

Chloe: Where do, um, the babies go? You know after that?
Me: They come out into the world and to mommy's and daddy's house so we can love them and teach them.
Chloe: Well, what I'm trying to ask is, well, um, where are the babies before they go into your tummy? Where are they? I just don't know where they are first...you know?

At this point I was like, holy shit. I knew I was going to be splainin this soon enough but it was kinda unexpected.

Me: Ok, babe. Well moms have these things called eggs, not like chicken eggs, but super duper tiny little eggs that live in here (I showed her on my body) and dads have these little things that look like super tiny tadpoles. The little tadpoles and the little eggs come together and they make a baby. It starts out really small and it grows and grows for 9 months and when it's all ready...out comes the baby!
Chloe: Wow...I have to think about this. Can we talk about this some more some other time....?

She walks off and it's done. For now.

Just when...

2008-09-30T14:53:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling like I can do this something happens and knocks the wind out of me. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Wish he could see what he's doing to me.

Looking Up

2008-09-30T09:34:00.002-05:00

Things are definitely getting better! I've been organizing, cleaning, just being overall happier. It's been quite an experience.
There are some things going on in my personal life but I'm trying really hard to not let it affect my overall happiness. I tend to focus on my marriage problems to intensely and allow it to completely ruin me for long periods of time but I have decided I'm not going to let that happen this time. I refuse to let those issues set the tone for my days. If I can't do any more about it than I already am, I just won't hyperfocus on it.

On another note.
It's Chloe's 5th birthday today! Wow! I cannot believe she's 5 already...it's flown by so quickly.

She is the most amazing kid. So sweet and so loving. Becoming such a big girl! Man, it is CRAZY watching her grow up. I feel so blessed!

Happy Birthday baby girl!!

Ahem...

2008-09-17T07:57:00.002-05:00

I wrote this extremely long post yesterday about everything that has been going on with me. It actually was quite a bit of history to explain what I'm about to reveal but before I was even half way done I was so emotionally and mentally wiped out that I couldn't finish. Now I'm just not sure I even post it. It's too personal. Too harsh. Simply put, it's just too much to put out there for the internet to see. I thought it might be therapeutic for me to write it all out and tell my story to you but I realized while it did make me feel better to get it down (some of it anyways) I didn't want everyone to know the places I've been.

The short short version is: I've been suffering from depression for a very long time. I've seen numerous therapists with no positive outcome so I had basically given up on any hope of living a "normal" life. Unfortunately, I have become completely incapable of functioning in any aspect of my life and decided it was time to be proactive. When I say incapable, I mean it. I couldn't do anything besides the simple life sustaining needs of my family. Everything else fell apart. Hell, some days I could barely move off of the couch.

I finally made an appointment to see a psychiatrist and went last Wednesday. After a battery of tests and many many questions I was diagnosed as being bi-polar with ADHD and situational depression (I also have high anxiety issues). I was kind of shocked at first (although my mom is convinced I've been ADHD since a young child and has recently been bringing me articles and emailing me stuff about adult ADD/ADHD in women, which DID make a lot of sense) but after doing tons of research and joining an ADD/ADHD forum I can finally see what has been going on all these years. It's like walking into the sunshine for the first time in your life.

I was prescribed Lamictal for mood stabilazation, Vyvanse, a brand new, ADHD medication and Zoloft for depression and anxiety. I had to quit taking the Lamictal for now because 3 drugs were just too much for my system and I was having adverse reactions taking all 3. I was started on 30mg of Vyvanse and 50mg of Zoloft but neither was a high enough dose as I metabolize things very quickly. I went back to see my Dr Monday and she upped the dose of Vyvanse to 60mg and the Zoloft to 100mg. I am experiencing a lot of anxiety with the Vyvanse but only when it's wearing off about 4-5 hours after taking it (it's advertised as being the only ADHD med that lasts 12 hours. Pshh. Bullshit.). She upped the dose thinking a higher dose would last longer and upped the Zoloft to further help with the "come down" anxiety. I did the upped dosages yesterday and still bottomed out at around noon with tons of anxiety. Let me tell you, the anxiety sucks ass. Chest tightness, hard time breathing, headaches. My Dr thinks that it wearing off so early in the day is "all in your head", that's what she said verbatim. I considered that and of course, having the world wide web at my fingertips, I did lots of research. It actually seems to be a big issue with a lot of people. Especially people who have a high tolerance to meds anyways and of course with people who metabolize things fast. I have both of those issues with medications. Always have. It has always at least 4 motrin for me, double the usual strength for any presription pain killer. Hell, I took a bottle of 75 Tylenol PM once and didn't die (not making light of that, I promise....just proving a point). I'm concerned that she isn't going to help with this because she doesn't believe me and every step forward I've made this week will be in vain. There are people on the forum I joined who take afternoon boosters to get them through the afternoon and evening and I think that may be the right path for me because as it stands right now, I'm complete shit by 5 and that's when it gets hectic around here.

I go back to see her next Wednesday and I hope she can be more open minded with me then. I need for her to work with me until we get this right. I do not want to go back to the way it was. Ever again.

After taking the Vyvanse and Zoloft for a full week I can say I DO feel better. My focus is definitely sharper when the Vyvanse is in effect and the Zoloft has helped with some anxiety. I'm interested to see what will happen when we add the Lamictal (mood stabilizer) back into the mix. FYI I am not relying on only the meds to make a change. I realize that the change needs to come from me and I have added some different things to supplement myself physically while the meds supplement me mentally.
1) I am no longer drinking. I actually hace NO desire to drink whatsoever. This is a huge change for me seeing that I did want to drink every day. I thought last night a beer might be good. I opened it, took a few sips and thought "why in the hell did I open this? I don't want/need this!" Which is amazing but I did read that once you get on meds that can work for you self-medicating becomes a thing of the past.
2) Exercising. It helps raise endorphin levels that can make you feel euphoric and we all need some euphoria. Right?
3) Diet changes. I eat pretty healthy anyways but there are certain foods that help with the effectiveness of the meds. I have noticed thought that the ADHD (a stimulant) curbs my appetite a lot and I have to make concerted effort to eat every day. It seems to work best when I eat 5-6 very small meals consisting of protein, carbs and veggies. I've been drinking Slim Fast shakes in the AM for the protein, peanut butter and carrots and stuff.
(Shit, I'm totally rambling! Sorry!)
Last but not least, Structuring my day. Creating a schedule for myself is something I have never really been able to do and the last few days has been pretty easy. It keeps me motivated and moving to look at a list of things to do. I feel so good when I can cross them off. That wasn't even remotely possible last week.
Now I just need to make myself set an exact time for the computer!! It seems these drugs make me hyperfocus on one thing at a time, which is what they are supposed to do so I can accomplish things without my mind racing and getting completely overwhelmed.

Okay enough for now. The post I wanted to be short and sweet has dragged on.

Love to all!

Update

2008-09-15T15:04:00.002-05:00

Hello to all! I am alive and well.....well, I am alive.

I realize it's been FOREVER since I've posted anything here. I've been going through a lot of shit and am just starting to feel like I'm going to be okay. I don't feel like going into all of it right now but I will very soon. It's been pretty hardcore for me emotionally and physically but there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel now.

Love to all!

Wish you could see...

2008-07-25T14:25:00.002-05:00

how unbelievably adorable my toothless son is right now. He has an empty tic tac container filled with pretzel pieces (that he broke up and put in himself). He has this little box in his pocket and he keeps coming up to me with this earnest, beautiful face telling me I can have ONE more tit tat, mama. As he digs in his pocket with pudgy fingers, opens it up, taps one out and feeds me.

It's stuff like this...the sweet thoughtful gestures they make for me daily that makes it all so worth while. Oh...and his toes are painted dark purple! Hehe!!

Yes I Am

2008-07-24T14:08:00.002-05:00

The title to this post has absolutely nothing to do with the body. I just wanted to say that....

It's so fucking hot here! It's too hot to do much of anything outdoors so we're stuck inside entertaining ourselves...it's even too hot to swim. Bella will only stay out long enough to pee and poop. She won't play outside at all. I've tried taking the kids out to play but after 5 minutes I'm drenched in sweat and in need of another shower. Never mind the hordes of mosquitos that attack like the fucking plague! Bug spray makes my skin burn...I don't really feel comfortable covering my kids in it.

Also, my son may be a sadomasochist. (As my brother so lovingly pointed out this afternoon.) Good for him? I may need help in the coming, oh say, 10-15 years to get through the inevitable broken bones and god only knows what else kind of injuries he will sustain!

What the fuck?!

2008-07-22T14:49:00.002-05:00

I swear I need to change the name of this blog to Danger In the Life of a Two Year Old.

This week, unfortunately, isn't looking much brighter than last week. Another old friend of mine died in a car accident this past Friday. He crashed into a tree and died upon impact. His car exploded and his body was burnt beyond recognition and there wasn't even a casket at the viewing. I grew up with this guy....Known him for almost 20 years. His girlfriend survived the accident somehow but she has 3rd degree burns on most of her body. They are going to be amputating both legs and an arm if they can get her past the other injuries. She has 3 children. His mom and mine have been really great friends for so long....He took me to prom! Man...

Also, to add to Jack's knocked out tooth ( a week ago today), he was pushing his truck around today, slipped and face planted on it. Apparently his tongue was sticking out and he bit down on it, slicing it open very bad. Very deep. There's nothing you can do for mouth injuries like this. No stitches or anything so we have another week or more of a soft diet and I WILL be losing my mind sometime today or tomorrow. FUCK!!!!!

On the brighter side, his gums are healing nicely. The wound on his gum is no longer pussy and we missed having an infection..yay! His other tooth is still a wee bit loose but it is getting tighter so we may not lose it after all.

Baye has been making fun of me for being so over-protective with him. (I always have been because he's always doing some kind of crazy shit, we've just been able to avoid major major wounds until now. ) Telling me shit like "you're gonna have him in a helmut soon!" "relax, Summer! It's gonna be ok!" "Oh no Jack, mom's getting freaked out again!" I told him after this happened today that if he makes any snide remarks to or around me about me being super protective, I am going to knock the living shit out of his face. I mean it. I'm just not one of those freaky ass mom's that wig about every little thing. I usually don't give much merit to boo boos. My usual motto is, "are you bleeding? A bone pertruding? Large knot on your head...dizzy? Faint? Good. You'll live...shake it off."

God, I'm going fucking crazy.

Tell me if this hurts....

2008-07-17T10:14:00.002-05:00

We had an extremely traumatic day here Tuesday. An old old friend of mine passed away Thursday and I attended the funeral Tuesday morning. Funerals are always such sad affairs but when it's for someone so young....it's devastating. My friend Ricky was only 27 yrs old and he left behind a wife and 2 yr old son. I can't imagine being the wife...nor can I imagine being the parent that has to bury a child. No matter that the child is an adult. It's not right.

After the funeral, I went out to my brother's house for a visit. Everything was going great until about 8:30 pm....when Jack was running through the house, tripped and hit his mouth on the lower rung of a massage chair. He knocked one of his top front teeth out. Yes, completely out. It ripped out of the front of his gum. Root and all. Well, the root coming out as well was actually a blessing. The dentist said if it had just broken and left the root in they would have had to put him asleep to surgically remove the root. So my little baby is missing a front tooth at 2 yrs old.

I'm gonna some post some pictures of his toothless grin here in a few days. And tell a better story but I am so emotionally exhausted from this and he hasn't been sleeping because it hurts so I haven't been sleeping....so tired.

Notes To Future Self

2008-07-14T11:06:00.002-05:00

1) Red wine and Jagermeister...do not mix well. Refrain from ever consuming both beverages on the same night again!

2) Sitting bare-assed while drunk on the dirty garage floor is a big no no. It will result in strange and unfortunate bug bite around vagina.

3) Under no circumstances whatsoever comment on strangers boobs. While meant as a compliment it will be taken badly.

4) Keep own boobs constrained in shirt. They are not what they used to be and no one likes to see them now. (Besides husband and he has to say he likes them.)

5) Do not fall asleep naked on couch when husband has friends hanging out in the garage. They will get more than they came over for and look at you funny from then on.

Unnecessarily Necessary

2008-07-08T07:27:00.004-05:00

I have been dealing with depression for so long, I can't really remember a time I wasn't depressed. I mean, there have certainly been intervals of time I haven't dealt with it but it has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I've actually gone months, even years without being "depressed" but it always come back with a vengeance. Lately, it's been sleeping in my bed with me all day every day.

The really horrible thing about it, is that this time it's manifesting itself in different ways. All of the old ways but some new ones as well and it sucks. Badly. I usually try to deal with it without taking any medication and am successful most times but sometimes....I need it and I absolutely hate being dependent on drugs to make me feel good and normal. I keep a prescription of Wellbutrin handy for these occasions and will take it for a few months until things settle down and then I stop. I'm good and happy and go on with my life.

This time, it's not working. I've been taking the drugs for about two months now and they aren't really working. I keep "forgetting" to take them and once I've "forgotten" enough times when I do remember, I look at the bottle, groan and tell myself I'll take it later. I think we all know later never comes and I continue on my downward spiral. What's more, this seems to happening to me more and more lately. It was only back in October that I went completely nuts and shaved my head. I got better and moved on. Now, less than a year later I'm dealing with it again.

If I was worrying about just myself it wouldn't be such a problem but I'm taking care of two amazing kids (that I can't stand to be around these days), a husband (whom I am so pissed off at all of the time for nothing) and a household (which requires so much of my time and attention to keep up and running). Nothing gets taken care of and everyone suffers for my suffering. Besides my inability to do anything, I am so fucking irritable this time around I can't stand being around myself most of the time! It's gotten out of control and I'm afraid I need to go see a doctor to change meds and get some relief.

Studies show that if you suffer from some form of depression, your children are 2x as likely to suffer. I've also recently been told that ADD and ADHD are the symptoms of manic depression. It manifests itself as ADD/ADHD in children and most times turns in bipolar manic depression in adults. Cheery right? If I suffer and if Baye suffers, what hope is there for Jack? What hope is there for Chloe if she is so much like me? It's a shitty situation...

Way too busy...

2008-07-01T07:24:00.002-05:00

These past few weeks have been completely out of control busy. There has been so much going on and there doesn't seem to be a time in the near future it will be getting any better.

We're on week 3 of potty training Jack and he's doing awesome! He's having about one minor accident a day, which is so great. (I'm talking about pee pee here) Poop is a different story. I haven't managed to get him to poo in the potty yet and that's fine, I guess. I know the poop takes a bit longer...but damn! Poopy undies are gross!! Much worse than poopy diapers.

He's talking so much now. You can really understand him (at least I can!) and he can really relay to me what he wants from me. It makes things so much easier!

Lil Miss Priss starts school next month! I can't believe she's old enough already...it really does seem like it was just yesterday she was born. Having her has been a true testament to how time truly does fly. She's going to a really amazing school for pre-k but we can't afford for her to continue going there through the 8th grade. By the time she's in 8th the tuition will be close to $10,000/year with all of the other fees. We have J-Dog to think about too and there's just no way we can afford $20,000/year for school so I've been checking into Magnet school programs for her to start next year. I'm amazed at how many programs they offer for elementary age kids. There are a ton to choose from. They even start special programs dedicated to the arts in 1st grade. Special schools. It's pretty cool. If she gets accepted to one of these schools she will be automatically accepted into any middle school magnet program we choose for her and then to any college prep high school she wants to attend. It's a pretty amazing program and the education she could get will be great. She's smart as hell (and I'm not just saying that because she's mine!) and I know she can excel in something like this. Her dad has been pushing me hardcore to put her in private school but he has no interest in shelling out any money for it so this is my compromise. It's a pretty damn good one if you ask me.

I've been trying for well over a year now to figure out a way to help Lil Miss keep her room clean. I don't expect perfection, just some organization. Like a made bed and all dirty clothes in the hamper. My sister-in-law gave me some ideas that sounded great; a big toy box for all toys (I had small containers to organize different toys) and because Lil Miss likes to change clothes umpteen times a day a "worn once pile". Sounds cool, right? So, I got a huge toy box and an extra basket for the worn once clothes. Not so much luck with it. I decided to buy some door beads. She has two rooms attached to one another. Her bedroom and a smaller playroom in the back with a doorway seperating them. I got the beads to hang in the door and give it some seperation. My rule was, the playroom can be as messy as you want...behind the beads. Just keep the toys back there and out of the bedroom. She apparently has waaay too much shit and overflow should be expected. My real request now that I have all but given up hope on a clean room is that she at least get all of her dirty clothes to make it to the hamper. My nw rule is...I will not pick any of her cloths up off the floor. If her clothes aren't in the hamper on laundry day, her clothes don't get washed. She went 3 weeks without her laundry being done. When she realized she had no more clothes, she gathered them up. I told her today was laundry day and she gathered up her cllothes and put them into the laundry room for me....Yay! A fucking victory!!

As for me, I'm going to school, keeping house, teaching Lil Miss how to read and Jack how to shit in the toilet. I've been a busy lady. Whew.

Check this out

2008-06-17T23:51:00.002-05:00

This has to be one of the coolest websites I've stumbled upon.

I've been using this program supported by Firefox called Stumble. It's way too much fun! You get to pick out your interests and hit the stumble button. It brings up random pages from your interest list. All types of crazy shit you would not believe!!

Some really funny sites I've found

2008-06-16T07:06:00.002-05:00

Seriously, you need to check these out!

This one is a list of short stories told by travel agents. It's hilarious.

The Aquariass.

This is how to keep an idiot busy.

How to get your kid to swim!

Happy Father's Day to all the daddy's out there!

2008-06-15T09:16:00.003-05:00

A special one to my hubby for being such a wonderful and patient dad.

Thanks so much honey for doing everything you do everyday for us. For loving Lil Miss like she is your very own. You've been there for us through so many ups and downs. I'm so happy you're in our lives....

Much love,
Wifey

To pose a question...

2008-06-12T17:22:00.002-05:00

Dear readers,

When do you feel is an appropriate age to start disciplining? To start teaching our children right from wrong and the value of consequences. Both good and bad. At what age did you start and why? I'm really curious about what other moms are doing. How you handle the role as disciplinarian. I recently read a statement by another mom that 3 was too young for consequences. This actually blew my mind and I've been thinking about it ever since. So, just want to get a general consensus from people that read this blog.

Happy day to you!

Ahem..Random goings on at Casa de la Beauford

2008-06-10T07:40:00.002-05:00

My dog was in heat for two, yes, two whole friggin weeks and yes, I was on my period at the same time. It was a great, fun-filled experience. I must say though that seeing an 80lb rottweiler wearing Dora panties was quite funny. However, when said Dora panties worked their way off the resulting blood splatter all over my floors wasn't quite as funny. Also the fact that when Dora panties came off and she found the pantyliner wedged in there and decided to eat it (many of them) wasn't funny at all. No no. SKIP THIS NEXT PART IF YOU ARE EASILY GROSSED OUT. To top this wonderful experience off, I then had to pull eaten but not chewed (so swallowed whole) pantyliners ou of her butt on several occasions. Yay for me! The Huz, of course, found all of this endlessly amusing.

Since we are already on the subject of shit, I'll go ahead and talk about my dear boy's love of smearing poop on every conceivable surface in his room, including using himself as his first option. This actually started months ago when I tried potty training him. It was like he had found gold in his new big boy underoos. Gold that had so many possibilities of being play worthy. The first time wasn't such a big deal. I got on to him and cleaned up the mess. Washed his blankie (which, God forbid you take that from him for even a minute!) washed his sheets and scrubbed poo. This has continued for months now. I finally got smart and started putting those little footy jumpers on him, you know the ones that zip up? I cut off the feet and sleeves, because hello? it's hot as hell in Florida, and I put them on him backwards. He can't take them off and he can't spread his poopylove all over his room. That only works for bedtime and naptime though so if he poops any other time, guess what...I'm scrubbing shit. Thank goodness that boy is so cute.

Lil Miss Priss starts school this year! I'm so excited!! We were able to get her into a really nice private school here in J-ville. The one I really really really wanted her to go to. It only goes up to 5th grade but she will have her pick of schools after this. They teach spanish and computer skills in pre-k here. Fucking amazing. What's even cooler? I know you're asking...is that both sets of grandparents have agreed to split the tuition.

Ok, kids are awake so I have to go tend to the three ring circus.

I've been tagged

2008-05-28T17:27:00.002-05:00

by Denise over at Veggie Tables. I am supposed to give 5 facts about myself, linking to the blog that tagged me and tagging 5 other wonderful, amazing people. So, ummm, here goes.

5 Things About Me

1) I change my hair (cut and color) every 6 weeks.
2) I pick my nose ALL of the time. It's a gross habit, I know but I do it all the same.
3) I love to pick my kids noses too.
4) Sometimes I wish I was 20 again.
5) I really like pop music (even though I will deny it to the end of the earth if ever confronted about it!)

I tag Smoochy1, Smoochie2, WeirdGirl, Juju lady and Superhero girl.

I know that two of these ladies are new moms so....you know, whenever you have the time!

You Have to Admit it's Getting Better (It's getting better all the time)

2008-05-08T06:07:00.002-05:00

You know, there is nothing like holding your newborn baby in your arms for the very first time. Hearing the first piercing wail that is the confirmation of the life you've been carrying for nine months. The amazing rush of emotion that signifies motherhood has truly begun....

Then comes the sleepless nights, the swollen breasts and sore nipples. The constant anxiety over so many things...anxiety over whether that beautiful baby is still breathing because, oh my god, he/she just slept for four hours straight and something must be wrong!! The glide into the wonderful twos. Feeling out their independence, wanting to try to do everything for themselves. And the magnitude of temper tantrums! Oy Vey!! It is a difficult but amazing journey with beautific smiles and sweet hugs and kisses right around every corner. A journey I'm so happy I'm taking part in.

There have been so many times, I've been ready to pull my hair out. Gouge out my eyes. Run away...far far away. Change my name...you get the drift, I'm sure. Any mom out there knows exactly what I'm talking about. Let me tell you...it gets better.

Chloe is almost five now and all of those sleepless nights, in-store tantrums (you know the ones that won't end and you have to leave an almost full basket of groceries or the most perfect pair of jeans behind), bedtimes that she doesn't feel are fair so she screams until I lose my mind and scream too. There were times for me that I was so stressed out. The joy of parenting was sadly absent. The thrill was gone baby...I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. There were times we would be out during these days and other, more experienced moms would feel pity for me. They would approach me and tell me "hey, I know it's hard right now! We've all been here before, but let me tell you, it DOES get easier. Stay strong mom! You'll feel that shift one day and life will be easier." and you know what? As much as I doubted their sage advice then...I have experienced The Shift.

Some comes from having more experience, I'm sure. But most of it has come from my little girl growing up. Her understanding that her actions have consequences, both good and bad. Her desire to be independent and her ability to do all of those things she desires to do for herself. It's an amazing change of pace and makes life so much easier (especially with Jack still being two and in the midst of tempermental hell!). Having Chloe being able to wipe her own butt, wash her own hair, make her own drinks, brush her own teeth and yes, read her own books (some with small words but it's a great start)! But it's more than just the stuff she can do on her own. It's her everything. It's not all work anymore. It's enjoyable in a way I never would happen.

Chloe has been a difficult, strong-willed child from the get go. So much so, the pediatrician would just shake her head and apologize sometimes. Giving me a list of books to read that give great advice in dealing with this kind of child. Survival guides really. I read them and tried the advice. I tried the advice from more seasones parents, from my parents and nothing semed to work. We, Chloe and I, had to work through it on our own terms, in our own way. We had to find the path that worked best for us...and by god! we found it! All of the hard times were so worth having what we have now.

I'm truly enjoying being a mom again. The overwhelming love never went away...just the joy of it.

There is a light. It does get better and easier. And it is so fucking marvolous!

Four + One = (feels like) 8

2008-04-22T13:01:00.004-05:00

Introducing the newest member of our ever growing brood!
Bella Ella Afrell (Ella Afrell courtesy of Lil Miss)
Her name originally was Annie, but we (she) wanted to change it so...

This is her first full day with us.

Second day. We made a trip to petco and got her this awesome mini tire chew toy.
She freakin loves it!

She's a 9 month old German import rottweiler. Absolutely sweet and timid. Completely at ease with the kids being maniacs and tugging on her. I was so nervous bringing her home because...hello!!! She's a fucking monster and only gonna get bigger! Probably 90-100 lbs. She's a rescue dog. Not from an abusive home. Her breeder brought her in to the vets office where my friends BIL works with a gun shot wound. She and a few other puppies had gotten loose and were chasing the neighbors cat so he shot her. The breeder didn't want to pay for the surgeries so Jake (the BIL) did.

I had been really wanting to get a dog and we were heading down to the humane society this week anyways to find one when...bam! We were blessed to meet her first. Already so in love with her sweet spirit! She's definitely a mama's girl!

My sweet little boy

2008-04-17T07:12:00.003-05:00

I swear if it weren't for his rough and tumble, spitting, hitting little boy attitude, my son should have been born with a vagina. He is a master at applying lip gloss. And none of that Burts Bees Stuff either. He wants sparkly Bonnie Bell. Strawberry, vanilla sugar. He likes his toe nails painted. Pink...he likes them painted pink. And his new obsession? Shoes. LOVES them to pieces. Has to have them on his feet at all times. He will cry and cry until I hand him a pair. And yes, at two he is skilled in putting them on himself. On the right feet no less. I just bought a new pair of flip flops and he had to put them on right then. In the store. Before paying for them. Nothing less would suffice. He's barely taken them off since. God bless him. He has his mommy's and sister's shoe fetish. Oh well....he still throws a mean right hook!

My lil babe

2008-04-16T13:08:00.004-05:00

This is Chloe getting a chocolate facial and a pedicure at a a children's spa in West Palm Beach. She's down visiting her dad's girlfriend for the week.....this kid gets more pampering than me! How can I compete with this?

Singin the 7am Blues

2008-04-16T06:57:00.002-05:00

Lately, mornings around here have been, well let's just say, not fun. I am not a morning person by nature and I require coffee before even groaning. Much less deal with a whiny two year old. Unfortunately Jack has inherited my complete dislike of morning. That still doesn't keep him from waking up at the butt crack of dawn to bitch at me for a good 30 minutes. My morning attitude has greatly improved since having kids but I'm still not a pleasant, sweet, patient person. I try...but fail miserably.

Both of my kids require chocolate milk immediately upon their feet hitting the floor in the morning. This started with Chloe when she was about 1 1/2 years old. I thought it would be cute to give her chocolate milk in the morning when I had my coffee. It was and still is. When Jack was old enough, he got it too. It's a morning ritual we all actually enjoy a lot. Until Jack decided to start being difficult, that is.

Chloe is 100% happy with her coco coco and a granola bar until I'm ready to make breakfast. He, on the other hand, needs my full attention. Wants coco, doesn't want coco. Wants coco again. Screams til he gets it. Screams when he does. Wants to eat so I open the pantry...Mind you, still no coffee yet. He can't decide. Five minutes or more will go by while he tells me,"I wook mama! I wook for me!" "I eat eat mine wook!" Ok Jack. Just pick something. This goes on every morning until I eventually say, enough! Close the pantry after picking something out myself and then we proceed to deal with screaming for at least 30 minutes. Yay!

Thank goodness he's so fucking cute. Otherwise I might be tempted to flush him down the toilet. Hehe!

New pics

2008-04-11T12:10:00.003-05:00

New hair color. Red all around, face fringed in black.

Doodle Bug having his most fav snack

On the way to get a new tat

New tat. Not a great shot of it but here it is!

Happy Birthday to MEEEE!

2008-04-09T11:46:00.002-05:00

It's my 28th Birthday today. No different...I did get breakfast in bed though. The most fabulous scrambled eggs made by none other than my lil Miss Prissy Pants.

Some Changes

2008-04-08T12:48:00.003-05:00

I was bored with my Blogger template so I found a site that premade some really cute ones. I really liked this one initially but think I'll be changing it again soon.
What a bitch to do though! I had to add my link list again and I can't remember them all so I'm missing quite a few. Bleh...

Couple new pictures....Yes, I know I suck

2008-03-25T13:54:00.003-05:00

Kitty Love
This cat puts up with more shit than I ever thought possible. It must be the extra extra extra layers of fat that keep him from feeling much pain. But of course the lovin he gets is pretty good too.

My beautiful babes for once not beating the hell out of each other. Um yeah, that lasted all of 5 seconds. Long enough to take this picture.

P.S. I added a new recipe on my recipe blog. Recipe Share on my links list.

Ay yai yai!

2008-03-24T15:30:00.002-05:00

I've been a bit of a mess lately. That is actually putting it lightly. We've been having some issues around here at Casa Loco and I really have no clue when we will be back to "normal". I've been trying earnestly to potty train Jack and while my efforts have been very rewarded in the pee pee, the poo isn't coming along very well. I've been told by numerous people , including the pediatrician, that this is to be expected. So I expect it but that doesn't make it any less frustrating to have to wipe poop off of everything a couple times a day. Plus we just got over a pretty nasty stomach bug in which the poop flowed, literally, like water and I have to say that I do not enjoy cleaning up watery poop. I had the flu, you know the kind with fevers, body aches, chills, sneezing, coughing overall shitty feeling when BOTH kids got the stomach bug. Now I have the stomach bug. Really people, Lysol is a waste of fucking money.

On the bright side, I quit smoking. It's been a month and things are going really well. I've been taking Chantix and I have to say, it's a wonderful drug. Jack is talking more and more. So many words are learned daily! It's pretty crazy to finally be able to decipher what he's saying. I'm loving it!! Chloe is doing great besides trying to adjust to some major changes that have taken place around here. It's been hard on all of us but I know it's the right thing for us.

I really don't want to go into detail about this major change yet. I'm not ready to openly discuss it and I certainly am not ready for any internet criticism. I'll just say it's been a lot to handle but we are all doing ok.

I hope everyone out there is doing well!

Linky Love

2008-03-13T14:47:00.002-05:00

Strange things happen out of the blue sometimes.
I checked my email today and had a message from an old old friend. This girl and I were imprisoned together at a Southern Baptist Children's Home for I believe, 2 years. Anywho...she found my blog, left a comment with a link to her blog and she sent me an email. Yay. Hi Niecey!! You can visit her food blog Veggie Tables. All of the recipes look amazing and I can't wait to try some.

Also, Becca over at the Smoochy house popped out another beautiful baby. A precious little girl. Go give her some love!

Where am I exactly?

2008-03-12T14:58:00.004-05:00

I have been on a blogging hiatus lately. Not something I intended to do but any inspiration I've had to write has been quickly been lost. My mind has been a jumbled mess of shit I can only aspire to sort out. So...there has been nothing.

I feel like I'm being put through the ringer these days. There's only so much one person can handle. You know, sometimes I feel like I must have sown some really shitty karma in my past and it all likes to come back to me at one freakin time. Fuck karma.

On a lighter note. Jack is almost, almost potty trained. And he just turned 2 last Wednesday. Whew! 80% success rate in making it in the potty is alright with me. The poop is a whole different story and one I can't bring myself to talk about yet as it is still a HUGE fiasco. My little boy isn't a baby anymore. He is big and only getting bigger and damn! He's such a handsome little bugger! Miss Priss is growing. Again. We just bought new clothes for her Christmastime and she is almost grown out of them. The child isn't 5 yet and she's about to start wearing size sixes! WTF!! She's so tall and so beautiful...I'm in such deep shit.

Ok...update partially complete. Love to all.

Where am I exactly?

2008-03-12T14:58:00.001-05:00

Yep...I'm that mom.

2008-02-15T17:12:00.002-05:00

not me.

I just screamed back at my screaming toddler, "Knock it off, PUNK!" and he listened.

So sad.

One more thing. I cannot understand his desire to look under everything. Furniture, couch cushions, patio tables and chairs, potted plants. Like a magical world exists under all things. Maybe it does.

Oh Woe is Me!

2008-02-15T16:15:00.002-05:00

I am in the throes of Terrrrible Two hell with a very particular and extremely passionate little boy. How is it my luck to give birth to not just one but two strong willed and hard headed kids? Everything has become cause for some major tantrum throwing and frankly I feel like I am about to completely lose my fucking mind! Jack has been such a sweet baby and I've been crossing my fingers, hoping that we would transition through this stage peacefully. Haha! The joke's on me!

I remember thinking when Chloe hit this phase, that aliens must have abducted my child and replaced her with this crazy, uncommunicative beast that looked like my daughter. He won't stay in the car seat. He won't stay in the stroller. He won't sit in the grocery cart. He won't sleep. He throws his food at me. Screams at me constantly..."mammmmaaaa! Mammmmmaaaaaa! Mammmmaaaaa!" "NO, mamma! NO NO NO!" "Come her Jack" "NO!" "Let me put your shoes on Jack." "NO!" "Wanna go outside Jack?" "NO!! I WANNA GO OOSIII NOW!" "Jack, wanna eat?" "NO! I WANNA EAT EAT!"

Ok no more energy to bitch.

Things have been crazy around here!

2008-02-05T16:19:00.000-05:00

Dinnertime is funtime and also an outlet for artisitc expression!

Mashed potatoes are GREAT for smearing on ones head and eyes.

Little Miss Lovely posing for the camera.

Jack and my little sister Leah on the plane heading to Oklahoma.

And um.....my new hairdo. It looks kinda rough in this picture but hey, we can't be beautiful all the time!

I'll be adding Oklahoma pictures tomorrow. We got some great photos out there! Love to all!

The Sweetest Thang

2008-01-18T18:51:00.000-05:00

is listening to my babies playing nicely together. Giggling and having so much fun with each other. I really do appreciate the sweet times they share. They are so very few and far between.

Christmas Photos Part3

2008-01-03T09:51:00.000-05:00

Chloe in the bouncy house.

Baye looking like a deer caught in headlights!

Chloe's Barbie dress up fun from Grandpop

The bouncy house set up in the front room!

Christmas Photos Part 2

2008-01-03T09:40:00.001-05:00

Chloe opening her stocking.

Jack's new race track.

Chloe's HUGE Barbie case. A very needed item....Thank you Santa!

She looks a little scared of the Gingerbread Man, doesn't she?

Jacko in the bouncy house.

Christmas and Disney Photos Part 1

2008-01-03T09:29:00.001-05:00

Chloe and me taking a picture at Disney with one of the only characters that didn't have a line an hour long.

Jack and Chloe opening presents at my older sister's house the Sunday before Christmas.

My older sister, Stacey, my biological father and myself trying to pose for a picture. (Note my shaved head!)

Chloe first noticing her new bouncy house Christmas Morning. (It took her 5 full minutes to realize it was there!)

Jack eying his candy....this boy LOVES candy!

Update

2007-12-20T13:58:00.000-05:00

Things are much better.....going without medication is a no no. Bleh to the dependency on anti-depressants.

The Kind of Anxiety that Sours a Stomach

2007-12-16T09:22:00.000-05:00

Anyone that has been reading this blog for a long time and anyone who personally knows me, knows of the problems I have had in my marriage in the past. Those that know me are intimately aware of those problems and have been rejoicing for over a year now that things have been so good. You see, over a year ago The Huz and I separated and were well on our way to a divorce. We had lawyers and settlements were inches away as well signing our marriage away to nothingness. We had moments of amicable conversation but not very many and it was a very nasty, very hard time for me. For us both.

The Huz has issues with major depression and once he decided to confront that fact and seek help, he became a completely different person. A different husband and a different father. We decided to call off the divorce and see what happened. We took it slow and steady and made it work. It was bliss. I can't remember a time either one of us was ever this happy in our union. It was almost disgusting....to much mush and squish. I loved it.

Lately things have been getting bad again. It started with a situation that I cannot discuss here. It's not truly my story so I can't out it. I think it would really upset him. The feelings from this continued for me and my hurt was basically ignored. Cast aside and made to feel to me like they were inconsequential. I tried to put it behind me and move on. Then another situation happened, I wrote about it. The concert. Which alone isn't too big a deal but combined with the other....well, let's just say it made me feel worse.

My mom took the kids and I to Disney this weekend for Mickey's Very Merry Christmas. It's a special event in which they open the park from 7-midnight for this event. A day trip to Disney is tiring but a night trip? OMG! Exhausting. We got back to the hotel and in bed by 1:30-2 and didn't sleep very much at all. The kids were restless and we were back up at 7am on the road by 9am to go to a ladies luncheon with the girls from my family. Already being tired and sitting in the car for 2 plus hours does not make for happy kids. Especially when they are then expected to sit in a restaurant for an hour or more. To top this off I started my period which is always really hard for me. I cramp like a motherfucker and nothing truly helps.

Baye wasn't working because power was out in half of Jacksonville and the shop closed. I wasn't going to be home until 2pm so he and some of the guys from work came here and hung out. They apparently got rip roaring drunk. I called when I was on my way home to tell him to be ready to take over the parenting duties because I was feeling shitty. He agreed so when I got there I expected to be able to drop my stuff and head to bed. Notsomuch. He passed out on the couch and when I woke him up upset and questioned him about it, he got really pissed off at me. He said a lot of mean things and I reacted badly. We spent the remainder of the day and night not talking and we didn't talk today before he left for work.

This behavior, this energy, is so much like before and I am so very worried. A few days of a hump is understandable...but 3 weeks is BAD. Bad bad bad. And I am worried.

WalMart Haters of the World, Unite!

2007-12-14T10:38:00.000-05:00

One question about this corporation looms largest for me.
How in the hell did it become such a huge, multi-billion dollar corporation with the quality of employees they seem to consistently hire?
Ok...some more questions.
Why do they always only have 2-3 lanes open for a super store FULL of customers?
I have yet to go to one and wait in line less than 10 minutes. Usually the lines are 10 or more people deep with carts full to the brim with groceries. And. And. AND. The cashiers are S L O W.
Like molasses s l o w. Cold molasses. Can I repeat s l o w? Shit!! It is a very trying experience with two kids getting super impatient, screaming at the top of lungs and one that can't really be tied down anymore because she's just too big for the carts and she has to touch every single fucking thing in the crack aisle otherwise known as a checkout lane. Whew!
I hadn't been inside a WalMart for well over a year because of these same complaints but today it was the easiest (not in hindsight) place to stop for a few quick things. I will never ever never ever never ever go back.
That's not even mentioning the people who shop there. One lady stepped on my child and looked at me as if to say wtf? Watch your kid...hey lady. Why don't you watch where the fuck you're going? Another example. We were walking down an aisle big enough for two carts to easily pass one another and Chloe was walking next to the cart. Two women turned into the aisle coming our way so I asked C to walk in front of me and help me push so those nice ladies can go by. They were walking side by side and didn't so much as adjust anything to make the passing happen. They stayed side by side and I had to shove my cart up against a display so we didn't get mowed down. As they passed (of course I can't just keep my mouth shut) I said VERY loudly, THANKS FOR MOVING!! I got a lot of huffing and puffing in return.
This place should be called RudeMart. StoopidMart. CommunistMart.
I'll just call it FuckyouMart.

Oh My Goodness Gracious!

2007-12-13T17:32:00.000-05:00

The funnies just don't stop around here...

My daughter's new favorite "pretend" game is "pretending" to give herself and all other in our house new names and to "pretend" we are neighbors or whatever.

So far we have captain names.
C: Capt Cardiss
Me: Capt DryButt
Leah (my sister): Capt Lalalalola

Neighbor names
C: Maria, Janda, amongst other very strange sounding names with no vowels and some with no consonants.
Me: whatever name I choose which usually is "this again? I don't wanna plaaaay!"

Housekeeping names:
C: see above
Me: see above
Jack (newly inducted into the new name game) was just dubbed: Cha Cha Cha Chia!

Eh...Whatever

2007-12-11T20:48:00.000-05:00

So, I was all set Friday to do something. Anything. I originally had plans with a few girlfriends to do dinner, chick flicks and a sleepover which I was super excited about. Quality girl time is hard to come by these days and food and wine mixed with my favorite girls was just what I needed. Then Delaney called about the Blind Melon show and I was so torn! I so needed girl time but I also really wanted to go to the show. So did my huz...the hussy. Guess who went out? Guess who stayed home with the kids?

Yep. I stayed home.

Music for the Soul

2007-12-06T15:46:00.001-05:00

Blind Melon - Mouthful of Cavities

I have been in love with this band for quite awhile and have always wished I had had the opportunity to see them live before the lead singer, Shannon Hoon, overdosed. Their music is so powerful and the lyrics are just amazing. So strong and fearless. When I listen to any of their albums I am immediately transported to a self-reflective state of mind. One in which so many of my thoughts and feelings are being sang to me. Explained to me from a perspective I need but could never reach on my own.

I got a call today from my good friend Delaney that they will be playing in Tallahassee tomorrow night (with a new lead singer, of course...all other band members will be present). I'm feeling very split about this. While I would love to see them, I know it won't be the same without Shannon. His voice lent so much to the music and lyrics. Melded it all together.

Anyways..here's a clip from one of my favorite songs by them.

Layers

2007-12-01T16:42:00.001-05:00

It seems strange to me when a loved one dies that it feels like you are peeling off a layer of your life. Not taking them off and tossing them but folding them gently and placing them in a box for safe keeping along side your old photos and concert tickets.

My mom, my aunt, my cousins and myself cleaned out my Grandmas apartment today. Her life put into plastic bags and rubbermaid containers. Her clothes taken to be given to an older family member and her memories scattered between those of us there. There is something so raw, so hurtful about what we did today. The final straw in our hearts and minds. The final act of admitting she is not coming back. Her laugh no longer heard. Her smile never to grace us again.

What we have left lives in our hearts and minds. In our old shoe boxes stored in drawers and under our beds. While sad it is the future for us all. The layers of our lives peeled away.

If I Ignore it Will it Go Away?

2007-11-28T14:36:00.001-05:00

***This post does not mean I am in any way against religion nor is it meant to offend anyone who is religious. My parents are religious as are many people I call friends and I fully respect their's and anyone else's views on this topic. It is simply me venting about a particular situation. ***

Okay, some may say I am a nice person. I say sometimes too nice..also sometimes shitastically bitchy. I try really hard to be courteous and aware of other people as often as is humanly possible. Not doing so has bitten me ass a lot and I want to encourage courtesy in my kids. You know, to be the best they can be?

Anywho. A few months ago I was sitting on my front porch in the afternoon when a very cute little old lady drove into my driveway. She was adorable. She got out of her car and walked up. I thought she was going to ask for directions or attempt to sell me Avon or something. Instead, what I got was a bonafide witness for a local church. I've always been really good at moving these people off and away very quickly but this woman was just so cute, I couldn't stand being even slightly rude or dismissive to her. I let her talk to me for a while. I even let her quote some passages from the Bible before telling her I wasn't interested...not really religious, you see. She continued by asking me some pretty good questions about my family and my desires for their well being and spiritual happiness. I do desire for them to be spiritually fulfilled, I do desire morals and happiness for them. I just don't believe in organized religion and that route isn't what I want to take right now. When they get older and show curiosity, I will do my best to educate them.

She continued without taking any of my hints until nap time was over and kids were screaming for snacks. She has come back again and again. Usually at the most inopportune times like when I am weed eating the yard or bringing in groceries while trying to referee 2 children and she always expects me to stop what I am doing to talk to her. I am sick of it yet I still can't make myself be rude to her. I HAVE told her I'm not interested. I HAVE told her, NO I AM NOT GOING TO VISIT YOUR CHURCH! She just doesn't seem to get the point so my tactic lately has been, when she knocks on the door, I ignore. Hush the kids and ignore. She is a persistent bitty though. She knocks on the front door and rings the bell when she gets no answer, she goes to the back door and knocks for a time. I know she knows I'm home (it's impossible to keep a 4 yr old and a 1 yr old quiet!) so I think she would get the point....No answer, no way. Now go away!

I'm all for people representing their churches. It's cool if that's what you believe in and what you want to do. All I ask is to please not push it down my throat. It doesn't make me any more likely to swallow what you're spooning out. Sorry.

Of Mother and Child

2007-11-20T11:41:00.000-05:00

There is one moment in every mother's life when she fully realizes the ferocity of her love for her child. For some, this happens at birth and for others, it happens at a different point down the road but we all come to this realization with a crash. A quintessential turning point in our lives. It was as overwhelming for me then as it is for me now and I can imagine that fifty years down the road, I will be just as amazed.

My life with my mother has always been rough. We never got along and it's almost needless to say that we fought like cats and dogs for most of my teenage years. It was really only after I had given birth to Chloe that I knew how she could continue to love me through everything I put her through. How that love is unwavering and so strong. I gained a new respect for her and these days she is not only my mother but also my best friend. We talk every day, sometimes twice a day. I can't imagine living a day without her rooting for me, being my biggest fan, my confidante, my shoulder to cry on. She is my mom. The only one I will ever have.

My mom felt the same way about her mother. There were times my grandma would irritate her, piss her off beyond all belief but she was always her mother. The only one she would ever have. Watching my mom lose hers has been a very hard thing for me to do. The mortality of my loved ones has become shockingly clear and I find myself thinking daily about the time when I too will have to brace myself for the loss of my mom. I too will have to face a world without her. I can't imagine it but I know it will happen.

I feel so very special to have been able to witness some tender moments shared between my mom and grandma. Hands held, eyes eating each other up. Memorizing every detail. As if their faces weren't already firmly implanted in each others hearts and minds forever. I sat by my grandma's bed and watched her look at my mom with such love, such intensity. It reminded me of the way my mom looks at me sometimes. The way I look at my own children. This look reminded me of gazing at my newborn baby for the first time. It was so amazing and heartwarming, also so heart wrenching knowing this would be one of the last times they would be able to simply look at each other.

The strength of that bond which holds mother and child so closely together never loosens it's grip. Never falters. It is a bond that lasts through eternity.

A Quick Funny

2007-11-19T16:49:00.000-05:00

This past Friday, the kids and I were taking a long drive. Long drives with two kids are never truly fun...I define long drives as anything that lasts more than 30 minutes. Jack screamed awhile and finally gave it up to sleep while Miss Priss and I listened to some good music.....and her talk. and talk. and talk. and talk. She decided she wanted to sing, so I asked her what she song. Her response?

"What's wrong with your ass?"
Me: "Ummm. I don't think I know the words to that song. Next song please!"

Trying to regroup

2007-11-14T20:54:00.000-05:00

Things have been really insane lately. We had her viewing and funeral services last night and her graveside service this afternoon. I plan on writing a long post soon but I really need some time to emotionally regroup. My house is also in shambles since I've spent most of the last two weeks by her side. Lots of things need to be done around here...

R.I.P. Mary Geraldine Dorminey

2007-11-10T07:27:00.000-05:00

My Grannie passed away this away this morning around 12am. She slipped into a coma Thursday night and went peacefully. My Papa died almost 11 years ago and she has she has been grieving the love of her life since then. May she now rest peacefully, reunited with him.

Some New Decor Would Be a Good Thing

2007-10-26T18:57:00.000-05:00

In my self-imposed writing hiatus I think I'd like to revamp Woman on the Verge. Some freshness around here may be in order. Stay tuned.

Not Enough Cheese and Too Many Crackers

2007-10-25T13:22:00.000-05:00

I have been extremely MIA lately here on my blog. I haven't even been reading other peoples blogs very much which is odd for me. Usually even when I have no energy to write, I still find the time to read. Not so much lately.

I have been dealing with a lot around here and it takes everything I have just to get through each day. I've been clinically depressed for over a decade and I take medication for it sporadically. I don't like to be medicated all of the time and when I'm feeling good I go off the meds. I can usually be off of them for 1-2 years at a time before I feel a landslide coming down right on top of my head. I then pick up where I left off. Taking daily anti-depressants. It has worked for me for the last almost 5 years and I'm happy with the results. Unfortunately this landslide has come racing at me and has very effectively smothered my ass. We have no insurance until next month and the cost of seeing the doctor and getting a prescription is just too much money to come off of right now. So, I am suffocating. Actually I have a little straw pushed through the mud and grime and am able to at least take small shallow breaths.

Adding to this, I've been having some issues with Chloe's dad. I've gone into some detail in earlier posts. I don't feel like getting into it right now but it doesn't seem like it's going to be getting any better anytime soon. In fact, he has threatened to make things messy for me in court if I don't agree to do the things he has asked me to.

Also, my grandma was diagnosed as terminally ill last Friday. She only has a couple weeks to maybe a month to live. Hospice has been called in and we are all spending as much time with her as possible waiting for the day to come that she has no more breaths to take. It has been quite an experience watching my family pull together so tightly to support one another. Watching my mom cope with the fact that she is losing her mom in so short a time has been extremely difficult for me. I've been trying to be as supportive as I possible, giving her all of the love and attention she needs right now. It's going to be so rough for her. I can't imagine my life without my mother in it. I know it will happen some day but thinking about what that will be like is too much. I can't imagine what she's actually going through.

We are all rallying round each other and really just being there for one another.

I may not be around much in the next couple of weeks. I really need to get my head on straight and deal with these family things.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

2007-10-17T08:34:00.000-05:00

There are times when I feel Chloe is lucky to have to have two dads. She gets twice the fun dad stuff, twice the good dad discipline, twice the daddy love. Since Scott has started playing a bigger part of her life, that is. Our family has a very interesting dynamic that can be lots of fun. Her dad's girlfriend has a little girl and we all make quite an effort be parental to all of the kids when we hang out. Not just our own. I treat her child like my own. When Chloe is with them and I call her, I also talk to Sasha. When she is at my house, I treat her like one of my kids. The same goes for them with Jack. It's very interesting to watch us all interact with one another in these situations. It's great that we can all be friends and have such a good working (actually it goes beyond working) relationship with each other. It's the best thing for all our children. I would hate for Sasha or Jack to feel left out or second best. It has taken many years to get here and there have been many times that I thought it would all crumble away but we have managed to keep it together.

There is also bad sides to this story. Co-parenting isn't an easy thing to do. I've written posts about this in the past and I am reminded constantly how much stress and heartache can be caused in this.

The main reason I am staying at home with the kids is that we were paying $300/week for childcare. Eww. It made no sense to continue paying what is essentially the salary of one person in most families. Chloe's dad has been pushing to get her into preschool for a while now. I told him he should be responsible for finding one since it was so important to him. He thinks she is behind in education. She just turned four and I'm sorry but she has two more years before she enters kindergarten. She isn't behind. He doesn't agree with the "a kid needs to be a kid" philosophy. He thinks she needs to be grinding the education wheel by now and that she needs to not only be able to write her full name but to be able to read very well. She's only just turned four! I don't want her to be behind either but I seriously don't think she's going to be. He's been a huge ass pain about this so I put the ball in his court.

He found a great school nearby but the tuition is $600/month. The school offers scholarships and they can take off a considerable amount but he expects Baye and I to foot the remaining tuition costs. It's not something we can really afford and I don't feel I'm wrong when I say Scott should pay for some of the tuition as well. He feels otherwise. He told me today that since he pays me an "enormous" (haha!) amount of money each month, I should have no problems footing the bill. He told me she couldn't possibly cost that much each month. He actually has no clue whatsoever what it takes monthly to raise a child, especially when he wants that child in extracurricular activities that cost money and a private school. Baye is being pig headed about the situation, as is Scott. No one is willing to give and I am stuck between each one as the middle man. Both getting mad at me for relaying information that I haven't even been able to have an opinion on! Neither one is willing to listen to me on this, with both thinking they are right and I am bad, bad, bad! Fuckers!!

So, needless to say, I will be sitting down and working a tight budget and also having some serious talks with both of them. Ech.

Let's Start Sharing!

2007-10-11T06:27:00.000-05:00

Alright everyone, let's get it together and start sharing some recipes here on my recipe blog! So far I have one contribution from Becca over at the Smoochy house and one from myself. I have a ton of recipes (mostly in my head and measurements don't mean all that much to me) but I'm also looking for some great food ideas from all of you other moms out there. I know your kids eat too! Let's start sharing!

Ahem...sister-in-law aka Crazy Gourmet Lady, that also means you.

Also, if you like gourmet cheese, you can go to the Ile De France web page to enter a sweepstakes to win a gourmet cheese basket. The link takes you right to the sweepstakes page. Go cheese!
Anyways, give me some recipes guys.

Oh Baby....

2007-10-09T07:24:00.000-05:00

I have been quietly obsessing over here about having another baby. Any time the topic of pregnancy comes up and I get that wistful longing look on my face, I get the "two's more than enough, Summer! Could you really handle a third?" The answer to that is, yes. I could and I want to. I want. I want to. I want to! As much as I may have complained while pregnant about being uncomfortable, I loved it. Loved being pregnant. I love giving birth and more importantly, I absolutely LOVE being a mom.

I have been having very vivid dreams about being pregnant again. I've mentioned to the Hubz these feelings and he first responded with "I can see how that could be." then a laugh and an "um...okay..." Which translates to me to be "you are fucking crazy! No way!"

When I was pregnant with J, we had a lot of problems and he made the decision to have a vasectomy. He said he didn't want any more kids and our relationship was so unstable, he didn't want to risk another pregnancy under the same conditions. I was against it and tried my best to dissuade him against taking such action. He made the appointment for right after J was born so he could take time off to be home with me and the new baby. I tried throughout the months to talk him out of it. I knew that I would want another child eventually and understanding him the way I do, I knew he probably would too. I'm ready now and I'm so sad that it will probably never happen....

The strangest thing about my wanting another child is that I never wanted one at all. I decided a long time ago that I was way too selfish and self centered to ever be a good mother. I liked my wild lifestyle and wasn't even remotely interested in changing it. That was until I accidentally got pregnant. **I say accidentally but she is NOT an accident!** It was unexpected and at first unwelcome but while I am pro-choice for every woman out there, I am pro-life for myself. Having an abortion is not a choice I would be able to make for myself so I was pregnant and having a baby. It hit me so suddenly one day. The extreme joy of being pregnant. I was overwhelmed and in love with the baby growing inside me. That love has never faltered and it changed my views on motherhood so dramatically. I was ready and would do everything I could to be a good mom. Her birth and being her mommy made me realize just how much I could be.

We talked about having another baby for a few months and decided we should try when she was a little over a year. I knew I wanted them to be close in age and by the time she was 18 months old, we were pregnant with J.

I so want another baby!! I just don't think it's going to happen. Blech...Maybe it will. We'll see.

Sorry....

2007-10-06T19:00:00.001-05:00

I haven't gotten around to posting birthday pictures yet. I know, I suck. What can you do? They will be up soon.

A Post to Vent Before the Disney Post

2007-10-03T16:38:00.000-05:00

I started the week with the expectation of Lil Miss Priss coming home from her extended stay in Orlando with her dad with an extreme attitude brought on by exhaustion. She got home late Monday night and after an easy bed time, I readied myself for the following days antics. They never came. At least they never came yesterday. Today now is a different story.

She crawled into bed with us at around 1am. A pretty normal thing. She likes to sleep with us and after we have gotten to sleep I have no problem with her coming to snuggle up for the remainder of the night. The only real issue with it, is that she doesn't sleep well sandwiched between me, Hubs and kitty. Charvin being the main culprit of restless nights due to his incessant need for head cuddling at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, and so on. This is no regular head cuddle either. It is an in your face with LOUD purrs, a biscuit making contest in your hair, with a final wrap around your head to position himself just so that his mouth is in your ears to purr and drool. Lots and lots of fucking drool. It's similar, I assume, to be licked in your ear by a St. Bernard. All night long.

Anyways. Not getting a good nights sleep royally fucks up her Highness's day. *She would like to not require a lot of sleep. Hell, she would like to not require it at all but unfortunately for her, she does. So the list goes: Three days at Disney, home late the last night, extreme excitement over a new bike last night, rough sleep last night and an early (730am) wake up. (not early for her...she's usually up at the ass crack of freakin dawn. See * above to explain.) I think she feels she might miss something exciting at 11pm or 7am. Nothing to see here folks! Just a couple of "old marrieds" snoring away. Sorry, I digress. Again.

The result of all these things is her acting like a complete maniac. Thinking she can tell me "no" in a not nice at all tone of voice. Feeling compelled to argue everything like she's a lawyer in a high profile murder trial. And above all, the whining that accompanies these moods. I can do the "no" thing. I can argue like anyone's business. But the whining? I can't deal. It pushes this button in my head that causes a relentless screaming siren. She whined pretty much all day long and when she starts, Jack starts. She cries, he cries. One temper, two temper, three temper, four. Which one of my kids will be the first to hit the floor.

So, here I sit with a bottle of red wine-Miss Priss exits the building, asks for a snack. Me: "Did you eat all your dinner? (A long standing rule. To get a snack, must eat all of your dinner)
C: " No. Yes. I just wanna s n a c k....." Me " If you didn't eat your dinner, you don't get a snack." C: "But I want one. I was tired at dinner. Now I'm hungry." Me: "I'm sorry. You should have eaten your dinner." C: "Well I'm getting a snack right now" The hell you are. This literally JUST happened. There's more to the dialogue but I'm just too mentally exhausted to go on. So I won't.

Disney pics tomorrow. I promise.

A Letter to Chloe

2007-09-30T17:45:00.000-05:00

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY CHLOE!!

We made it another year!! Hooray for us baby girl! I can't believe 4 years ago today (almost to the exact time) you made your way into this world....what a revolutionary day for me. To be honest with you sweetheart, every day with you is revolutionary. It's been an unbelievable experience having you in my life. You have become such a dynamic little girl. An amazing transformation from the helpless infant I first held in my arms. Oh how I wish for those days again at times! To hold you, so small and so new again but I truly love watching you grow up. Seeing you come into your own, becoming so much more your own person everyday. I am amazed by your strength, in how you look at life head on and confront any and everything that comes your way. The way you size things up, making sense of them in your head and then tackling it. Your tenacity. Your headlong approach to life. I hope with everything in me that those qualities never go away. They are such assets to you and I'm thankful for them in you. (Even if they cause me so very many frustrating moments in my day!)

I look at you, my love, and I see so many possibilities for you. I see so much beauty, inside and out. I stand in awe of you, of the future that lays out ahead of you. Whatever you choose to do with your life, I know you will be something special. You are the future. A heavy thing, I know, but a truly great place to be. It will take you and others like you, in your generation to make this world a better place. I hope I'm doing my part as your mom to see that future unfold for you.

I love you, Chloe. I love you so much that I don't know what to do with all of this love at times. I feel like I may burst open, explode. You have changed my life so drastically, so beautifully. I'm just so thankful I get to be a part of yours.

Love,
Mommy

**I will be posting pictures and stories from our trip to Disney Land for her birthday tomorrow!**

We Should Show A Little Mercy

2007-09-28T08:09:00.001-05:00

There have been a lot of things going on in my extended family recently. Health things and family matters/problems that have really made me sit back and think about the choices we make as individuals. How those choices reflect on our lives for years to come and how those choices affect other people in our lives.

For instance, take my Grandmother. She has battled breast cancer resulting in a radical mastectomy at a very young age, she has been battling diabetes for nearly thirty years, along with high blood pressure, heart problems and a gamut of other health issues. She underwent a surgical procedure last night to prevent her from having another big stroke. She has over the last few months been suffering from a series of small strokes which is caused by her carotid artery being clogged. The diminished blood flow has also been causing her to have seizures and periods of blackouts. She has had seizures recently that caused her to blackout and fall, coming to laying on her kitchen floor or in the bathroom. She lives alone and these episodes are extremely dangerous and life-threatening. She has been in and out of hospitals for going on four years to deal with her expanding heath problems and her health just keeps getting worse. If it's not one thing, it's something else. Needless to say, this whole experience has caused a lot of stress to my family. My mom, my aunt and uncle, and her grandkids. We're all worried sick about her and are trying to find ways to keep her healthy and alive for as long as possible. The problem is, it's going to take work on her part and she proven in the past that she has no desire to make better health choices for herself to keep these things from happening to her. She has chosen not to get out and exercise. She has chosen to not eat healthier meals. She has chosen to abuse prescription painkillers. Moreover, she has chosen to refuse the help she so needs from friends and family. All of the choices she has made in the past years have greatly affected not only her but all of the people involved in her life. Now we, as her family, are left to pick up the pieces of a situation she has created with her decisions.

While at the hospital last night (which I will say is NO fun with two small kids!) my cousin disappeared with her estranged husband for big chunks of time. He is estranged from our family for very good reasons, which I cannot get into here. She has been contemplating getting back into a relationship with him even though she knows the consequences of that decision. The loss of her family is the biggest consequence I can imagine. My uncle, her dad, has been sick as well. Hodgkin Lymphoma which is curable if caught in time. This is the last thing my aunt needs from her daughter right now. With her mom and her husband very ill, my aunt needs her daughters to be strong and supportive. Not making decisions that have the potential to devastate her further.

With all of these things going on, I've really been thinking about choices we make. The choices I've made in the past that have affected my family in some seriously harsh ways. Things that I still deal with today. I have to say, it's really difficult for me look at them and have much pity. They continue to blame other people and other "things out of their control" for their problems. I say, take responsibility for the choices you've made. After all, you did at one time think it was the right thing to do. Own it and if it was a bad decision try to make it right. Knowing that you are responsible for your own destiny is an empowering and beautiful thing!

I've made my share of bad decisions. I KNOW that and I use the the experiences I have to make better my future better. I don't want to repeat the same bad choices over and over again. I do not like being stuck in a rut going round and round in circles. What's there to gain by that? If we open our eyes and our minds to what life has given us and what we have done with those gifts, we can make our lives better. We can learn from the past and make something beautiful for ourselves and our families.

I can't remember...

2007-09-26T09:50:00.000-05:00

ever being so tired in my life. Well, that's not exactly true. After Jack was born and didn't sleep...ever ever, I was more tired than ever in my life but this rivals it. I've been eating healthy and taking good vitamins, I just haven't been sleeping well at all and the kids are so damn energetic. They never stop!

Jack had a doctors appointment today which went really well. He's healthy as a horse and smart as hell. She was amazed by his energy. His communication skills. Mostly his energy. Lil Miss was in rare form today, sitting quietly reading books while he was getting checked out. The only time she got upset was when the doctor was checking out his penis and balls. He did not like that at all, the squeezing of his testicles and neither did Chloe. She told the doctor to leave her brothers pee pee alone, those are HIS private parts ya know....Glad to see my genital education is paying off! Ha ha!!

I've just had to cease giving them baths together which really cramps my schedule but hey, I knew it would happen eventually. She's very good about not grabbing and poking him anymore. It's him. He has recently learned the word for that body part and is very demonstrative and vocal about it. He also has realized his sisters is different than his and likes to poke at hers so...no more together bath time.

I've been feeling stir crazy lately. I've realized how much I need to find some mommy friends with similar interests and ideas as me. I've had some bad experiences at play groups and even at parks trying to meet new mommy friends and play friends for the kids. I'm just not into spending time with competi-mommies and women who, well you know. Those kinds of women. It's not a need just for me but for my kids as well. I've checked out different websites for groups around town, gone to the park to "pick" them up...what else can I do? Any suggestions?

Update

2007-09-13T11:25:00.000-05:00

to this post. The stay in your room until it's clean ploy worked! She stayed in her room today until noon when she came out proclaiming a clean room...yay!

All I have to say is....

2007-09-12T17:31:00.000-05:00

thank goodness for daddy's that come home from work with the makings of dirty martinis and take the kids straight away to the bathtub. Amen.

Having One of THOSE Weeks

2007-09-12T15:37:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. It's only Wednesday and I'm already having a bad week.....bad news. It's one of those weeks where the days are running together with the constant cleaning, cooking, ass-wiping, laundry,book reading, hostage negotiator. You get the point. I could say I'm bored but can I really be bored with all of the above mentioned to tend to daily? The answer is...yes. Yes I can. Especially since I've been trying to get Hurricane Chloe to clean her room all week.

Let me tell you. I'm so close to giving up on trying to get her to keep it clean. I have tried EVERYTHING. I have bagged up toys and stored them in the garage, she and I have bagged up toys to take to Salvation Army to donate (she hated that), she has sat in her room for a full day only coming out to eat just so she would clean her room! Nothing has worked. My latest attempt involves not going anywhere or doing anything even remotely fun until her room is clean. It has not worked. We have sat here all week staring at each other while I tell Jack very loudly that we wouldn't have to be bored if Chloe would just clean. her. room.

She is old enough to do it. In fact she does a great job when she finally decides to. It apparently just takes an act of God because nothing I do or say has any effect whatsoever. That pretty much sums up my thoughts on that.

I am very curious how so many stay-at-home mom's keep from going bat shit crazy. Is it a day packed full of adventure so the kids are always entertained? I would love to do that but right now it's so insanely hot the only outside activity that's even somewhat bearable is swimming and in 95-100 degree temps even that is miserable. Pool water is like bath water in Florida.

I've become a little disgruntled with the monotony of my days recently. It is probably largely the fault of my self-imposed exile. But seriously...how do we do it day in and day out? Day in and day out without losing our sanity? I'm having a difficult time with it. Don't get me wrong. I love being able to stay home with my kids. Do I love every second, every minute of it? Hell no! But I do love it on a whole. They're amazing kids and wildly entertaining with their antics...they certainly keep me laughing!

I don't know..this was mostly just a rant to unleash some pissiness.

The Start of Something New

2007-09-09T07:47:00.000-05:00

Since I have such a love for food and cooking, I have decided to start a recipe blog. Recipe Share.
I love cooking so much and get in the kitchen with a pile of ingredients, not knowing what I'm going to make and oila! Something good is created! I thought it would be cool to start a site where we can all go to answer that annoying question...what am I going to cook for dinner tonight? Here we can share recipes we love and new ones we find! Sounds cool, huh?
Okay...start sharing!

Recent Pictures

2007-09-08T18:45:00.000-05:00

Chloe giving her baby "booby" milk! Too cute!

My wild woman! Check out that frizz....

The most adorable face...evah evah!

Being a big boy....he always has to do it himself
first!

So sweet...well looks can be deceiving.

Is the government TRYINg to ruin the future for our children?

2007-09-07T16:56:00.000-05:00

What with all of the Mattel toy recalls lately due to lead based paint and such and now this, which is something all mothers who are bottle feeding their babes should read now. It's truly frightening to me that the government who is supposed to be setting the standards for toys and well everything we consume, is allowing this to happen. I'm incredulous and more than a little worried. This is our children we're talking about here, not ourselves or our pets (as much as they are a part of our family, we did not give birth to them). Our kids. So what, do we boycott Mattel and the makers of those bottles? How are we to fight this and let manufacturers know that we won't stand for our children being poisoned....for their development to be challenged by the products they use to make toys that our toddlers stick in their mouths every chance they get and by the baby bottles we use to give our babies sustenance. What the fuck is going on?

MY Issues with Co-Parenting

2007-09-04T10:58:00.000-05:00

This is the first day my daughter has been back from spending the long weekend with her dad, his girlfriend and her 9 yr old daughter. Usually, after a weekend with them she is returned to me exhausted and cranky from being dragged around, taken off of her schedule and long late night road trips to and from West Palm Beach. A 4-5 hour drive depending on traffic and speed. These are all issues that I am not only well aware of, I am 100% accepting of them. It's hard but normal and I can deal with it. What I'm having issue with is NOT normal, at least in the scope of my limited experience.

Scott and I try very hard to be consistent with our discipline and expectations...at least we are every time we talk about it. I am always up front and honest about how I feel things should be done and I am open to trying new things. I'm open to his thoughts and ideas. Hell, I believe we all could use some "outside" help at times. Different perspectives can be so very helpful when dealing with children. I get that even though we have open communication, there will always be some differences in how we interact with her. I feel certain things are unacceptable and he doesn't. It goes both ways. I'm not the only parent out there dealing with this and I guess I need some help.

My biggest problem so far has been returning attitude. His girlfriend has a 9 yr old daughter with more than her fair share of sass. I think overall she's a great kid. Smart and funny. I think there's a great deal Chloe could learn from her. And she is learning from her. The good and the bad. She always come back to me with a 9 yr olds attitude. A smart mouth (smarter than usual) and body language I'm not prepared to deal with yet. She treats me like I'm beneath her, talks down to me and has an endless supply of smart ass retorts for everything I say. I ask her to do something and she grunts at me. When I reprimand her for it and send her on her way, she mutters under her breath. She's being completely disrespectful to her brother. Using her older age and larger size to intimidate him. I understand siblings will fight and she will use those things regardless but this is in a way.....it's purely mean. I cannot understand that nor will I accept it as par for the course. Treating people like shit is NEVER okay in my house. NEVER. I teach equality and understanding. Compassion and love. Not ever an "I'm better than you" attitude. It makes me angry that I have to deal with this kind of reprogramming every time she comes back. It takes me weeks to get her back. It flabbergasts me that it only takes a few short days to undo everything I've worked so hard for 4 yrs to instill in her. She's seriously like 2 different kids. If I didn't witness it first hand, I probably wouldn't believe it.

So, here I am. The first day having her back and I am stresses beyond belief. I missed her so much and all I want to do is snuggle her and love her but she's making it so hard.

Is this normal? Do you think it's them? Me? Just the natural unbablancing of having two families? Two lives? I need some perspective here. I also need to talk to Scott about this but before then I need to know what should be expected in this situation. If I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. It certainly doesn't feel like a mole hill to me.....

I had to

2007-08-29T12:59:00.000-05:00

I was over reading at Dad Gone Mad, this post specifically and came across this comment.

"Speaking as a submarine sailor, I consider myself well versed in the art of flowery language. There is a difference between obscenity and profanity. For those who don't know the difference; obscenities are something you wouldn't say around your mother or grandmother - but profanities are what she utters when she is really mad."-Sonarman

I found this comment so funny, I almost pissed myself I laughed sooo hard! Thanks for making me laugh!!

And the Stink Goes On...

2007-08-24T13:43:00.000-05:00

I must confess (I have probably confessed this dozens of times on this blog) that I never truly realized what a frantic pace mothering would be. Never really thought about it actually. Got pregnant. Had baby. Got pregnant again. Had another baby. Frantic life ensues and just when I think it can't possibly get crazier than this (and no, I am not preggers again), the pace picks up.

Little Miss I Have Sass for your Ass has taken a no prisoners outlook on life right now. She is almost 4 (next month) and going through a very strenuous, for me, change. She hit the terrible twos early, ok, I thought, I can deal with a child that screams for anything and everything louder than foghorns. I can deal with tantrums and biting. I cannot deal with The Sass and The Whys. It has taken over and OMG! I seriously feel like some Exorcist shit is going on over here.

Anyway, a really funny thing happened today. I picked my Grams up to take her to the eye doctor, we went out for lunch (BBQ) and on to doctor's office. Once we were in the exam room, Chloe had to sit on my lap...remember, we had BBQ for lunch. She straddled my legs and sat calmly for all of like 10 seconds and she started fidgeting. Lean to the left. Now to the right. Now slide your butt, up to mom's face. Now down again. Now fart. Loudly. Yep. Not just a little one either. One that lasted a good while with little bumps. BBBPH.bmp bmp bmp BBBPH. bmp bmp bmp. And oh the stench. It filled up the room. It stuck to my pants. It made my eyes water and my nose run. All I could do was laugh hysterically while trying to choke out to her to please not do that again. She looked at me with big brown eyes and loudly proclaimed, "I farted!" As if everyone in the room didn't already know.

I have no patience

2007-08-23T12:37:00.000-05:00

The Simpson's thing was cute but took waaaay too long to load on my page. I had to wait like 30 or more seconds to even start scrolling down! I deleted it because I cannot wait that long. It irritated me and I have enough in my life to irritate me so I got rid of it. There's enough cuteness here anyways without some bug-eyed Simpson's characters be bopping around. Don't believe me? Scroll down....

OMG!

2007-08-17T06:58:00.000-05:00

Go read this over at Weird Girl. She's hilarious. Absolutely...one blog I really enjoy reading.

I am convinced

2007-08-16T07:14:00.000-05:00

Chloe is deliberately trying to sabotage my sanity. I am also convinced she will be successful.

Just some quick updates

2007-08-15T15:32:00.000-05:00

Everything is well here besides the Grand Canyon size fissure I feel has been made in my my mind and spirit lately due to large quantities of stress. The babes are wonderful. They are definitely consistent in their attempts for world domination starting with our house. One at a time...that's my motto. They are quite a team, those two. I don't stand a chance in hell around here these days! I gave two of my friends a ride today to the mechanics and to work and back this afternoon, after only a 20 minute ride they were winded and completely astounded that I do this not only daily but ALL day long. I too am amazed sometimes by my ability to do this.

The child support thing has been handled. It is finally done and while I thought I would find some peace of mind in it's completion, I haven't. C's dad is unhappy with the results and I see the past 4 years of trying to make this work sliding right through my fingers. I have attempted to talk to him since unsuccessfully. I don't want to give up on this but at the same time.....how much more can I be expected to do?

Both of my grandmothers are sick. One is out of the woods for now with a change of medication (she was taking too many different kinds of pills). Big surprise, right? The other has been acting really strange lately. Forgetting where she has put things. She's lost all of her pots and pans, her cookie sheets, multiple bags of dog food. Her speech is getting increasingly slurred. We thought maybe she was taking too many pain pills at first but as time has gone on it's gotten to be really alarming and at a Dr.'s appt Monday he said she was probably having a series of mini strokes. Because she has had 2 big ones in the past she is on medication to prevent them and there isn't much else they can do at this point. My uncle upon initial examination is suspected to have Hodgkins Disease. They are running more tests now to find out for sure. Gaah!!!!

Like I said before, Grand Canyon size fissure.

Update

2007-08-07T08:29:00.000-05:00

I am updating this post. Go read, then read this.

Ok..done? Proceed.

We have reached an agreement between the two of us. One that I feel is fair for all parties. He thinks it's a lot of money but really the alternative is, we go to a judge and he gives me even more. We have a hearing tomorrow to set everything up through the state but now, instead of it being a fight or whatever, we can go in and say we have agreed upon this amount with these terms. The judge will verify and sign the papers and we will be done.

I can't wait.

Huh?

2007-08-02T08:06:00.000-05:00

I sit here this morning at the table with the kids eating a breakfast that consists of half a bagel each, six strawberries, a hard-boiled egg and an extra large glass of milk......um yeah, my kids are like pigs or something. When Chloe asks me
"Mama, how did the egg crack?"
"What do you mean?"
She then holds the egg up with a very serious look and repeats (gesturing with said egg)
"How did this egg crack?"
"Well, do you mean how did it crack in the pot? Or when I peeled it? Or maybe you mean through the white to get to the yolk..?"
To which she says
"Uh huh."
I am once again left to ponder the question, what in the hell is she talking about? That pretty much seems to be the theme around here these days. She talks incessantly about things which only half make sense, not because of her lack of vocabulary, but because she gets so ahead of herself in her mind that she stutters through most words in her sentences. It takes her FOREVER to get out a question sometimes and by the time she's done, I've forgotten exactly what we were talking about. Very confusing and I'm trying to get her to slow down some and concentrate on what she wants to say. She may need some speech therapy at some point but I'm hoping this is just a phase and her speaking skills will catch up to her racing mind. And then there's Jack.....who IS saying something and I CAN understand some of it. If I listen really close. He also talks incessantly. It's actually really funny to see them trying to talk over each other.

Cuteness abounds here at Casa de la Petit Dictators. Cuteness and madness...you know the crazy kind.

I Said No, and I Mean IT!

2007-08-01T13:22:00.000-05:00

So, why is it that I cannot say no. I mean I do say it, but no one seems to hear it. That's actually like not saying it. If it goes unheard was it ever said? My children ignore it even if I scream it at the top of my lungs. I mean, I know they hear it but they ignore the fact that I'm saying it. Does that mean it wasn't said? Come on! Somebody listen to me around here! I'm a person too you know! Or am I?

Okay, case in point. Last night, I was tired. Beat down, having my period, cramping, got ran over by kids all day tired. Said to the Mr. "I'm exhausted. I've been cramping all day, feeling like shit. The kids were good but they are still kids so I'm freakin exhausted. I'm taking a bath and reading a book and going to sleep." He's all like, "okay baby, let me know if I can anything for you." He then proceeds to stay up for a while and when he comes to bed, it's with an enormous hard-on. Strips off his pants and hops in bed, scooting up really close to me trying to rub it on me! "Um.....did you hear the part about bleeding? And TIRED! Get that thing away from me!" "But your legs are so sexy and you're wearing those super hot polka dot panties. I can't help it." "Well I'm sorry I'm so smokin hot. You still are not getting any ass tonight. Move to your side of the bed and leave me the fuck alone." "But baby...." "No." "But baby..." "No." "But baby I..." "I said no motherfucker and if you but baby me one more fucking time you will be sleeping on the couch for a fucking week. You are seriously starting to fucking irritate me, NOW GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" Do you think he got the point? Noooo, of course not. He continued to pester me until he got bored and fell asleep trying to hump my leg.

See what I mean?

Picture Fix

2007-08-01T08:48:00.000-05:00

Jack playing dress-up with Chloe. I'm sure he'll be thrilled by this when he's 15!
Looking at the canal at Auntie C's.
Lovin on the Timber. He had so much patience with them!
Auntie C and a sleeping Jack snuggle.

We had a blast on our mini vacation. It was great to be able to spend time with Auntie Chloe. We actually planned to do all kinds of fun things but unfortunately Lil Miss decided acting like a raving lunatic was just sooo much cooler than doing anything fun! While it would have been great to get out and see the sights, it was also wonderful to just hang out. Thank you Auntie Chloe and Uncle David for such a great time! We will be back as soon as we can....

The Lowdown on the Showdown

2007-07-17T06:40:00.000-05:00

It's been an interesting week here at casa de la petit dictators. Getting settled in as a stay-at-home mom. Getting a schedule and trying to make peace with the fact that 80% of my conversations will from now on be with two people under 3 feet tall. It's been wonderful being here with them and I'll be honest...it's also been hard. Usually by 5-6 o'clock, I am exhausted and ready for a break. The Mr. has been working 6 days a week and with him having only one day off, I have only one day off, so.....needless to say. ARG!!

Onto other things. We are leaving(the kids and I) for Miami tomorrow afternoon for 6 days...yay! Vacation! I am so looking forward to this trip, for the time away and the good food I'm sure to eat. The beautiful people I can ogle at the beach and the relaxation of my sister-in-laws house. Not looking forward to a six hour drive with two kids by myself, but hey. It will be worth it.

Ok. Now the Lowdown. Over two years ago I started a case with the state for child support against Chloe's dad. It took a year for anything to happen and when I say anything, that is exactly what I mean. A full year to process the application and send out financial affidavits. Another full year to process those and finally two months ago I received and proposed final order. Saying that with his income he should be paying me X amount of dollars each month, with tens of thousands owed in back support and he must carry insurance on her. He has been paying me less than half of what the state says he should pay. He has never carried insurance on her. He has only given extra help twice when things were tough. I have asked numerous times. We have had MANY conversations about child support and I have tried very hard to make him aware of what any judge would rule if we went to court. I'm a reasonable person and don't want to take him to cleaners but he has never heeded my warnings and now he has major sticker shock. Sorry? Oh well? I told you so? In any case we have a hearing in front of a judge in August to determine the outcome and the set support. A final order will FINALLY be put in place after two long years of this business. I'm so ready for it to be over.

My biggest fear with this is that the relationship I have worked so very hard to build with him is going to come crashing down. Money is a nasty business and the issue of child support probably the nastiest of any of it. I have made life so easy for him over the last four years and have bent over backwards trying to push him in the right direction towards a better relationship with his daughter at the sacrifice of myself. So many things I've wanted to say to him and have kept my mouth shut in order to keep around for her. Last night his girlfriend dropped Chloe off at home and we stayed up until 12:30 am talking about everything that has been going on. She has been a single mother since 19 and has had a rough go of it with her daughter's dad. She tells Scott constantly how good he has it with me and if it were her, she would have been making his life hell. She reminds him that he has never walked a day in my shoes and all of the complaining he does about me is bullshit. That his saying I can bitchy is ridiculous, I have every right to be bitchier. To be meaner. To be downright hateful for all of the fucked up things he has put me through. You know what I say to that? You can take this little amount of bitch I give you and shove it up your ass. There is so much more bitch where that came from and you are lucky I haven't let it out. I could make his life miserable so easily and have chosen not to for the sake of my little girl. So...fuck off.

**Sorry for the tangent, just irritated after talking to her about this last night**

I refuse to be the bad guy in this. I will not be. I have tried too hard for too long to make this work to let anything screw it up. Even him. He says he has no desire for this situation to get ugly. He wants something set in stone as much as I do. But is it possible? Can we make it to the finish line of this without it becoming a disaster? God, I hope so.

On a lighter note: Yesterday we were swimming with my girlfriend Sara, talking about the trip to Miami and how excited we are.
Sara to Chloe: So, you're going to visit your Auntie in Miami?
C: No we're going to my mommy's Ami.
I guess my talking about MIami translated to her meant me saying My Ami. As in mine. The mommy's. How freakin adorable!

Sometimes......

2007-07-07T19:10:00.000-05:00

you need to be reminded to remember. I, as a mother of two very active children, need to be reminded. To be told, "hey! Stop for a minute, enjoy this moment. Capture it. Remember it. This will only happen once." They're right. It does. All of these amazing things my kids say and do....they will eventually be folded away into a distant, but safe, part of my brain. They won't be memories that surface often. Maybe not for years and thinking about that, makes me feel like crying. It makes me want to hold on so tightly to everything they do, from the sweet whispers good morning to the hours long questioning I get daily. Jack's pudgy hand in mine as I lead him to his room for nap. Him knowing where he's going, not liking it but grasping my hand and following me anyways. Sometimes leading the way. Chloe's enthusiasm for playing Princess Housekeeping. "I am the princess, mommy and you are the queen. I can make you a snack then we can dance. Will you dance with me mommy?" Her belief that I am the most beautiful, special person in the entire world. "Mommy, can I tell you sumptin.....? You are so special, the best mommy ever and you make the best chicken. I love you." I never realized how those words would make me feel. How they could be so stop you in your tracks words. So strong and so special.

There are certainly times when it gets hard. When they are both acting like wild beasts, crying, no, screaming, throwing tantrums, throwing food, fighting with each other that I find myself wishing they were older. Wishing to just survive this, but I am reminded that even though it's tough now, it will still be tough when they are eight and thirteen and even twenty-five. That I signed up for a lifetime of tough but also a lifetime of the most amazing moments. Moments and memories that will be to me like an newspaper clipping found at the bottom of a keepsake box, wrinkled and faded but still so poignant. So special to me.

What seems absolutely crazy to me is that after a long day with them, I am wishing like hell for bedtime. For that chance to unwind and have a glass of wine. Once they are down and sleeping, dreaming of chocolate and swimming pools, I miss them. I want to go wake them up and kiss them one more time. Hold them close to me and apologize for wanting time to myself. For not enjoying every second with them. I know it's really impossible to do that. To enjoy every second, every moment and every smile but I want like hell to remember all of it.

I have come to truly understand the meaning of bittersweet.

Slight change of plans....

2007-07-03T08:32:00.000-05:00

Well, it looks like I may not be going to Boston in August after all. I have been working at a restaurant, waiting tables for a number of months now and after a short time there they put me in as the daytime shift leader. Basically being in charge of making sure things run smoothly during the day, bossing people around, etc, etc. Anyone who has worked in the service industry knows that in order to make the cash you have to close lunches or work nights and since I won't work until 4am because of my kids I needed to close lunches. Blah blah blah....Unfortunately at this place, even closing lunch wasn't cutting it, so I informed the management that unless something changed they would need to look for a new daytime shift bitch. They decided to give me a raise making almost 7/hr plus tips. The regular pay for servers is about 3.50/hr. So, I decided to stay on to see if that made it worthwhile. They never gave me my raise. I waited 3 weeks for it to show up on my paychecks and it never happened. So, screw them. I was essentially working to pay for daycare. Certainly nothing more considering the fact that I couldn't even afford to pay the daycare most weeks. (Hello $280/wk for two kids!) Too much stress and no way to alleviate it. So I quit. I am once again a stay-at-home mommy. Great in a way. I have wanted to stay home with them since I had to go back to work but financial stress made it impossible. That's just the way things go sometimes I guess. Thankfully things are looking up and we can afford for me to be home without too much stress and worry over money. We will just have to see how this plays out over the next few months.

The gist of that long ass story was that no more job + no more daycare = noone to watch the kids during the day while I am in Boston living it up with my girls. I'm very sad about that but very excited to be spending so much quality time with my babies. Also, this will make going to school so much easier. I can focus a certain amount of time (nap time) during the day to online classes and the ones I actually need to go in for, the college offers free childcare for students. Fabulous!

I will posting some new pictures of the kids as soon as we get the main computer up and running. It's almost impossible to upload from the laptop so ....soon. I promise. You guys won't believe how freaking big they're getting!

They Call Me Nasty...Nasty Nose

2007-06-28T05:46:00.000-05:00

I have been sick. Sick, sick, sick with some kind of summer flu. We have been battling pinkeye which seems to have taken over the daycare. Chloe had it first, then Jack, then Chloe again. Then Chloe came down with a sore throat and cold, then Jack....then me! I am taking the longest getting over it because unfortunately I cannot spend much time taking care of myself and relaxing. Dinners must be cooked. Butts must be cleaned and clothed. Money MUST be made so I am trudging along trying like hell not to drip snot into my customers food. Trying not to look like death warmed over as I shiver, sweat and pop up cold sores. Ech!! It's been fantastic!

On the bright side of things, I am going to Boston in August with two of my girlfriends to visit my wonderful friend Jenn before she moves back down here. Yay! A vacation! Things have been super stressful around here with money being tight (daycare costs me a whopping $280/wk) and other misc. things that life loves to throw at you. Whatevs, bitch! Bring it ON! I can take it! Ok...so some rambling. Everything is looking up on the money front. We will be back on track soon enough and life will be clear sailing for a little while at least, thank goodness. I DO need a break...this trip couldn't come at a better time for me. It will be nice to not be so freaking responsible for a few days and just have some serious girl time. After kids, you learn to appreciate it so much. I never realized this before. It's a good thing. A very good thing.

WTF

2007-06-01T07:48:00.000-05:00

is up with with anonymous commenter's? Does saying things without having to be held accountable make snide and rude comments easier to leave? Just wondering. It seems that I have an "anonymous" commenter here that leaves scathing remarks every time I post something that's not blather and bullshit. Give it up already and come out of the freaking closet. Be held accountable for your words.

So, in response to an earlier post about friendship, I will say this. I know that in the past I have made very poor decisions about friendships. I have left people by the "wayside" and have lived to regret those choices. It is an unfortunate part of growing up and no one can say they have never done that. When you are young and have no clue about the life that stretches before you, it's easy to think things won't come back to haunt you. That regret will never happen to you. You are, after all, invinceable. It's a part of youthful ignorance and part of growing up is realizing that life isn't actually like that. Even as you get older certain choices have to made. Sometimes choices you don't want to make. It becomes neccesary for other aspects of your life that need more attention or because you are in a position and there are only two roads to choose from. One of which is to leave a friend behind. It doesn't mean that person didn't and still doesn't mean something to you, it simply had to be done. If you, anonymous commenter, know me and are one of those people, I'm truly sorry.

As an update to the post, things are okay. Sidetracking and branching out happens. New friends are made and room will be made for all. It takes work and now I know friends are worth working for.